I Can Never Forget You
by goldengirl2707
Summary: Nominated in the Gem Awards & Jacob Black 'N Pack Winter Awards - When a car accident wipes away Bella's memories, who will she choose? Without a past to influence her future, will she find that fire is more powerful than ice?
1. The Accident

**This story begins as New Moon ends. **

**The bold/italic print are excerpts from the actual book, but I've edited some for space and storyline purposes.****I do not own these characters - like I said the print in bold belongs to SM, I'm just borrowing a bit of it. Oh, and the characters belong to her as well, but if you see Jacob Black, let him know that I'm a little in love with him!**

**The italic print will be used a lot in the story, for both memories and lyrics. ****The difference between memories and lyrics will hopefully be obvious.**

**There is a little bad language, but there will also be strong adult story lines - you've been warned!**

**Edward is in the story a little, but it is mostly a J/B storyline.**

**Please enjoy and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!**

**I have additional chapters ready, so let me know if you would like them posted!**

Chapter 1

He sat a chair in the dimly lit hallway, his head buried in his hands. This was all his fault. Everything was always his fault. How could he be so stupid?

He slowly closed his eyes, hoping when he opened them, everything would have disappeared….

**************************************************************************  
_**She jumped out of the car, launching herself toward the trees with her hands already balled into fists for the first punch. **_

_**He caught her around the waist before she made the path.**_

**_"Let me go! I'm going to murder him! Traitor!" She shouted the epithet toward the trees._**

**_They didn't have to go far; Jacob waited just a short ways up the path. He lounged against a mossy tree trunk as he waited, his face hard and bitter, exactly the way she knew it would be. He looked at her, and then at Edward. Jacob's mouth stretched into a humorless sneer, and he shrugged away from the tree. He stood on the balls of his bare feet, leaning slightly forward, with his trembling hands clenched into fists. He looked bigger than the last time she'd seen him. Somehow, impossibly, he was still growing. He would tower over Edward, if they stood next to each other._**

**_"Bella," Jacob said as a greeting, nodding once toward her without looking away from Edward._**

**_"Why?" she whispered, trying to hide the sound of the lump in her throat. "How could you do this to me, Jacob?"_**

**_The sneer vanished, but his face stayed hard and rigid. "It's for the best."_**

**_"What is that supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to strangle me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to him?"_**

**_Jacob winced, and his eyebrows pulled together, but he didn't answer._**

**_"He didn't want to hurt anyone - he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me," Edward murmured, explaining the thoughts Jacob wouldn't say._**

**_Jacob's eyes sparked with hate as he glowered at Edward again._**

**_"Aw, Jake!" she groaned. "I'm already grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"_**

**_Jacob's eyes flashed back to me, confused for the first time. "That's why?" he asked, and then locked his jaw, like he was sorry he'd said anything._**

**_"He thought I wouldn't let you, not Charlie," Edward explained again._**

**_"Stop that," Jacob snapped._**

**_Edward didn't answer._**

**_Jacob shuddered once, and then gritted his teeth as hard as his fists. "Bella wasn't exaggerating about your... abilities," he said through his teeth. "So you must already know why I'm here."_**

**_"Yes," Edward agreed in a soft voice. "But, before you begin, I need to say something."_**

**_Jacob waited, clenching and unclenching his hands as he tried to control the shivers rolling down his arms._**

**_"Thank you," Edward said, and his voice throbbed with the depth of his sincerity. "I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my... existence."_**

**_Jacob stared at him blankly, his shudders stilled by surprise. He exchanged a quick glance with Bella, but her face was just as mystified._**

**_"For keeping Bella alive," Edward clarified, his voice rough and fervent. "When I... didn't."_**

**_"Edward-," she started to say, but he held one hand up, his eyes on Jacob._**

**_Understanding washed over Jacob's face before the hard mask returned. "I didn't do it for your benefit."_**

**_"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you..."_**

**_Jacob raised one black brow._**

**_Edward shook his head. "That's not in my power."_**

**_"Whose, then?" Jacob growled._**

**_Edward looked down at me. "Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away."_**

**_She was immersed momentarily in his golden gaze. It wasn't hard to understand what she'd missed in the conversation. The only thing that Jacob would want from Edward would be his absence._**

**_"Never," she whispered, still locked in Edward's eyes._**

**_Jacob made a gagging sound._**

**_She unwillingly broke free from Edward's gaze to frown at Jacob. "Was there something else you needed, Jacob? You wanted me in trouble - mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school. But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do that. What more do you want?"_**

**_Jacob kept his eyes on Edward "I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty chat is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute."_**

**_"We haven't forgotten," Edward said at the same time that Bella demanded, "What key points?"_**

**_Jacob still glowered at Edward, but he answered me. "The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. Bite, not kill," he emphasized. Finally, he looked at Bella. His eyes were cold._**

**_It only took her a second to grasp the distinction, and then Bella's face was as cold as his._**

**_"That's none of your business."_**

**_"The hell it-" was all he managed to choke out._**

**_Bella's answer sent Jacob into near convulsions. He pressed his fists hard against his temples, closing his eyes tight and curling in on himself as he tried to control the spasms. His face turned sallow green under the russet skin._**

**_"Jake? You okay?" she asked anxiously._**

**_She took a half-step toward him, then Edward caught her and yanked her back behind his own body. "Careful! He's not under control," he warned her._**

**_But Jacob was already somewhat himself again; only his arms were shaking now. He scowled at Edward with pure hate. "Ugh. I would never hurt her."_**

**_Neither Edward or Bella missed the inflection, or the accusation it contained. A low hiss escaped Edward's lips. Jacob clenched his fists reflexively._**

**_"Just one more thing," Edward said to me, and then he looked at Jacob. "We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line - have you?"_**

**_He knew the answer as soon as Jacob thought it, but Jacob spoke the answer anyway. "The last time was while Bella was... away. We let her think she was slipping through - we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her - But then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."_**

**_Edward nodded. "When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll -"_**

**_"She killed on our turf," Jacob hissed. "She's ours!"_**

**_"No -," Bella began to protest both declarations._**

**_"Let's go," Edward said._**

**_She looked back at Jacob, torn. Would I see him again? She wondered._**

**_"Sorry," he whispered so low that Bella had to read his lips to understand. '"Bye, Bells."_**

**_"You promised," she reminded him desperately. "Still friends, right?"_**

**_Jacob shook his head slowly, and the lump in her throat nearly strangled her._**

**_"You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but... I can't see how to keep trying. Not now..." He struggled to keep his hard mask in place, but it wavered, and then disappeared. "Miss you," he mouthed. One of his hands reached toward me, his fingers outstretched, like he wished they were long enough to cross the distance between them._**

**_"Me, too," she choked out. Her hand reached toward his across the wide space._**

**_Like they were connected, the echo of his pain twisted inside me. His pain, her pain._**

**_"Jake..." Bella took a step toward him. She wanted to wrap her arms around his waist and erase the expression of misery on his face._**

**_Edward pulled her back again, his arms restraining instead of defending._**

**_"It's okay," she promised him, looking up to read his face with trust in her eyes. He would understand._**

**_His eyes were unreadable, his face expressionless. Cold. "No, it's not."_**

**_"Let her go," Jacob snarled, furious again. "She wants to!" He took two long strides forward. A glint of anticipation flashed in his eyes. His chest seemed to swell as it shuddered._**

**_Edward pushed her behind himself, wheeling to face Jacob._**

**_"No! Edward - Come on!" Her voice was panicked. She tugged on him and he relaxed a little. He pulled her back slowly, always keeping his eyes on Jacob as they retreated._**

**_Jacob watched them with a dark scowl on his bitter face. The anticipation drained from his eyes, and then, just before the forest came between us, his face suddenly crumpled in pain._**

**_She knew that last glimpse of his face would haunt him until she saw him smile again._**

**_And right there Bella vowed she would see him smile, and soon. She would find a way to keep her friend._**

_Reaching the car, she scowled at Edward. Noticing, he pulled her close again, assuming that Jacob was again the cause of her unhappiness. "It's ok, love," he soothed, his lips moving gently against her hair. "I'm sorry he has hurt you again, but-"_

_She shoved against him, pushing herself away more than him, her small fists colliding viciously with the cool marble of his skin. She winced slightly, rubbing her palms over her now sore knuckles. Edward sighed, and reached for her hands, as if to again offer comfort. She moved out of his reach. "He hurt me?" The tone of her voice rose dramatically, becoming loud and high pitched. "He's not going to hurt me! At least not physically! When are you going to get that? When are you going to stop with this ridiculous jealously and allow me to be with my friend!"_

_He stared at her, startled. "Give me the keys," she demanded, holding out her hands. When he didn't move, she became louder. "Give me the keys! I need to be alone!"_

_Wordlessly, he dropped them into her empty hand. She snatched them angrily, and stomped the car. He almost smiled as she punched numerous buttons on the tiny keypad before finally unlocking it. She revved the engine and the tires screeched viciously as she hit the gas. _

_But as Edward, and Jacob, as he still watched from the trees, stared in horror, almost frozen, too shocked to even begin to use their unnatural speed, as she flew around the corner, the car fishtailing violently, spun, and finally smashing into a large tree. _

_Glass shattered, metal screamed and the horrid hissing of the engine filled their sensitive ears. They flew to her, desperate to be the one that would be there first..._

He blinked and looked around, confused about where he was. Then he saw the empty gurney and the nurse at the end of the hallway, a doctor in his scrubs, carrying a clipboard.

He groaned and put his head back down.

Through his splayed fingers he saw a pair of shoes stop in front of him. He looked up and saw a nurse standing there, looking very serious.

"Jacob Black?"

"Yes?" He said, and suddenly, his stomach turned and he felt like he couldn't breathe…


	2. Who are you?

***** for those of you who have read this chapter before, as of 1.16.11 - it has been updated. i was re-reading and realized IT SUCKED so i had a bit of time, tried to make a few changes! *****

**A/N - a continuation of where the story left off - Beginning at the end of New Moon:**

**After becoming upset at Edward's endless jealousy towards Jacob, instead of leaving with Edward, Bella demands the keys to his Volvo. And true to Bella form, she crashes right into a tree.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, but they're so much fun to write about! Especially since they unfortunately do not exist in real life.**

**Warning: Rated M - some adult language.**

**Reminder: This story begins at the end of New Moon. Jacob refers to Sam as his Alpha - Jacob hasn't yet separated from the original pack. **

* * *

"No, you don't know the one  
Who dreams of you at night  
And longs to kiss your lips  
And longs to hold you tight  
Oh I'm just a friend  
That's all I've ever been  
'Cause you don't know me…"

_You Don't Know Me _– Michael Buble

* * *

"Are you here for Isabella Swan?" the nurse asked.

"Yes…" Jake replied, his throat tightening. His whole body trembled. He hadn't phased in over 24 hours and then tension was beginning to take its toll. He took a deep breath, struggling to calm himself.

She smiled at him gently, misunderstanding his body language. "Dr. Carlisle is with her now, but he asked me to speak to you." Jake nodded numbly, unable to respond. "He says that in the accident Isabella-"

"Bella," Jake growled, rumbling low in his chest, interrupting her automatically. He couldn't seem to stop himself. The nurse gaped at him, a bit taken aback. "Sorry," he muttered, staring down at his large hands. His anger, his sorrow, his regret, were choking him. They filled him to the brim and he couldn't figure out where the pain ended and he began. He could hardly _breathe, _let alone participate in a conversation.

She shook her head at him, and then continued. "It seems that _Bella_," she emphasized the name. "Sustained severe head trauma. It appears she hit her head on the steering wheel. But her reflexes are good, her pupils are dilating, she responds to painful stimuli, and her brain activity is fine. However, there is some swelling of the brain, so she is in a medically induced coma while we wait for the swelling to go down. Until then, we have no idea how extensive the injury to the brain may be. There seems to be no other major injuries other than some bruising. You'll be allowed in to see her when she is out of the ICU. Until then, only immediate family."

"Is there any way I can at least look at her? Through a window or something?" Jake begged as the nurse began to turn away. His anxiety increased exponentially at the thought of the nurse walking away, without providing him with the opportunity to see Bella. _His Bells_.

She turned and studied him a second before reluctantly nodding her head. "Sure, follow me. I guess Dr. Carlisle wouldn't mind."

Inwardly, Jacob scoffed at the idea that Carlisle could really stop it from seeing her, but he didn't want to piss of this nurse, so he quickly jumped up and hurried down the hallway after her, his head hanging down. If only he hadn't gotten upset over and done something so stupid, if only he would stop being so jealous, if only he hadn't let her walk away angry. There were so many "if only's", but in the end they still all meant the same thing - Bella was in a coma because he was a jealous ass.

"Through there," the nurse said, pointing to a glass window at the end the hallway.

"Thanks," he choked out, and quickly jogged down the hall in the direction she had pointed. Skidding to a halt in front of the window, he carefully peered through the curtains. His heart shattered into a thousand pieces as his brain slowly deciphered the scene before him. He could see Bella laying there, her head wrapped in bandages. Inside he could hear the steady "blip-blip" of the heart monitor and the hissing of the breathing machine. He gagged, struggled to keep from becoming physically ill at the site of her lying there, so damaged, so broken. He barely managed to keep his eyes from over-flowing.

He didn't have to hear the bloodsucker's footsteps to know that Carlisle had appeared beside him. His _stench_ announced his arrival for him. "Can she not breathe on her own?" Jake asked quietly.

"She's in shock right now," Carlisle replied. "It's more like a precaution. She needs all the help she can get."

Suddenly Jake heard the hurried thumping of work boots on the linoleum floor and he turned to see Charlie rushing towards him. "Jake! What the hell did you and Edward do? I trust in you to protect her and this is what you do?"

Jacob lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. _'Just when I thought things couldn't get worse…'_ he thought as the yelling got louder.

Carlisle stepped in Charlie's path, as if Jacob somehow needed his protection. "Chief Swan, please calm down."

Charlie stopped in amazement, not comprehending how Carlisle could possibly be so calm. "That girl in there is my daughter and that boy –" He screamed, pointing at Jacob, "Is responsible! I'm going to arrest him and have him charged with assault!" It was then that Charlie approached the glass and gasped. His legs slowly gave out from under him and he sank to the floor. The tears streamed down his face and he began to silently weep, covering his face with his hands.

Carlisle sat down next time him, slowly, as if he was afraid his close proximity to Charlie would cause another outburst. When it became clear that it wouldn't, he placed his cold hand gently on Charlie's shoulder and didn't say a word. Jacob watched the scene wordlessly, feeling the bile rise up into his throat again. Charlie was right. He _was_ to blame.

He needed to get away. As he walked back down the hall, he heard Carlisle explaining the same thing to Charlie that he had heard moments earlier.

Finding a lounge, he settled into an easy chair to wait. And he knew he would wait. He would wait there in that uncomfortable, lumpy chair for the rest of his life… if it meant that his Bella would wake up so he could tell her how much he really loved her.

* * *

It was almost 2 days before Jacob got the chance to see her again. She was in a private room, thanks to Charlie's ranting and Carlisle's influence, with a beautiful view of the mountains.

As the endless hours slowly ticked by, Jacob had done his best to avoid Charlie and Renee, feeling more than uncomfortable under their suspicious gazes. Somehow, he hadn't seen Edward. He supposed that Carlisle had done his best to keep the two of them apart, so as to keep them from having that inevitable argument over whose fault it was.

Jacob shook his head. Not that a fight like that would come to any kind of reasonable conclusion. If only that bloodsucker could have just stayed away. He could have made Bella happy.

He opened the door slowly, almost afraid that just walking inside could somehow damage her more. The breathing machine was gone, but the gently "blip-blip" of the heart monitor could still be heard.

A few of the bandages were gone, and he could see the black bruises on her face. He wanted to touch them, as if that meant they would magically disappear. Instead, he knelt down next to the bed and took her hand. There were so many things he needed to say.

But when he opened his mouth, no sounds came out. His eyes filled with tears. He laid his forehead against her hand on the bed and sobbed. Body-wracking, uncontrollable sobs. He cried so long he thought his heart would burst from the pain.

But finally, his tears slowed and his eyes drifted shut.

* * *

He was dreaming about their time together in his garage, fixing the bikes, when he first found himself loving her, when he felt the hand underneath his forehead twitch just slightly.

He looked up and realized she was looking at him. But instead of love or comfort or joy at the sight of him, a look of complete confusion and horror crossed her face.

"Hey, Bells" he said softly, reaching up to gently stroke her cheek, hoping she would be happy he was there.

She jerked away from his touch. He leaned back, afraid that he had hurt her.

Instead, she said three words that changed his life forever...

_"Who are you?"_

He stared at her. _Was she for real_? His lips moved in an attempt to say something, _anything_ to reassure her, but no words came out, his tongue frozen around the dead sounds in his throat.

"Who are you?" Bella said again, looking more than a little frightened. She fidgeted uncomfortably, tugging the thin sheet closer around her. She attempted to sit upright, but winced at the pain it caused in her head.

He wanted to help her, but something told Jacob that reaching for her again would not have the effect that he wanted. He opened his mouth again, and everything he'd wanted to say at the moment she awoke fell right out of his head. So instead, he stammered, "Um, I'll, uh, go get your, um uh, doctor."

He walked slowly backwards out of the room, unable to take his eyes off of her face. Her eyes, he noticed, were the same soft chocolate color, but that shine, the shine he used to see…

It was gone.

* * *

"With a head trauma like Bella's, temporary amnesia happens. It's not unheard of. Give her some time and she'll be fine. Her brain just needs a little more time to heal… there are a few things you can do though…"

Jacob realized that Dr. Cullen was talking, but for some reason it sounded like white noise, nothing comprehensible. All he could think about was that look in Bella's eyes; that empty, faded look.

It had been only 3 hrs since she had woken up, but for Jacob, it felt like a lifetime.

Looking around the lounge, he noticed at some point in time, Renee, and her husband, Phil had joined him and Charlie. He had seen the other bloodsuckers earlier, in another part of the hospital, and was thankful that Carlisle had kept them away. He didn't think his body could take another stressor.

He looked up again and noticed that Renee were crying and Charlie was on the phone in the corner. Jacob shook his head. He was such an idiot.

"Some time?" he interrupted the bloodsucker, his tone of voice cold and rumbling. "What does that even mean?"

Charlie glowered at him, and opened his mouth to say something, but Carlisle spoke before he could. "It's hard to say, Jacob. There's some much that we understand about the human-" Jacob coughed at the bloodsucker's use of _human_, as if somehow he found it funny.

_He did not_.

Carlisle's eyes narrowed slightly, but he continued as if Jacob had not disrupted his train of thought. Charlie didn't seem to notice the sudden tension between the two men in front of him. "It could be a few hours or days or even longer," Carlisle continued. "I wish I had a better answer for you, but I don't. Bella will heal on her own time".

Jacob scoffed at the response. He saw Charlie stiffen again and he knew it was time for him to leave. He got up and left the room, deciding that some fresh air might help. But when he looked around again, he realized that he was standing outside of Bella's room. He wanted desperately to go in, but was afraid of the reaction his appearance would cause. _Ah hell_. He was already here.

He tapped on the door lightly.

"Who is it?" a quiet voice asked.

"Um, well, you might not know me, but I know you," Jacob replied, carefully easing his face in the crack between the door and it's frame. "Can I please come in and talk with you for just a few minutes?" Peeking in the door farther, he saw her nod reluctantly.

"Dr. Cullen said there were some people here to see me," Bella said, staring at her hands, as if somehow the right answers to all of her questions had been written there. "I know that I'm supposed to know who you are. At least that's what I was told."

"Well… I'm Jake," He stuttered awkwardly. "Jacob Ephraim Black….I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but I'm your best friend… or was, maybe. I guess." He looked up and noticed the confusion in her face, even though she was carefully avoiding his gaze. "I suppose I'm not explaining myself very well. But I'm sorry that this happened and I think it's all my fault."

"How is it your fault?" she asked, finally looking up at him.

"We had an argument and you drove off angry. I should have never let you go."

"Well, I don't remember it," Bella huffed, turning her head away again. She crossed her arms across her chest and Jake's heart constricted painfully at the sight of the girl he loved looking so angry, so confused, so vulnerable.

"But, please, Bells, just listen to me for a little bit –" He started to plead, stepping towards her.

She jerked away as if he had slapped her. "Get out!" she cried. "Please just leave me alone!"

"Bella… please…" Jake begged, but she just got louder. "Get out, get out, get out!" The tears were streaming down her face, and all he wanted to do was cross the room and pick her up in his strong arms, carrying her away from this place that had already damaged her so much.

But instead he turned and walked to the door. He turned and looked back at her before he closed it; she was still crying, her small shoulders shaking painfully because of the memories she no longer had. Jacob wanted nothing more than kiss her soft lips until the last 3 days had disappeared. But instead, he crossed the threshold, into the cold, empty hallway, and shut it with a _click_.

* * *

Jake sat on the beach, back at La Push, listening to his Ipod in one ear and the waves with the other. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. What was he going to do now that the one person he cared about most in the world didn't even know who he was? She wouldn't talk to him without crying and it broke his heart just looking at her.

He had spent the last 3 days at the hospital, hoping that if he, Charlie, Renee, _hell_, even the Cullens, just talked with her, that she would begin to remember things. She didn't remember the accident, school, her friends or family, her favorite places... nothing.

But Billy had finally convinced him to come home. To give Bella some space, and time with her parents. His blood boiled at the thought that he was just providing Edward with more time with her. He didn't want that _corpse _anywhere near Bella, but there was only so much he could do about that while she was still in the hospital.

He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't hear Sam come up and sit beside him.

"Hey man," Sam said softly.

Jake nearly jumped out of his skin. "Shit, man! Don't sneak up on people that way! Especially stressed out ones!" He growled at his Alpha.

Sam laughed. "Sorry. Billy said you were down here. Wanted to see how you were holding up."

"How do you think I'm holding up? Bella can't even stand to be near me and she doesn't even remember me, our relationship, anything!" Jake balled his fists angrily and punched them down into the sand. "What am I going to do?"

"Jake, it's not your job to fix this for her. I mean, we all want to, but the Carlisle said her memory will come back. It's just gonna take some time. I know that's the last thing that you wanna hear, but I just hate to see you killing yourself over it," Sam said.

Jake sighed. "I know. She's in so much pain and I just want to make it all go away."

"See, and that's because you love her. And in time she's gonna see that. You just have to let your problem with this go, 'cause that's not helping anyone. And if you keep going there angry, eventually you're going to run into Edward and the last thing she needs is for you to start a fight with him," Sam replied, clapping a hand on Jake's shoulder. "You need to control yourself. Not just for her, but for you. If you're planning on helping me lead this pack, I need to trust you to take care of yourself. Do you hear me?" Jake looked at the older man, his friend, his Alpha. Sam was right, and Jake knew it. He nodded slowly, carefully releasing the delicate grains of sand his tightly fisted hands had collected. Sam smiled reassuringly. "You ready to head back to the hospital?"

"Sure," Jake said, standing up and dusting the sand off of his pants. "Let's go."

* * *

Bella lay in her bed with the TV on, but she wasn't really watching it. Instead, she was thinking about Jacob. She felt so badly for him - he was trying so hard to try and help her - not that she understood why. He had explained that he was her best friend, but no matter how long she thought about it, there was nothing she could recall about him.

She sighed and twisted the top bed sheet between her fingers. She smiled. He was cute at least. She knew she had good taste. He obviously cared about her, otherwise he wouldn't have spent so long just sitting around a hospital for her when half the time all she did around him was cry or yell.

There was a knock at the door. Bella rolled her eyes and prayed that it wasn't that pale man that claimed to be her boyfriend. That guy, Edward… him, she didn't understand. His gaze was like a magnet and she felt even more out of control just looking at him. He took her breath away each time his icy fingers grazed over her cheek.

Bella shook her head as hard as she could without causing pain, as if the physical movement would drive away her thoughts of the pale one away, but instead it caused new ideas to surface. Ones of a tall, russet skinned boy, his strong hands reaching for her-

Another impatient knocked stopped her rapidly approaching inappropriate thoughts. "Come in," she said.

The door swung open and she was relieved to see a petite dark hair girl in the entrance.

"Alice... right?" Bella asked slowly, desperately hoping for once to have the right answer.

Alice breathed a sigh of relief. At least she had remembered her name from earlier visits. "Yup, Bella, that's me!" She danced inside the room, her graceful movements igniting a small jealous flame deep inside Bella's stomach. She bit her lip ferociously – _What was wrong with her…?_ _Alice was just trying to be nice!_

Bella watched as the pixie-like girl settled into the chair next to her bed. "How are you feeling today, Bella?" Alice asked in a conversational tone, doing her best to keep Bella's mood as light and happy as possible.

Bella snorted, bitterness rising in her throat. But she immediately blushed, feeling bad for seeming rude when Alice hadn't done anything wrong. So she gave her dark haired friend a half-hearted smile. "I've been trying, but I still can't remember anything. It's frustrating! All these people here that are obviously here to support me and I can't remember a single one of them!" Bella complained.

"It's not your fault - don't stress about it. Everything will come in time and then we can all laugh later about how you couldn't remember us because of a silly bump on the head!" Alice's twinkling voice was distracting, musical in its quality and Bella found it hard to concentrate on what the girl was saying.

Bella looked at her, a little confused. "Um... we? I know you've explained it before, but just one more time?"

Alice nodded. "Ok, you, me, Jasper-" She smiled carefully as she mentioned her husband, and then continued. "Rosalie, Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle – Dr. Carlisle." She stopped then, and looked at Bella. "And Edward."

Bella stiffened at the sound of his name. "Huh," was all she could find to say. Edward had been by several times. He was beyond beautiful, intriguing, mystifying, eloquent and… so many other things, but comforting was not one of them. He was cold, both physically and emotionally, and despite his endless vocabulary of pretty words, Bella found it impossible to believe that this man was her boyfriend.

Alice began her chattering again and Bella fought to pay attention, to learn about this life she had that she couldn't even begin to understand. Again, her dark-haired, russet skinned visitor rose to her mind. A quick, small smile grazed her lips. She carefully glanced at Alice to see if she had noticed. She was still talking, gesturing with her hands, talking again about the family.

_Jacob Black._

Just his name made her feel warm, low in her belly, and it made her wish that he had visited again. Bella frowned. _Why hadn't he been back?_

"Don't feel bad, Bella," Alice said suddenly, placing her icy hand on top of Bella's. "I'm just telling you, maybe give him a chance when he comes in to talk with you. Everytime he comes out of here he seems more depressed then when he went in. All he wants is for you to get better. We all do," she continued, curling her fingers through Bella's.

Bella gave her a small smile. "Him?"

"Edward, of course!" Alice trilled, lightly, laughing. Bella stiffened, and Alice fought against calling attention to it.

"Of course," Bella mumbled, and fought against the tears that threatened to bubble to the surface. _Edward_. Who else would she be talking about? "Of course..."

* * *

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!**


	3. Remembering

***** for those of you re-reading this, as of 1.16.11, this chapter has been changed! I didn't realize so many of my earlier chapters WERE TERRIBLE. *****

**A/N: I'm already working on Chapter 4, so if you enjoy this chapter, and REVEIW! I'll do my best to post the next chapter tomorrow.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, including Jacob Black, no matter how much I may want to.**

* * *

Well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet  
But even if it takes my whole life  
To get to where I need to be  
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end  
I'll be one step back to you  
I'm trying to find my way  
Trying to find my way  
Oh, I'm trying to find my way

_Trying_ - Lifehouse

* * *

It had been 2 weeks since the accident, and while the bruises and scratches had healed, they didn't seem any closer to helping Bella remember anything.

After a final round of tests to make sure everything was ok, Carlisle finally said she could go home the next day as soon as all the final paperwork was filled out.

Charlie had avoided Jacob as much as Jacob had avoided him, so as soon as Billy rolled himself into the waiting room and said that Bella was finally cleared to leave, he dashed down the hallway to Bella's room. He was desperately hoping that maybe he could finally talk about their relationship and where they were going from here, but when he reached her room, he noticed the door was already open a crack.

Hoping that meant she was looking to talk, he peeked in the window, and he was both happy and heartbroken as to what he saw - Bella was up, sitting in a chair on the opposite side of the room. She was talking and laughing, and he saw more happiness on her face then he had in weeks. But also sitting in the room was Edward. He growled softly, twitching in anger. He wanted to kill that disgusting bloodsucker. Edward smiled, and Jacob knew he had given himself away.

"Oh my god!" Bella cried, laughing. "That's the funniest story I've heard in a long time!" She threw back her head and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Wow, Edward, thanks for this. I haven't really laughed since I woke up!"

Edward smiled. "Glad I could be of service. Carlisle told me that you're getting out of here tomorrow. Could I offer my services as your escort around Forks? Perhaps seeing some familiar sights could help you remember things that being in a hospital doesn't."

Bella sat and thought. She knew Charlie and Renee probably wanted to do that, and she was tired of being around Jacob – he made her feel things she didn't understand. She didn't know what he wanted from her anyway. But then she felt bad all over again - she was supposed to be his best friend and it was obvious that he cared about her. But since she didn't know how she was supposed to feel, how was she supposed to know what she was going to do?

And then there was Edward – he was her boyfriend, she supposed, but at least he didn't pressure her. He wanted her, she could tell. She didn't know much, but that much was obvious. His body language was possessive, his eyes following her every move. But Jacob was needy, desperate for whatever forgiveness he thought was required before he could move on with his life. She couldn't even comprehend feeling responsible for someone else's feelings when she couldn't even begin to understand her own.

When she looked up, Edward was looking at her strangely. She blushed, and it made him laugh. "It's ok, love. Take your time. Whenever you feel like it, alright? I've got all the time in the world." He smiled smugly, and Jacob knew that this performance was for his benefit. _Damnit_. He'd forgotten about the mind reading bull shit. He knew better than that. He growled, and shivers shook his upper body. Edward's smile got larger and Bella, confused by his expression, smiled along.

_Get a grip, Black_, Jacob ordered himself. He took one last longing look at his Bella, then quickly turned and walked down the hall, down the stairs and out of the hospital.

* * *

Jacob sat alone in his bedroom. Edward. He thought they had come to some kind of understanding since the accident. But apparently loyalties didn't matter when it came to getting the girl. All he wanted to do was slam his fists through the thin plaster that surrounded him, but he figured that damage to his bedroom walls wouldn't fix his problems with Bella.

He thought of the first time he saw he when she moved back to Forks, of the trouble with Edward, with James, Laurent, and Victoria, with the whole werewolf business, of the times they had with the pack, of the hours in the garage fixing those bikes, of their nights on the beach and out in the woods, of the ups and downs and ins and outs and yet nothing he did would matter anymore if he couldn't share it with her. He needed her to know how much he wanted her, loved her, and needed her to share things with. Jacob didn't know if they were supposed to spend the rest of their lives together... but he did know that his future was nothing if she wasn't there to be a part of it.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt like crushing his desk into a thousand splinters, his fingers itching for something to destroy. Instead, he flipped on the stereo, letting the angry words and aggressive beat wash over him.

His fingers flexed unconsciously, opening and closing around his palms as he stared at the walls of his bedroom, not really seeing them. His entire body felt like it was in pain – it made him wish it would rain. He felt better when the world around him felt like crap too. Not that anything else mattered anymore. What was with Bella anyway? Didn't she want to remember him, remember her friends, remember her life?

Then he heard his phone ring. He looked at the caller ID. He barked out a short, bitter laugh. Charlie. He would only call if he didn't have any other numbers to dial. "Yeah?" He said as he picked up.

"Hey… Jake. It's Charlie," the voice was gruff. "Bella with you?"

"No. Why would she be? Not like she has a clue who I am," He growled, feeling the anger rise up in his chest again.

"No? Then where is she?"

"Maybe you should ask Edward," and with that, Jacob hung up and hit the power button. He didn't feel like talking with anyone.

Suddenly, there came a soft knock on the door. Expecting Billy or Sam, he said, "Go away. I don't feel like talking with anyone right now." He pulled off his shirt roughly, planning on taking a shower. He needed something to take his mind off _her_. What he really needed was to phase, but he was too afraid to separate himself from Bella. Despite the anger, he wanted to be somewhere she could find him…. When she was ready.

The knock came again. Jacob rolled his eyes and the familiar anger rose again. He welcomed it – this might be the only real thing he had left. Pissed off all over again, he stomped to the door. "I really don't want to ta-" He jerked open the door, almost falling over in surprise at who he saw on the other side.

"Not even to me?"

"What are you doing here?"

Bella smiled shyly. "Alice dropped me off. I wasn't sure where to find you, but she said you were probably here. I figured we should talk." She furrowed her brow. "Although, she didn't seem very happy to bring me here. She looked… uncomfortable."

He grinned, ignoring what she said about the bloodsucker. He could care less about that leech right now. He should have been mad that she'd come over the treaty line, but he also figured Alice had weighed driving Bella here against explaining the whole vampire/werewolf thing.

But, God was it good to see her. Then he noticed she was checking out the proud peaks and valleys of his chest and grinned even more. _Oh, this was good._

"Come in," He said, and stepped back so she could follow him inside. He grabbed his t-shirt off the floor and pretended to not see her looking at him for half a second more before putting it on.

"So... you said you wanted to talk?" Jacob asked, reclining on the bed against his elbows. He wanted to appear relaxed, but his insides were twisted into knots. He wanted to leap across the room, holding onto her and never letting go, but somehow he managed to restrain himself.

"Um... yeah," she said, nervously twisting her hair. Seeing him shirtless had distracted her more than she expected. And to top it off, there was the disappointment that had welled up in her gut when he'd covered himself up again. "I guess there's a lot of things that should probably be said, and I'm just never sure what to say anymore cause I don't want to upset anyone and yet I feel like that's all I'm ever doing anyway and it's so frustrating and I guess I just..." She stopped and laughed uncomfortably. "Wow, I'm totally rambling. Sorry."

Jacob smiled. "No, honey, it's ok. I'm just glad you're here."

Bella smiled back and finally looked him in the eyes. "Me too."

"So what's on your mind, Bella?" Jacob asked, crossing his legs and relaxing in the bed, hoping that it conveyed a laid backing image, even though calm was the last thing he was feeling.

"Well..." Bella said slowly, feeling awkward and blushing furiously as she felt his eyes burning into her skin. "I know you came by my room today and never came in. I wondered if you saw Edward and that's why you didn't come in... I don't know what to do. I know that I'm supposed to have these loyalties and feelings towards people, but I don't feel them right now because I can't remember why I'm supposed to."

"Ook.." Jacob said, leaning forward a little. He was starting to get nervous. He rubbed his palms together anxiously, frowning at the floor.

"Edward asked me if he could take me around Forks, show me some familiar sights in hopes that I might remember things. When I thought about it, I knew that Charlie and Renee would probably want to do it, but at the moment I was tired of trying to do the right things for people when I wasn't sure why I was supposed to be doing them."

Jacob studied his left foot and started chewing a nail. He felt overwhelmed, like his skin was going to jump off of his body.

Bella noticed his change in body language and sighed. She didn't know why he was suddenly so nervous, but she had apparently upset him again. This might be harder then she thought. "And I know this is hard on you when you have all these memories with me that I can't remember right now. I know you all are trying your best to not pressure me, but it's happening anyway, and logically, I understand why, even though emotionally, I feel like a train wreck."

Jacob looked back up at her. He felt bile in his throat again and he fought to keep himself in control. "I've been really trying. But it's hard to look at my best friend and realize that when she looks at me all she sees is a stranger." He rose off the bed and slowly crossed the room. When she didn't back away from him, he stepped closer.

Then when he was near enough, he placed his hands lightly on her upper arms, rubbing up and down very carefully, like he would break her by pressing too hard. She watched his delicate movements for a moment, baffled that such large hands be so gentle. "I know," Bella replied softly. "It's obviously not a perfect situation."

Jacob laughed, trying not to get overly confident by the fact that she was allowing him to touch her. "You're telling me."

"I guess what I'm trying to say," Bella went on, "Is that I really am trying. I like you, Jacob... Jake. You seem like a good guy. You're smart and funny and to tell you the truth… the one word that keeps coming to mind is… beautiful."

Jacob laughed again, exhilarated by her description of him. He was barely able to stop himself from pulling her closer.

"But right now, it's difficult to look at you as my... best friend. I can't remember you. I can't remember anyone. I'm not saying that I don't want to spend time with you and try and build a relationship with you, but I also want you to know that I don't want to waste anyone's time here. I know you care about me, but maybe spending so much time with an amnesiac isn't what you need right now."

Jacob stopped breathing. "I don't want to not be with you."

"I figured you would say that."

Jacob pulled her a little closer, and he almost died when he felt her gentle breath on his face. He inhaled, taking in her soft scent, so familiar… like _vanilla and strawberries_. His hands slid slowly down her arms until he was able to take both of her hands in his. Bella stared as his large hands covered hers, almost fascinated by his dark rough skin in comparison to her paleness. He was so warm, and being this close to him made her think of the forest, the dirt, of sunlight…

"I know things are hard on everyone right now," Jacob began, his voice soft and husky. "I know that when you look at me you don't see the guy you saw a few weeks ago. I know you can't help that. But all I'm asking you for is a chance. A chance to show you what you mean to me. I'll do anything and everything to make you happy - that's all I've wanted since you first came back to Forks. I don't care if we have to start all over again from the beginning - it doesn't matter to me if you don't remember the first time we met, our first walk on the beach, our first fight, our first anything, because if we need to we can make some new firsts - a new start. That's ok with me. But I'm begging you, Bella... please. Please don't give up on me yet. I know it's a lot to ask. And I'm sorry if this is too much for you. Maybe I'm being selfish. But there are a few things in life that matter too much to let them slip through your fingers, and you are one of those things to me. In time, Bella, in time I'm sure we can fix this and you'll see that I can make you happy. Please give me a chance..."

Bella's eyes started to well with tears by his third sentence. Who was this guy and what on earth was she going to do?

* * *

There was a long silence as Jacob watched her face, rubbing his thumbs carefully over her palms, waiting, hoping, praying for some kind of reaction.

Bella stared at him, unsure of what to do. Her mind screamed at her to back away, to maintain some distance between them, but her body wouldn't obey. She watched as hopeful emotions flickered across his handsome features and she felt an unfamiliar ache build inside her chest. She found herself wanting to comfort him, though for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why. Her conscious mind had no idea who this man was, but apparently her heart felt otherwise.

A loud bang interrupted them as someone opened the front door. "Hey Jake! I'm home!" A man's voice announced.

They both jumped and laughed nervously, blushing slightly, like school children with a first crush. Jacob reluctantly dropped her hands and walked across the room to his door. "Hey Dad!" he called between the crack he created between the door and it's frame. "Bella's here – I'll be out in a second!" He closed his eyes momentarily, leaning his forehead against the wood. He cursed himself for not doing something to make the moment last longer.

"So..." Jacob started to say, turning around to face her again, not wanting to wait another second to hear what she had to say about his heart baring confession, "what do-"

But again the moment was interrupted, this time by a cell phone. They looked around, confused, before Bella remembered she was even carrying one. "Sorry!" she laughed, digging in her purse. "I keep forgetting about this thing." She answered. "Hello?... oh yeah Mom... I'm with Jacob. Yes, Jacob!... Yes, at his house. Where else would we be?...Ok, look I'm sorry! I forgot about the dinner thing whatever... Will you have Dad come pick me up? Oh... Ok then. I guess that's fine... Alright, bye." She rolled her eyes as she hung up. "Sorry, Jake. I have to go. Alice tells me that my dad has always been protective and since the accident he's been freaking out at the drop of a hat."

Jacob laughed, still fighting off disappointment. "It's ok. Family duty calls. But can we talk again later? I'd really like to finish this conversation... maybe after you've had some time to think about it."

Bella looked down at her shoes. "Um yeah, Jake, sure…" she said.

He worried that he had upset her again, but then she looked up and gave him the biggest smile he'd seen from her since she woke up. "I'd really like that," She said.

He mentally wiped his brow. _'Whew,_' he thought. _'considered a heart attack for a second there.' _Then he said to her, "Great. Just give me a call later. You still have my number programmed in there right?" He gestured towards her cell phone.

"Oh yeah," Bella nodded, looking at the item in her hand. "I've had to learn all over again how to use this. Driving should be interesting."

They both laughed. He walked back over to her. "Um... can I ask for a hug?" he said tentatively.

He looked so hopeful and like such a scared little boy, despite the muscles and the chiseled features, that she just couldn't say no. She held out her arms.

Jacob stepped slowly into her, and was overwhelmed by her... her smell, the feel of her body heat, her skin, the delicate fabric of the T she wore... he could have died right then and would have been happy.

Bella, on the other hand, was shocked at the electricity that shot through her veins when her body connected with his. He was so hot… literally. But then she saw him, images spinning so quickly through her head that she could hardly make sense of them... _he seemed younger somehow, his hair long and thick…her red truck… a man in a wheelchair… walk on the beach… the Cold Ones?_

So surprised was she that she didn't even noticed when he had pulled away from her. When she blinked, she noticed him looking at her strangely. "Are you alright, Bella?" Jacob asked, looking concerned.

"What? Oh. Yeah... fine. Sorry," She said backing away, avoiding looking at his face as much as possible. Jacob tried to reach for her, but she turned quickly and headed for the door. "I promise, Jake! We'll talk later!"

Walking quickly outside and shutting the door behind her, she stopped and leaned against the wall along the side of the house where she hoped Jacob couldn't see her. _What was going on?_ She wasn't too sure what had just happened, but she knew he was the reason why. Was she remembering things?

She had to talk to Alice.


	4. The Bonfire

***** for those of you re-reading, as of 1.16.11, this chapter has been re-done. as i've said in chapter 2 and 3 - i had no idea how much they sucked! there were just parts i really didn't like or didn't make much sense, so i re-wrote them in an attempt to get my muse up and running around. *****

**A/N - Didn't get many reviews, but I was very happy to see how many readers added this story to their favs and alerts, so thank you!**

**I've had this storyline plotted out for awhile, but it's an evolving one, as I try my best to keep true to the characters.**

**Should I continue with the Victoria plotline, (with my own twist of course!)?**

**Disclaimer - SM owns this, but I wish Jacob existed beyond the pages of her stories!**

* * *

Right now, I am confused  
Right now, I don't exactly know what to choose  
This day feels so unlike the rest  
Right now, I am confused  
I feel a burden in my spirit today  
Feels like everything that I've ever trusted in  
Has been washed away  
I feel like I'm grappling for the truth

_Confused – _Natalie Brown

* * *

Bella and Alice sat together in Bella's room, flipping through some magazines while the radio played quietly in the background. Alice watched Bella carefully, waiting for her to finally bring up what was on her mind.

"So what's going on, Bella?" Alice finally asked. "We've been sitting here almost an hour and I know you didn't ask me to come over her to read magazines and listen to the radio. You've got something on your mind."

Bella laughed awkwardly. "Well, I guess I should realize by now that you know me so much more then I do. But you're right. Soo... I talked to Jacob after you dropped me off at the reservation."

Alice went still. Even if she hadn't been able to see the future, she would have known that disgusting dog smell anywhere. _Who else would she have been going to see?_ Alice mentally chastised herself. Exposing Bella to a teenage werewolf had been the last thing she wanted to do but when Bella had asked she'd been unable no. She'd seen Bella make up her mind, and knew that she would find a way to the reservation anyway. She had also managed to ignore Edward's dark glares from her when she'd arrived home and translating the Star Spangled Banner into Mandarin had kept him from hearing too many of her thoughts. "And…?" Alice asked softly, gently taking Bella's hand in her icy one. "What happened?"

Bella flinched at her friend's cold touch and Alice had quickly removed her hands, hoping Bella wouldn't read too much into it. She relaxed when Bella began to speak again. "I felt so bad about what happened at the hospital, him seeing me with Edward and everything, so I felt like I had to go and explain myself to him. I told him how I'm torn between these loyalties I'm supposed to have and the fact that I'm tired of trying to do 'the right thing' when I'm not even sure what it is. Then, Alice... "

Alice's eyes narrowed. She hated not being able to see the wolves. "What?"

Bella flopped backwards on the bed, her eyes fixed on the ceiling. "I don't know if I should be telling you this, since I'm supposed to be dating your brother and all…"

Alice sighed. As much as she wanted to protect Edward, she also knew that he only wanted happiness for Bella. She was determined to be Bella's friend, no matter what. Edward loved her – that fact no one could deny. And no matter how much they all wanted her to join their family, Edward would fight against Bella changing as long as he could. "It's ok, Bella," Alice said lightly, trying to keep the mood bright. "I love my brother, but you're my friend and we only want to see you happy."

Bella's eyes moved to study her friend's face, which had been carefully arranged into a blank mask. She sighed again. _Wasn't there anyone else to talk to?_ She shifted her weight uncomfortably on the mattress and debated whether or not to say anymore. But she didn't know who else to turn to.

"Bella…" Alice prodded, fidgeting poignantly with the magazine. This line of conversation was making her nervous. She didn't want speak negatively of Jacob, when Bella only thought he was trying to be a good friend, but how could she explain her open dislike of him? But for the sake of her friendship with Bella, she knew that she would be a better friend by listening as well as she could.

Bella gave her a look, again unsure of how much to share with the sister of her boyfriend. "I don't think we should talk about Jacob anymore."

Alice managed to display an expression of confusion rather than one of irritation. She _hated_ not being able to see Bella when she was around those _dogs_. "Then why were you in such a hurry to talk to me?"

Bella gave herself a light smack on the forehead. "Oh yeah," Bella replied, feeling a little stupid. "I touched him and there were these little fuzzy pictures all around my head and I didn't know what they were! I saw Jacob with long hair, and a guy in wheelchair? I saw an old red truck, and a beach with lots of rocks and driftwood… and then something else, I don't even know how to describe it…"

"What is it, Bella?" Alice asked softly, leaning forward. _Was she remembering?_

"All I got were words…. _The cold ones…_" Bella continued quietly, sitting up again. "That's the first time that's happened. And it's all because of Jacob..."

Alice went still again. "The cold ones?" she asked, forcing her voice to appear normal and light. "What does that mean?"

Bella shook her head. "I have no idea."

Before Alice could speak again, the phone that lay between them trilled loudly, causing Bella to jump. Alice, of course, didn't seem to notice, a far off look in her eyes. Bella watched her for a moment, confused, before finally reaching for the phone.

The ID read "Emily", but the name didn't mean a thing to her. "Hello?" She said cautiously.

"_Bella_!" a sweet voice replied. "_Hey, it's Emily_."

"Emily…" Bella repeated slowly.

"_Oh geez_!" The voice named Emily sounded embarrassed. "_I'm sorry! Um, I'm a friend of Jacob's. Well, yours too, but you know me through Jacob."_

"Ook…" Bella said, still feeling confused.

Alice's eyes refocused and she began watching her friend closely.

"_Well, anyway, there's a bonfire down at the reservation tonight, and I know Jacob would be really happy if you could be there. Everyone that you were… are… oh shoot! Um_…." Emily's words become jumbled.

Bella shook her head. "No, I get it. Friends. Just because I don't remember them doesn't mean they don't exist," she said, a little bitterly. She bit her lip, immediately regretting her tone. "Um, sorry…"

"_Oh, that's ok_!" Emily replied quickly, the sweetness reappearing in her voice. "_Everyone here would just really like to see you. And uh, you know… maybe it would help…_?"

"Yeah…. Sure…." Bella said, feeling a little overwhelmed. _Great,_ she thought,_ a bunch more people I don't know._

"_Oh, you don't have to come if you don't want to_!" Emily sounded distressed.

Again, Bella felt like a jerk. "I'll be there!" she said hurriedly, forcing her voice to sound pleased. "It might do me some good!"

"_Great_!" Emily replied, her voice relieved. "_We'll start around 8, when the sun goes down. You can meet me at my house. Charlie knows where it is_."

"Ok, see you then!" Bella said, pleased when her voice sounded excited.

"_Bye_!" Emily chirped, and Bella closed the phone.

She collapsed back against the bed again. Despite already knowing the answer, Alice asked, "Who was that?"

"Um, Emily?" Bella sputtered out, again feeling confused. "There's a bonfire on the reservation tonight and she wanted to invite me to see some of my friends there." She looked at Alice hopefully. "You wouldn't want to come with me, would you?"

Alice coughed suddenly, and shook her head, almost a little too vigorously. "I don't think that's a good idea, Bella."

"Why not?" Bella asked, once again feeling confused. "You took me down there earlier."

"Oh, I've just got plans with Jasper," She looked down at her watch and jumped off the bed. "I should go." She leaned over and gave Bella a quick hug. "Call me, later, ok? We need to talk some more!" And with that, she danced out of the room, leaving Bella to stare after her with her mouth agape.

_What was that all about?_

_

* * *

_

Paris, you handsome, woman-mad deceiver, you shouldn't have been born, or killed unmarried. I wish you had - it would have been far better than having you our shame, whom all suspect, Or having the long-haired Acheans laugh when you appear as champion-champion beauty - But have no strength, nor character, nor courage...

"Reciting The Iliad tonight, Alice?" Edward's cold voice said from behind her.

Alice didn't bother turning around. "It's a classic, Edward. I assumed you would appreciate it."

He hissed at her, but didn't move from his position in the doorway. "I'm not a fan of Book Three. I found Book Sixteen much more engaging." His tone of became harsher. "Now…what aren't you telling me?"

"Give me your armor to put on your shoulders; The Trojans might suppose I was you, hold back, and give the Acheans' sons a breather, for breathing spells in war are very few," She quoted at him, finally turning around. She arched a delicate eyebrow at him. He rolled his golden eyes in return, crossing his arms across his cold, marble chest. "There's nothing to tell, brother," she said lightly, dancing by him, out into the hallway. "I was just in the mood for some 8th century Greek poetry."

He hissed at her again. "Book Sixteen won't distract me either." But Alice just laughed her musical laugh at him and disappeared down the stairs.

* * *

Bella stood in front of Emily's house, nervously rubbing her arms. Charlie hadn't wanted her to come tonight, but Renee, who had been staying in Forks since Bella's accident, had finally convinced Charlie that Bella had to leave the house sometime. Charlie had begrudgingly agreed, muttering something about how he hoped Billy would keep a better eye on her than his son had.

Despite his complaints, Charlie had volunteered to drive her over, and in true Charlie fashion, managed to make the car ride more awkward then it already was. By the time they had arrived, Bella had practically leapt out of the car. No matter how nervous she felt about the bonfire, anything had to better than being trapped in the car with Charlie.

But now standing in front of Emily's house, she was so nervous that she couldn't bring herself to approach the door. Charlie had filled her in on some people she might meet, mostly friends of Jacob. Embry, Quil, Seth and Jared sounded like total goofballs, and she was actually looking forward to talking with them, hoping that she would feel instantly comfortable around them. Charlie's description of Sam's air of authority made her shiver. She was also worried about meeting Paul – Charlie had mentioned he was sensitive and quick to become angry. And then there Leah – she'd made a mental note during her father's endless rambling that Leah had dated Sam before Emily and that she was still quite bitter about the whole thing. She did a swift tally inside her head, hoping that she'd remembered everyone.

Bella was still thinking when the front door banged open and Embry bounded out. "Bella!" he cried excitedly. She backed away from him, eyes wide, but he scooped her up into his arms and swung her around, laughing, before she could make an attempt to stop him. "It's so great to see you! Everyone's missed you so much!"

"Put her down, Embry!" Emily demanded from the now wide open doorway. "What are you trying to do, scare the poor girl to death?"

Embry's eyes flew open in embarrassment as he quickly remembered Bella's accident. "Oops," he said sheepishly, placing her down gently on her feet.

Bella smoothed her shirt back in place uncomfortably. "Uh… it's ok… Embry?" She said slowly, hoping she'd picked the right answer.

He grinned, happy that she remembered him. "Yup, that's me!"

Two more boys appeared in the doorway behind Emily, and Bella assumed, from Charlie's apparently very accurate descriptions, that they were Quil and Seth. They waved to her, cautiously. Bella managed a very weak smile and waved back.

"Why don't you come inside," Emily suggested, stepping back to allow her entrance. "We're just finishing gathering up the food before we head down to the beach."

Everyone hurried back inside to finish their assigned tasks, Bella following slowly behind. She stood awkwardly next to the door, watching everyone move through the house. She studied Emily for a moment, hoping that the older girl wouldn't notice. She gasped when she saw the scars and struggled to contain her reaction, not wanting to upset anyone.

Emily turned towards her at the sound, and blushed slightly, gently touching the side of her face. "Don't worry about it, Bella," she said quietly, shaking her head. "I know that this is like seeing them for the first time. But please don't mention it to Sam."

Bella looked at her in confusion, but before she had a chance to say anything else, a pair of strong hands grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back outside onto the porch. She started to screamed and struggled against her captor, but the voice quickly said, "It's ok, Bells, it's just me."

She turned around and came face to face with Jacob. She relaxed slightly, and was surprised by how pleased she was to see him. "Hey," she said slowly.

"I didn't know you were coming," he whispered. He tentatively reached his fingers towards her face, and when she didn't protest, he gently pushed away a few strands of loose hair, tucking them behind her ear. "But I'm glad you're here…. I've missed you."

Bella felt like all the air had gone out of her lungs. The heat of his body surrounded her and she felt the overwhelming urge to kiss him…

"Hey!" The front door banged open again and Quil bounded out to the porch. He stopped short when he saw Bella and Jacob. Jacob growled at him, and Quil had the grace to blush and quickly retreat inside.

Bella took the opportunity to step back and she swiftly inhaled a deep breath, almost relieved by the cool air that quickly shocked her out of her reverie, and the moment was over. Jacob confused her. He made her feel things that she didn't understand. She looked back up at him. He was staring at her, a disappointed look on his face. "I, uh… didn't mean to surprise you by being here," she mumbled. "Emily called and invited me.

"No, honey," he said softly. "I'm just… glad you're here. That's all." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Well, I suppose we should help everyone finish so we can get down there."

Bella nodded quickly in agreement and followed him back inside.

_Anything to avoid being alone with him anymore._

* * *

Bella walked behind the rest of the group as they headed towards the beach. The boys galloped ahead, laughing and joking, almost as if they hadn't noticed the large loads they were carrying in their hands. She studied them, confused by their large, graceful movements. Emily had only given her a small basket to carry, and she found it difficult to maneuver along the trail. She sighed. Perhaps that was the uncoordinated part of her that Alice had reminded her about.

"Hey Bella," Emily said, stopping and turning to wait for her to catch up. "I'm so happy you decided to come out tonight. The boys keep asking Jacob when you're going to come around again."

Bella shrugged. "I'm trying," she mumbled. Emily blushed slightly, as if she were worried she had offended her. Bella groaned inwardly. If she kept being nasty to everyone, she wasn't going to have any friends left. "So um, is this thing going to be weird tonight? You know… because of my, um…" She didn't know how to finish the sentence.

"Oh, no," Emily reassured her. "They know. Sam told them in no uncertain terms were they to make you feel uncomfortable about anything." She smiled at Bella. "And besides, Jacob will knock anyone's lights out that come near you anyway," she continued, but then added hastily when she saw the shocked look on Bella's face, "I mean that in the best way possible! He's just protective of you, and he's very concerned about you getting better. He's not that kind of violent, don't worry."

Bella nodded. She assumed that was supposed to make her feel better, but it didn't.

"Jacob's a good guy, Bella. He's not possessive or crazy. He's just terribly protective of the people that he cares about, and he's even more sensitive about it since the accident," Emily added, sensing that Bella was still uncomfortable.

"Uh, thanks, Emily," Bella replied. "I'm just nervous about hanging out with people that I'm supposed to know but don't remember. It's awkward to be a stranger, watching your own life. It's almost like a movie in another language. Like I'm supposed to know what's happening, but somehow can't get a grip on it."

Emily nodded and reached over to gently pat Bella on the shoulder. "You'll have fun, I promise."

Bella attempted a small smile. She certainly hoped so…

* * *

Bella stood at the outskirts of the group, watching them talk and laugh, setting out the food and drinks. She'd placed her basket with the other items, but then quickly stepped back. She felt like she needed to watch everything first. Maybe if she did, something would happen that could find familiar… maybe then everything wouldn't be so awkward.

She'd realized, when they reached the fire pit, that this was the beach she had seen inside her head earlier. She knew then that it meant she was remembering things - it was exhilarating, but scary. She blew out the breath she didn't know she had been holding. _Fun_, she reminded herself sternly. _You're supposed to be having fun._

Jacob saw her standing alone and approached her slowly. She attempted to smile and him and failed, so she hugged her arms around her torso and waited for him to speak. "You ok?"

She shook her head, looking down at her feet, as she watched the toe of her shoe push a rock back and forth across the sand.

He placed his warm hand on the small of her back, attempting to comfort her. "It's going to be alright, Bells. I'm here with you… ok?"

Bella tried to smile back, and almost succeeded this time. "Thanks," she said.

He gently took her hand and she allowed him to lead her across the sand towards the sitting logs surrounding the fire. They found seats and as she watched him talk to Seth and Sam, she realized she felt entirely left out. And while no one gave her weird looks, she could just barely hear their whispers as they walked past. She wanted to cry - she knew this would be a bad idea.

"Jacob," she said, still gripping his hand tightly. "I don't know if I want to stay."

He put a hand on her cheek. "If you don't want to stay, that's ok. How about a little food and conversation, and if you still wanna go, we can. How does that sound?"

Bella hardly heard what he said because she was entirely too focused on his hand on her cheek. _A group of guys, pushing, shoving her…. She was so scared… a silver car?_ Jacob took his hand away and the fuzzy pictures stopped. Bella shook her hand to clear the images and quickly jumped up, moving quickly around the fire pit to where Emily and all the food sat. Jacob sat there, bewildered. '_What the hell?_' he thought.

* * *

As the evening wore on, Bella began to realize that she was enjoying herself. Seth, Quil and Embry were hilarious and whenever Sam was near, she felt safe and in control. Jared helped her make s'mores, which she found surprisingly good, and watching Paul and Jacob playfully wrestling each other on the beach made her laugh until she almost threw up.

But Jacob... Bella spent the whole night avoiding touching him because she was afraid what she might see if she did, and while she desperately wanted to remember her old life, she wasn't sure why Jacob made her feel the way she did. She just wasn't ready yet.

"Come ooooooon guys..." Embry whined. "Can we just jump in the water once? I won't even ask you for anything EVER again!" He crossed his fingers in a X over his heart. "Cross my heart, scout's honor, solemn pledge and all that happy jazz. PPLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASE!" He gave the group puppy eyes.

"Oh, shut the hell up!" Sam groaned, rolling his eyes and tossing a hotdog bun in Embry's direction. "No one wants to get in the water."

"I will," Bella said suddenly, standing up. Everyone turned to gape at her. She was surprised at herself, being so bold.

"Let's go!" Embry said excitedly, running over and grabbing her hand.

She laughed at him then, and allowed him to drag her over to the water. Her eyes widened as Embry unabashedly stripped off his shirt, but as she watched him dash into the water, she decided to throw caution to the wind. She'd been scared enough lately, and it was tiring. _Nothing wrong with having a little fun, right?_ She thought to herself. She kicked off her shoes, and pulled off the long sleeve shirt she had on over her tank top.

She dove into the water, exhilarated as the water rushed over her. For a moment, she considered never again rising to the surface. It was so quiet there…. So peaceful…

Her thoughts were disrupted as Embry reached through the water, grabbing her ankle. She jumped to the surface, splashing in his direction. He laughed in response, and before she could stop him, his long arms crossed the expanse between, promptly ducking her head back under the water.

Embry made it easy to forget, for those 3 minutes, how much she felt like she was living someone else's life…

* * *

By herself in the water now, Bella bobbed quietly in the waves, letting them softly butt against her waist as she stood there, watching the moon claim its' place in the night sky. She hated that she couldn't remember the reasons why so many things that night had made her think. What was so special about these bonfires? Or the beach? Why did touching Jacob make her fall apart inside? Why couldn't she remember all the inside jokes Embry and Quil seem to have? What happened to her childhood memories of her and Jacob? Seth was a such a dork - and she couldn't remember that either!

Bella was snapped back to the present when she heard Jacob calling her name. She looked up to see him walking towards her across the sand. She heard Jared and Seth yell down from the bonfire. "Come on, Bella!'

She sighed, and unwillingly turned around to make her way towards the beach. As her bare feet touched the sand, a wave hit her ankles, causing her to lose balance. Before she could fall, Jacob reached out for her, and she instinctively reached to him to steady herself. She tried catching herself, but suddenly she was falling into his arms….

_Edward saying goodbye, the pain, oh the pain… her heart shattering into a million pieces… falling, tripping into the wet leaves… the darkness came to claim her and she lay there, waiting for it to swallow her whole…_

Bella blinked away the images to see Jacob leaning above her, hands positioned on either side of her head, his knees straddling her own, staring intently into her face. She blushed, and then felt her cheeks, surprised to feel her owns tears on them. "Sorry," she said, hurriedly wiping them away, hoping he hadn't noticed. "I spaced out a little." She spread out her hands, surprised to find that she was laying on her back in the sand.

He smiled back, looking relieved. "I noticed. It's ok. I like looking at you," He watched her a moment longer. "Are you ok, Bella?" He touched her head gently. "Does your head hurt? You tripped, and if I hadn't been there to catch you, it looked like you would have gone down like a load of bricks…"

Bella shook her head, again feeling embarrassed. "I, uh... I think there's... there's something... you should know."

Jacob sat there, unsure of what to say because the only thing he could think about was the look in her eyes and the way his body felt, laying above her the way he was, in such an intimate pose. Mentally, he was kicking himself for setting this whole fiasco in motion to begin with, but he also knew there was nothing he could do to change the way things were.

Bella couldn't speak. It was too easy to just sit there and watch him look at her and wonder what he was thinking. It was awful looking into the eyes of a guy who was most certainly in love with her and she couldn't even remember why. All she wanted was to remember everything and get back to the way life had been before all these crazy things had happened. Her eyes trailed up one arm, across the expanse of his chest and down the other arm. His body was so strong, so powerful, and it should have made her nervous, but it didn't. She quickly realized that he was surrounding her in every way – and it tied her stomach in knots, the warmth creeping through her thighs. She blushed deeply, and was glad he couldn't see it in the darkness.

He felt her body change, smelled as her scent became darker, more musky. It caused his pelvis to spasm involuntarily and he felt himself grow hard. The heat spread like wildfire through his veins and he imagined, for a brief moment, her soft and nude, back arched, softly calling his name. He fought against his body's urge's to lean closer, and reluctantly, Jacob wretched his gaze away from hers and realized they were the only two left on the beach. The others must have left while he was helping Bella out of the water. Or perhaps they were actually trying to give them some privacy. Either way, he was grateful to be alone with her. Against his body's wishes to continue to stay so close to her, he rolled off of her to sit up, willing his body to calm down. Then he put his arms around her shoulders to help her up to a sitting position. He watched for a moment longer before he gestured towards the ocean.

"Look how beautiful," He said softly, reaching over to run his fingers through her damp hair. "There's something wild and untamed and faithful about the ocean." He looked at her again. "Whenever I'm upset or angry, I just look at the ocean and all of life's problems seem to drift away with the tide. Like how I feel when I'm with you."

Bella just stared at him, unable to think. She couldn't forget how her body had reacted to his, so easily, so naturally. His eyes were like chocolate, dark and swirling, and yet so familiar, even though for the life of her, she couldn't remember why she felt the way she did about this man.

"So what was it that you wanted to tell me?" Jacob asked.

"Oh. Well... the other day, at your house, I'm sorry that I just ran away like I did. I felt like I needed to explain myself," Bella said nervously, trying to avoid making eye contact. But Jacob grasped her chin with his thumb and fore finger and tilted her face until she looked at him. She should have known he would make her be brave.

"So...?" He said quietly, intently gazing into her eyes. "It's ok, Bella. I know this can't be easy for you and as hard as it is on me, I just want what's best for you. I know that I asked you to give us a chance, and that's all that I'm going to ask of you. I can't ask you to automatically remember everything and to expect that everything's going to be ok when we both know that it's not."

"Thank you. But you should know," Bella said insistently.

"Alright," He said, leaning back in the sand.

"Ok," She said. "I freaked out because when you hugged me, I started… having flashbacks. I saw you, but with longer hair. And a guy in a wheelchair? Charlie told me that was your dad…. My truck too… and something about… _the cold ones._ But no one could tell me what that meant…"

Jacob went very still beside her, unsure of how to react. He hoped she wouldn't ask him about that because he had no clue how to begin to answer it. He was beyond relieved when she continued to speak.

"I was really freaked out at first because I didn't know what I was remembering and then I was nervous about being around you because I didn't know why I was remembering things almost every time I touched you. It kinda freaked me out."

Jacob sighed and ran his hands through his hair. _'Wow,'_ he thought. _'She's finally remembering things. What does all of this mean?'_

But when he looked at her again, her face was much closer to his then what he remembered she was only seconds earlier. Then he noticed her lips, and how soft they looked. Slowly he leaned in towards her and touched her cheek with his fingertips softly, urging her mouth towards his.

They were about a millimeter apart when he looked into her eyes again. They were bright and shining, glowing in the moonlight, and he noticed that spark he thought had disappeared was still there... faint, but definitely still there. He smiled and...

A cold wave of water rolled over them, throwing them apart. They both laughed a little nervously, unsure of what had just happened between them. They quickly jumped backwards, attempting to avoid the next wave that was headed their way.

Jacob looked at her from the corner of his eye, unable to face her when he knew the disappointment he felt was evident in his expression. "So, I guess we should head back."

"Uh, yeah" Bella replied quietly, grabbing her t-shirt and slipping her feet back into the shoes she had discarded earlier.

As they headed back towards the bonfire, Bella kept a few feet of space between them, almost afraid that if she got too close to him, she wouldn't be able to stop herself the next time he almost kissed her.

As they entered the ring of sitting logs, they found Emily tapping her foot impatiently. "Jacob Black. I have been waiting on you to carry this last cooler. I thought you two had drowned down there or something."

Jacob rolled his eyes at her, but smiled, and obligingly collected the offending cooler. He slung it casually over one shoulder, as if it didn't contained the 50 pounds of whatever Emily had carefully stuffed inside.

As he sauntered away, Emily and Bella looked at each other and giggled. "Poor Jake," Emily said. "He never manages to avoid the heavy lifting."

Bella laughed too, but on the inside she felt left out again, because she absolutely couldn't understand what Emily was talking about, but didn't feel like telling her so. She was tired of being the one always asking the questions.

"C'mon Bella," Emily said, linking their arms together. "I can lend you some dry clothes at the house. Oh, and we're supposed to watch a movie if you would like to stay, and it's my turn to pick. But I may need some help, or the boys might convince me to watch some disgusting guy fighting movie."

"Sounds good!" Bella replied, laughing, not bothering to tell Emily that no matter what movie they picked, it wouldn't be one that she would remembering seeing in the first place. Together, they disappeared into the swallowing darkness of the forest, and Bella, for once, was quite happy to get lost in the deep blackness of the trees, because when she couldn't see her own shadow in the moonlight she almost forgot she couldn't recognize it anyway…


	5. Werewolves

*** once again, this is another chapter redeux – essentially the same, but just wanted to let everyone know… ***

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. And the closest I can get to Jacob Black is in my dreams!**

* * *

Tell me what you want to hear  
Something that delight those ears  
Sick of all the insincere  
I'm gonna give all my secrets away  
This time, don't need another perfect lie  
Don't care if critics ever jump in line  
I'm gonna give all my secrets away…

_Secrets_ - One Republic

* * *

Jacob sat on the porch while everyone was gathered inside, watching the moon and thinking. He and Bella had almost kissed. She was remembering things. That was good. But she still didn't know how she felt about him. That was bad.

He sighed and leaned back, resting his weight on his palms. "Jaaaaake!" A voiced called.

Inwardly, Jacob groaned. "Yeah, Seth?"

Seth opened the screen door that led to the porch and happily trotted over to where Jacob was sitting. Then he noticed the glare that he was receiving. "Uh... hey man. Am I interrupting something?"

Jacob sighed. "When aren't you, Seth?"

Seth thought for a second before shrugging and replying, "Probably never. Can I join you anyway?" He choose a space next to Jacob and settled into it.

Jacob laughed at Seth's obliviousness. "Sure. Whatever. "

"So how your swim with Bella? You two sure looked cozy and all lovey dovey."

Jacob glared at him for the second time. "You sure know how to invade people's privacy."

Seth shrugged again. "Kinda like how I always know how to not shut up when I need to."

Jacob laughed. "Man, one of these days I'm just going to knock you out."

Seth inched his way out of arm's reach. "That's ok. It's all good that you're just jealous of how hot and wonderful I am."

"Oh god, Seth," Jacob smirked. "If there are two things you are not, it's hot and wonderful."

Seth pouted. "Whatever."

"I would use something more along the lines of dorky, clumsy, and uncoordinated." Jacob continued. "In human form, at least."

Seth brightened and puffed up his chest. "That's right. I'm a kickass wolf."

Their banter was interrupted by Emily opening the screen door. "Come back inside you two," She demanded. "Jacob has a guest!"

Jacob rolled his eyes at her, but he knew she was right. He needed to get himself under control. If not for Bella, or Sam, or Billy, or Charlie or the pack… then for himself.

Seth made kissy noises at him. "Oooo Beeellllllaaa."

Jacob glared at him again, but this time he added a deep growl, rumbling low in his chest. Seth stopped mid kissy-noise, his lips still puckered, eyes widening a little, afraid Jacob might actually hit him.

Jacob barked out a husky laugh at Seth's idiocy and headed in Emily's direction. He and Bella may have a long way to go in their relationship, but he had to be confident that things could only go up from here. Plus, she was here tonight, spending time with the pack… with him. And that was a good thing too.

* * *

He found everyone settled in the living room, claiming seats on the couches, floor and on pillows. He noticed that the only spot left was next to Bella. He groaned inwardly. _How convenient._ Jacob sat down next to her, trying to make himself comfortable, nestling down in the fluff of the couch arm, and took a long sideways look at her. She was wearing a pair of Emily's jeans and a graphic T, her hair down, wavy and messy, just the like casual girl that she always was. His eyes traced the slope of her neck, following the line of the t-shirt into the curve of her breasts, the gentle arch of her hip. His gaze lowered to the waistband of the jeans she was wearing and he fought against the reaction it caused in his pants. He inhaled deeply, and almost sighed – she smelled like vanilla and strawberries. He had no idea how that girl always smelled so good to him, but she managed. To some people, she may have only looked ordinary, but to him, she couldn't have looked more amazing.

Emily distracted him by standing and moving in front of the large TV. She clapped her hands together to get everyone's attention. "Alright guys, so tonight's movie has been chosen. It wasn't my pick, so don't blame me," She winked at Bella. "Bella has chosen…. _An American Werewolf in Paris._" All the guys groaned and handfuls of popcorn went flying in her direction. Her hands shot up in the air in defeat. "Hey, hey now!" she laughed loudly. "Give the girl a break! It's not like we have much of a selection." She looked pointedly at Sam. "Someone was supposed to take me to the movie place and _somehow_ it slipped his mind." Boos filled the room and Sam shrugged innocently, and quickly reached up to snatch some popcorn out the air that Quil and Embry had thrown had him. Sam grinned at them and stuffed the small kernels into his mouth.

Bella laughed at their antics. She was doing her best to ignore the radiating heat she felt from the boy sitting beside her, but it was difficult. She looked out of the corner of her eye at him and found him looking at Quil, laughing about something. The muscles low in her stomach clenched and she looked away again, feeling the heat rising to her face.

Thankfully, Emily pressed play on the DVD player and dimmed the lights, leaving only the flickers from the screen to light the room. She was grateful for the darkness, if only for the fact that it hid her blush.

Jacob noticed the change in her body temperature and he shifted in his seat. He felt his own body responding, his groin tightening painfully. He pulled the small pillow he was leaning on over his lap, nervous that she would somehow notice how much she affected him, even in the dark. He shot a quick look in her direction, but her gaze was carefully fixed on the TV screen. He sighed and settled once again into his seat. _This was gonna be a loooong night…._

* * *

Boos and popcorn filled the air as the werewolf attacked someone on the screen. "Oh, come on, you bunch of neanderthals!" Bella protested loudly. "It was just getting to the good part!"

Seth scoffed. "This movie is a bunch of crap!"

She laughed at him. "Oh, yeah?" she asked him in a teasing voice. "What makes you the expert on werewolf behavior?"

"Everyone knows that werewolves don't act like that!" Seth argued, shaking his head to emphasize his point.

"Seth – " Sam interrupted, realizing where this conversation was headed. He reached towards the younger boy, but Seth moved out of his reach.

"The moon doesn't make us change!" Seth continued to protest.

"Damn it, Seth!" Sam said, loudly, reaching for him again, his fingers barely missing the collar on Seth's shirt before Seth jerked away again, completely oblivious to his Alpha's intentions.

"And we certainly wouldn't attack some random dude on the street!" he finished, satisfied with his answers. He smiled triumphantly, but then it fell quickly from his face as he realized what he had done.

Silence fell on the room. The movie still played, but no one was watching. All eyes turned to Bella, as a confused and shocked expression filled her face. "Us?" She whispered. She stood up and glared at Jacob. "What is going on?" Her voice got higher in pitch, and panic replaced the confusion in her eyes. She began to stumble over her words and waved her hands frantically around her face. "What are you _talking_ about, Seth?"

"What? What did I say?" He struggled to keep his face blank, his eyes innocent, but the bright spots that appeared on his cheeks gave him away.

"You said _us_," she shrieked. "I heard you! You just called yourself a werewolf!"

Jacob stood up and grabbed for her hand, to attempt to calm her. Bella jerked herself out of his grasp, but not before the image of a dark wolf, alone in the quiet forest, watching her, danced through her head. She inhaled sharply, gagging as she realized that Seth was not confused. "Oh my God," she whispered, and then turned and ran out of the room. Jacob realized when he heard the door slam that she had run outside.

He raced after her, hearing Sam's growling behind him, knowing that it was directed at Seth.

* * *

Jacob found her on the porch, her knees against her chest, arms wrapped around them. She was rocking slowly back and forth. He sighed, his stomach tied in knots. He hadn't wanted her to find out this way, knowing how much of a shock it would be. He wanted to go and sit beside her, hold her, comfort her somehow, but he didn't figure she would be very receptive to it at the moment.

After several minutes of silence passed, he thought he would go crazy. He wanted desperately for her to say something. When he couldn't take the tension anymore, he finally whispered, "Bella?"

She reacted as if he slapped her, her body flinching viciously. "Don't touch me, Jacob," she whispered dangerously. "Don't touch me."

His insides ached to hear such fear in her voice. "He's just a kid, being stupid, Bells. You shouldn't listen to a thing he says."

"No, Jake," she replied frostily. "I don't think so. Everyone is hiding things from me, and I'm tired of it."

"Will you just take a walk with me?" he pleaded. "Maybe it will help you calm down."

"I don't want to go anywhere with _you_," came her cold response. She refused to look at him. She _couldn't_ look at him. She was afraid of what would happen if she did.

"Please don't say that, Bells," he begged. "I would never hurt you."

"You already did," she shot back sharply. Her rocking had slowed, but she still hugged her arms tightly around herself, as if somehow it would protect her from the reality of the situation.

Jacob sighed, hanging his head. He pinched the bridge of his nose, silently cursing Seth for ruining what should have been a good evening for Bella. That kid was an idiot, but Jacob also knew he hadn't meant to say anything so stupid. But leave it to Seth to open his big trap and blurt out something about the pack.

So he did the only thing he could do – he just stood there, and waited for her to be ready to talk.

* * *

Inside, Seth cowered, lowering himself to the floor, his belly touching the hard wood, anything to appear as submissive as possible. "I'm sorry, Sam!" he mumbled. "I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"Do you know what you've just done?" Sam growled harshly. "She doesn't remember! That poor girl doesn't remember her own family, much less that supernatural creatures like werewolves and vampires even exist!" He shook his fist angrily in the younger boys' direction. "If you can't control yourself, Seth, I don't know how you're going to be a part of this pack."

Seth's eyes widened, panic and distress filling them. "Please don't kick me out, Sam!" he begged. "I'm sorry! I'll control myself, I swear!"

Sam shook his head. "It's too late now. I guess the wolf's out of the bag, so to speak…" He sighed, his gaze turning in the direction of the porch. "I can only hope that somehow Jake can salvage the situation and make things right with her." He looked at Emily, the only girl _he_ would ever love. "I don't think he can survive losing her again…"

* * *

The waiting was killing him. He silently begged her to say something, do something, _anything_.

"Bella?" he tried again hopefully.

"What, Jake?" she said flatly, still not looking at him.

"Can we talk now?"

"Are you going to tell me the real reason why Seth referred to himself, and the rest of you, as werewolves?" Bella demanded.

"It's nothing, Bells, I swear," Jacob said quickly. "He was just being stupid."

"No, Jake," she shook her head adamantly. "No, he wasn't. I'm not blind, you know. You guys are crazy strong, you have all these muscles, you run around like you know where the ground is without even looking, so graceful and beautiful… and your body… is so… hot." His eyes widened, but she added, "Not like that, perv," her tone was nasty. "I meant your skin temperature. I touch you and you feel like you're on fire."

"It's just the way us Quileutes are," he said lightly, desperately hoping that she would believe him.

She snorted in disgust. "Right." She stood up then, and he was surprised at her sudden movement. "Forget it. I'm better off hanging out with Edward, then. If this is how it's going to be around here."

"What are you talking about, Bella?" he demanded. "I know how you feel about me! I can tell by the way you look at me, the way you touch me, the way your body reacts when I'm near. I'm not blind either – and I feel the same way!" He sighed, his fingers dragging roughly through his tangled hair. "Please don't leave me, Bells. _Please._ I don't think I could bare it."

"Why not," Bella sneered. "Can't stand a little competition?" She watched him stagger, as if she'd punched him, and she immediately felt horrid for throwing Edward in his face.

She was about to apologize when she saw the anger fill his eyes. "Is that way you want it, then?" He spit out, his hands clenching angrily into fists. "That…. That…. Ugh! I don't even know how to describe him!"

Her eyes narrowed, her blood boiling once more, and she decided that he didn't deserve the apology. "At least he's not hiding something from me!"

Jacob choked out bitter laugh. "You have no idea what he's hiding from you, Bells," his eyes became dark slits, his body shivering with barely contained rage. "You. Have. No. Idea." He managed to say through his clenched teeth.

He was startled when she laughed at him. "Goodbye, Jacob." He couldn't move as he watched her walk away. So he just watched.

Watched as the girl he loved walked out of his life.

Again.

* * *

From what you do, because of you  
You know I can't be there  
Each time that you call  
I swore not to come, but I'm here after all  
I know by the look that I see in your eye  
I won't stand around and I won't watch you die  
From what you do, because of you  
What you do, what you do  
What's become of you?  
What you do, what you do  
What's become of...?

_Because of You_ - Nickelback

* * *

Jacob watched her until she disappeared into the darkness of the road, his body vibrating with anger, disgust, and regret. He shouldn't have let her leave like that, but what was he supposed to do? He couldn't tell her about the pack, not now, not yet. But instead, she wanted that _leech_? He almost gagged in revulsion. What was he even supposed to say to that?_  
_

He wanted to hate her. It would almost be easier that way – he could let her go, she could be with that bloodsucker. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much, knowing that she would turn to _that thing_ for comfort. He would no longer imagine her reaching for those cold arms, kissing his cool lips, dreaming of the day he would bite her, _ending her life_. Jacob shuddered at the images, willing them out of his brain.

He growled, and plunged his shaking fist in the tree in the front yard. It groaned, splintering under his assault. He barely felt it.

He heard Sam open the door behind him. "Jake…" he said softly.

"Don't, Sam," he growled. "Just… don't."

"Did she leave?" Sam continued anyway.

"She called the bloodsucker," Jake spit out. "If that's the kind of _thing_ she wants in her life, who am I to stop her?"

"Jake," Sam sighed. "You have to give her time. How did you expect her to act?"

Jacob shook his head violently. "I don't care! I have to… I just have to…"

"Go," Sam said. "It's ok. No one will bother you."

Without bothering to reply, Jacob sprinted towards the forest, relief flooding him, almost grateful at the feeling of his wolf bursting through his skin. He didn't even care that he'd shredded the clothes he was wearing.

_He was free._

He raced through the darkness, his paws pounding the earth, and in each step, he poured his human rage, punishing the dirt with his heavy weight. He increased his speed and reveled in the strain he felt in his muscles as he pushed further into the shadows. His rage fueled him, building inside him, and it pushed his wolf faster, harder, than he had ever gone before.

He howled, releasing the anguish that was threatening to choke off the air to his lungs, and plunged deeper into the woods.

Running to forget.

To forgive.

Almost wishing he never had to go back.


	6. The Cullens

***** if you've read this chapter before, as of 1.18.2011, the beginning has been slightly altered. Nothing that will change your perspective of the story – there's no new information or anything like that, but I hate it when writers just copy paste from a previous chapter just for purposes of "flashing back", so I wanted to change it more so it read better. *****

**This chapter begins with Bella reviewing her fight with Jacob, with a few more of her thoughts and viewpoints, so it will read slightly different than it did in Chapter 5.**

**I had a really hard time with this chapter, because all I want to do is write Bella and Jacob, but I knew I needed for Bella to explore and find some closure in her relationship with Edward. And I love the SM's version of Edward, so I can't write him as a bad guy.**

**

* * *

**

You call me a stranger  
You say I'm a danger  
But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight  
I'm broke and abandoned  
You are an angel…

_Stranger_ – Secondhand Serenade

* * *

Bella sat silently in the passenger seat of Edward's Volvo, watching him as he drove, going nowhere in particular.

She was surprised to not feel more grateful that he had agreed to come and get her, or pleased to be spending time with him. She just didn't feel… anything. She sighed, looking out the window, remembering the previous half hour.

* * *

"_Are you going to tell me the real reason why Seth referred to himself, and the rest of you, as werewolves?" she demanded. She wanted to know the truth this time, but something in the pit of her stomach told her that he was only about to tell her another lie._

"_It's nothing, Bells, I swear," Jacob said quickly. Her heart sunk deeper into her chest as the lies fell easily from his lips. "He was just being stupid."_

_The weight of the disappointment she felt towards him at that ve__ry moment almost broke her into a million pieces. "No, Jake," she shook her head adamantly. "No, he wasn't. I'm not blind, you know. You guys are crazy strong, you have all these muscles, you run around like you know where the ground is without even looking, so graceful and beautiful… and your body… is so… hot." His eyes widened, but she quickly added, "Not like that, perv," She didn't feel like even attempting to be nice anymore. She didn't have the patience or the desire – not when her entire life was spinning awkwardly on some foreign axis. "I meant your skin temperature. I touch you and you feel like you're on fire."_

"_It's just the way us Quileute's are," he said lightly, and she didn't believe a word of it._

_She snorted in disgust. "Right." She stood up then, suddenly determined to get away from him and forget that tonight had even happened. She was supposed to be Edward's girlfriend, not Jacob's.__ The sooner she got that through her head, the easier it would be on everyone. "Forget it. I'm better off hanging out with Edward, then. If this is how it's going to be around here."_

"_What are you talking about, Bella?" he demanded, and she heard the pain in his voice. It made her wince, but she fought it back, determined to stand her ground. "I know how you feel about me! I can tell by the way you look at me, the way you touch me, the way your body reacts when I'm near. I'm not blind either – and I feel the same way!" He sighed, and she watched as he tugged on his hair desperately. "Please don't leave me, Bells. Please. I don't think I could bare it."_

_He was right, but she refused to admit it. "Why not," Bella sneered. "Can't stand a little competition?" She watched him stagger, as if she'd punched him, and she immediately felt horrid for throwing Edward in his face.__ She may have felt bitter and angry, but the last thing she should have been doing was making it worse for her friends than it already was. _

_She was about to apologize when she saw the anger fill his eyes. "Is tha__t way you want it, then?" He spat out, his fingers curling in upon themselves, tightening until she saw his knuckles turn white. His sudden rage was almost frightening. "That…. That…. Ugh! I don't even know how to describe him!"_

_She felt her field of vision narrow and decided now was not the time to play nice.__ "At least he's not hiding something from me!"_

_Jacob choked out bitter laugh. "You have no idea what he's hiding from you, Bells," his eyes became dark slits, his body shivering with barely contained rage. "You. Have. No. Idea." He managed to say through his clenched teeth._

_She didn't know what he meant by that, but at that moment, she didn't even care. She almost sickened by how pleased she was when she realized he was startled when she laughed at him. "Goodbye, Jacob." She jumped off the porch and quickly walked away. She considered looking back, to see if she'd made her point, but she knew that if she could see the pain in his eyes, knowing it was her fault that it was there, she would run back into his arms and forgive him._

_But Bella didn't want to forgive him. She didn't know who she was around him, and maybe it would be easier this way._

_Before she could stop herself, she found her fingers dialing Edward's number. "Bella," he breathed her name into the speaker, as if her phone call had been the answer to some long awaited prayer._

"_Hey, Edward," she said uneasily. "I'm at La Push. Can you come and get me? I don't think… I don't think I want to be here anymore."_

_She heard his sharp intake of breath. "I'll kill him if he hurt you!"_

"_No, no, no," she shook her head, despite the fact that he couldn't see her face through the phone. "I'm just ready to leave is all, and I didn't want to interrupt everyone to ask for a ride home." She could see the tension that filled the air every time those two boys were in any close proximity with one another and she didn't want to start another fight. "Can you come get me?"_

"_Of course, love," he answered soothingly, and she could hear the revving of an engine in the background, and she knew he was already on his way…._

* * *

Edward watched her as he drove, keeping his eyes on the road more that he wanted to, but figured if he didn't, that he might just scare her more. He had been more that pleased when she called him, although he had been beyond disappointed to hear that she had been on the reservation. Using his decades of self control, he'd managed to contain his anger at the wolf for upsetting Bella once again, but he had yet to ask her what had caused such a disagreement. He only wanted the best for her, and he knew the best thing right now was not to bombard her with ideas about vampires and werewolves. And as much as he wanted to spend the rest of his existence with her, he had almost hoped that the amnesia would put her plans on hold to become like him indefinitely, giving her the time she needed to change her mind. His thoughts of her were broken up when he realized she was talking to him.

"So Edward... why did you come and get me?" Bella asked.

He looked at her, a little confused. "Because you called me?"

Bella shook her head. "No, I mean, I know I called you, but you didn't have to come."

"Why wouldn't I come? You asked me to."

She sighed. "I shouldn't have done that."

Edward stopped her by placing his hand softly on her thigh. "Bella. It's ok. I promise. If I didn't want to come get you, I would have said no. And if I haven't convinced you already, you're the last person I would ever say no to. Now, come on. You're coming to my house. Esme and Alice having been going crazy wanting to see you."

Bella smiled, but she knew it didn't reach her eyes. Instead, she studied his hand on her leg and wondered why it didn't affect her like Jacob's touch did….

* * *

Bella laughed and shook the french fries out of her hair. "Emmett! Stop it!"

He grinned at her. "That's what you get for stealing my food."

She giggled and her hand snaked across the table again. He slapped her lightly and moved his plate further away from her. "You're not even eating them!" Bella protested innocently, her eyes widening as she struggled to look sincere.

Emmett threw his head back and laughed. Bella smiled back at him, and this time, she realized how real it felt. _Why couldn't she feel that way about Edward?_

"Now, Emmett," Esme chastised him softly. "You be nice to Bella. Let her eat first."

Bella took the opportunity to stick her tongue at him and then snatched the plate away from him. Emmett laughed and let her take it. He watched her as she chowed down on the pile of fries in front of her. "So, um, Bella," he said in his deep voice. "How's it going?"

She stopped eating and looked at him strangely. "Um, fine."

He nodded vigorously. "Good." He patted the table and stood up awkwardly. "I'm, uh, gonna go in the living room." He nodded, emphasizing his point, and then walked away.

Bella's eyes followed him as he walked away, and then turned to stare as Esme, a confused look on her face. Esme laughed. "Oh, don't worry about him. He's worried about saying the wrong thing to you, since the accident and all. No one wants to put any pressure on you."

Bella nodded and looked down at the fries on the plate, her appetite for them suddenly disappearing. The smell of them was abruptly nauseating. She tasted metal in her mouth and she realized she was biting her tongue. She quickly released it and her eyes watered.

Esme sighed as she leaned against the sink, and then stiffened. She gasped and turned quickly away from Bella, dropping her dish towel on the floor in the process. "Oh, dear, I think I left the iron on upstairs!" She walked quickly out of the room, refusing to meet Bella's shocked gaze.

Edward entered the kitchen almost as soon as Esme had exited. He found a spot next to her, placing one hand on her arm, the other finding her leg under the table. He looked concerned. "Are you ok?"

"Um, yeah…" Bella replied slowly. "What was wrong with Esme?"

Edward shook his head. "I'm not sure. She's been a little distracted lately. She walked by me mumbling something about forgetting to finish upstairs." He shrugged and looked away, hoping his answer would satisfy her.

He was pleased when she changed to subject. "So… I know Alice has told me before, but can you explain your family to me? There are so many people, and I feel like an idiot with so many questions," she asked shyly, fingering the remaining cold French fries on the plate in front of her.

"Of course, love," he said softly, running a cold finger up and down her arm. They both studied the goose bumps that appeared in his touch's wake, her eyes rising slowly to meet his. "Well, Carlisle and Esme adopted each of us when they discovered very early in their relationship that they were unable to have children. It may seem odd to some that they would take in older children, but Carlisle felt that each of us held a certain spot in their hearts that a young babe would not. I wish I had those answers to give you, but unfortunately I do not. Perhaps that is a conversation you may have with Carlisle later." She nodded, still watching the trail his finger was creating up and down her arm. When he felt she had no questions, he continued. "But what Carlisle and Esme did not expect, was that during their adoption journeys, that they would also be playing matchmakers. I joined their small family first, then Rosalie and Emmett. We were all very surprised at the instant connection between them, but being that we were already teenagers at the time, and have no real blood connection, Carlisle did not forbid their relationship. Rosalie insisted she had a brother, he was older, and she searched for many months before finding him, having been separated at a much younger age. When she found him, Jasper was more than willing to join our family. He brought with him Alice, who was also happy to join us…" his voice drifted off. "So that is the story of how we came to be together."

Bella was quiet for a moment, absorbing his story. She still had questions, but they were elusive, and she couldn't quite form them in her mind. "So how did Carlisle and Esme come to adopt you?" She finally said, frustrated because that had not been the question she wanted to ask.

Edward thought for a moment how much to tell her, but decided that a basic version of the truth might satisfy her curiosity without revealing too much of his family's dark history. "Well, my mother was a patient of Carlisle's, and he grew fond of her. On her death bed, she begged him to take care of me. When she passed, and no other family could be found, Carlisle decided I should be a part of the family."

"Can I ask…." Bella's voice trailed off, unsure of itself.

"You may ask any question you like, love," Edward replied soothingly, his fingers resuming their delicate journey up and down her arm.

"How did your mother die?" Bella blurted out, immediately feeling sorry she had asked. It was a stupid question and she worried that it had brought up painful memories.

But Edward's face did not register pain. Only his eyes flickered with a brief moment of sadness before it was gone, and his mouth opened to answer her question. "Influenza. Perhaps if she had received proper care in the early stages…." He let the implication lie, and watched as the assumption formed in Bella's eyes.

Their conversation ended as Esme re-entered the kitchen. "I'm so sorry, Bella," She apologized. "I was so excited to hear that you were coming over that I completely forgot about the work I was doing upstairs and I was worried I had left the iron on." She gently stroked Bella's hair, her eyes soft and full of love. "I do hope you'll forgive my rudeness."

"Oh, of course, Esme," Bella sputtered. "It's not, um, you know… don't worry about it."

Esme smiled. "Are you finished with your plate?" Bella nodded dumbly, not sure what to say next. "I believe that your curfew is soon, dear," Esme continued softly, turning to look at the clock. "Would you like me to call Charlie for you, let him know that you are here?"

Bella shook her head, standing and moving from the table. She was strangely relieved to be away from Edward, his cold touch sending shivers down her spine. _How was anyone so cold? How had she spent these last months dating him?_

Edward interrupted her train of thought. "I would be happy to take you home, Bella," he said smoothly. "We would not want Charlie or Renee to worry."

"No," Bella muttered, studying her shoelaces. "No, of course not."

He sighed, concerned by her reactions to him, and placed his hand gently in the small of her back to steer her towards the door. She flinched at his touch and his hand immediately dropped. She felt rather than saw his disappointment and quickly collected her purse, frustrated by the way the entire evening had gone. "Thanks Esme, for cooking."

Esme smiled. "Of course, Bella. Anytime."

Bella allowed Edward to lead her outside to his car. It was strange, his behavior. How he seemed determined to open every door for her, help her to sit, standing when she did…. She couldn't put her finger on it, but it was just….

_Strange._

* * *

The ride back to Charlie's was silent. She didn't know what to say to him anymore. She sighed, leaning her forehead against the cool car window. Everything made her feel uncomfortable. With Jacob, she felt heat, uncontrollable heat, and when he touched her, she felt like every inch of her body would burst into flame, taking her heart right along with it. It was such an intense feeling that she couldn't decide yet if it was a good one or a bad one. Jacob was fierce, passionate and his body was beyond amazing. She'd tried to ignore the feelings he caused inside her, but she didn't know how much longer that was going to work. And Edward… Edward's touch gave her the shivers, and goose bumps erupted across her skin whenever he was near. She felt his magnetism, the pull of his eyes when he watched her. There was a connection there, which she could not deny. But what that connection meant, she still wasn't sure.

Bella didn't realize they had reached her house until she felt the door she was leaning on open, almost causing her to fall out and into Edward's waiting arms. She stiffened against him, moving away to lean against the car. Her breath came in gasps, her skin tingling with his nearness. She licked her lips, completely confused by what she knew she was about to do.

Before she could stop herself, Bella leaned forward, determined to kiss him. He was, she rationalized, her boyfriend. She was more than surprised when he reached up his hands, placing them on her shoulders, stopping her from coming any closer.

"Bella," he breathed, shaking his head. "What are you doing?"

"Um, I thought it was obvious," she replied, confused. "I was going to kiss my boyfriend."

"Are you sure that's a wise choice right now?" He asked gently, reaching up to touch a loose strand of hair that had fallen into her eyes. "You must feel like you barely know me."

Bella felt like all the wind had been knocked out of her. _He knew_. Had she been that obvious? It made her heart ache, thinking about how much her behavior must have hurt him. "I'm sorry, Edward," She whispered, feeling the tears rise in her eyes. "I'm trying, I promise, I really am."

"Hush, my love," he said with a sigh, pulling her into his arms, his words almost getting lost as he mumbled into her hair. "Do not worry. I will not push you. I would just hope that you would want to kiss me because of your feelings for me, not because of your deep rooted sense of obligation. You do not need to kiss me because you feel it is necessary."

She sighed, almost wishing that he was not so perfect. Anyone else probably would have punched her for her insensitivity. "No, Edward," She insisted. "I need to do this…. Please?"

He almost groaned, overwhelmed by the idea that this human girl he loved so much could bring him to his knees. _Pleading with him to kiss her_. He sucked in a breath, determined to give her what she needed. He pulled back from her just enough to lower his face to hers.

He grazed her lips softly with his, gently at first, but his need to touch her quickly erased any thoughts he had about keeping the moment chaste. She was warm, and smelled incredible. He had missed her desperately, and kissing her was more than he thought he could bear.

Bella couldn't move, stunned by his icy lips. He gasped, moving against her with a new intensity and she forced herself to return his movements. His touch was light, gentle, and contained such a love that she was almost moved to tears by it's force. But she also was devastated by the realization that the love she felt was completely one-sided. His lips were nice, moving in ways that probably cause most women to swoon. But the only image that filled her head was that of a russet skinned, dark haired man, his chiseled features and prominent muscles causing more than naughty thoughts to dance through her head.

Noticing a change in her, Edward pulled away. He thought his icy heart would break as he watched her emotions flicker across her face. It was quite obvious to him that this kiss that she had begged for had brought her nothing but memories of someone else. He bit his lip and looked away. "I'm sure Charlie is waiting for you," he said abruptly, his voice rough.

Bella watched him for a moment, concerned that he had realized what his touch had caused her to think about. But when he turned to face her again, he was smiling. He kissed her forehead gently. "Good night, love," he said softly, his voice filled with an emotion that she didn't have a name for.

She watched him drive away, hugging her arms to her body. She blew out a breath, frustrated. _If I thought I was confused before…_

Bella was interrupted by the front door banging open, and she turned to see a frazzled Charlie appear on the porch. "Dad-" she began, hoping he wouldn't be mad that Edward had brought her home when she was supposed to be at the reservation with Jacob.

"It's Jacob, Bella," Charlie blurted out. "We have to go. Now."


	7. The Hunter Becomes the Hunted

**Please enjoy, and don't kill me when you're finished!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, SM does, and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for giving them for the world to enjoy! (Although she didn't know the value of them when she wrote it, or Jacob and Bella would have wound up together!)**

* * *

For what feels like a life time I stood my ground  
I felt nothing could touch me until now  
Fall, and then you watch me, Fall  
The warrior inside me is crying out  
Set your face like a flint and stand your ground  
Fall, and then you watch me, Fall  
Never wanted, never wished for  
My failures to hold me back  
The only thing worth meaning  
Is falling through the cracks  
Will I find what I am looking for?  
My very own existence  
May cost me everything  
My existence is overtaking me  
I'm hoping and praying for a chance to live…  
_Eternal_ - War of Ages

* * *

Jacob trotted slowly, stopping intermittingly to sniff the air, huffing his warm breath into the cold darkness. His anger had dissipated, for now. He shook his shaggy head, almost angry at his human brain for distracting his simple wolf one.

He sighed, and chose a soft mossy place where he could lay down, facing the cliff, and see the crashing waves below. It was easier as a wolf – run, sleep, kill vampires… _mate_. The word sent shivers through his long body and he heard snarling – only to realize the only thing he was growling at was himself. It snapped him out the morose thought pattern he had found himself in, and he almost laughed, but it came out sounding more like a bark.

Jacob raised his huge snout, taking a moment to sniff the air. Something made his hair stand on end, but he could smell nothing – just the water, the trees, the dirt, and the forest surrounding him.

Another sigh rippled through him as Bella filled his mind once more. He wished their relationship could be simple. But it wasn't – and never had been.

He had spent the last year imagining how it would feel to have Bella as _his_ – without the complication of the leeches. As much as it had ripped him apart to see her in so much pain, he had almost been grateful the bloodsuckers had left town. And if they had only stayed away, he could have finally proved to Bella that _he_ was the one that could make her happy. He rolled his huge wolf eyes. Not that it mattered. He could sit there and play the "What if?" game until the day he died but that didn't change the way things were.

He wanted to be mean – to play the façade, open the door to the inner asshole that he kept hidden inside him. It was difficult to play nice sometimes – she just couldn't let go and allow anything to be easy. She had fought him, every step of the way. There were moments when she had been so cruel that he had almost wanted to rip her throat out right then and there – but then she would smile at him, and then it was if the whole world just fell away. He felt stupid for forgiving her so easily, but it happened time and time again, and there was no reason to fight anymore. He was in love with her – and nothing else mattered anymore.

Jacob wanted to gag, hearing the mushy thoughts dance around in his head, but he knew that it was futile. He had fallen for her, years ago, when the most entertaining thing to do with her was make mud pies. His large wolf eyes narrowed he considered what would be fun now. _She didn't make that easy either_. He had had her lying underneath him on the beach only a few hours ago and it took all his self control to not rip off her clothes and bury himself inside her. Not that he was experienced. Sure, there had been plenty of girls, and not just ones on the reservation, that had made it _very_ clear that they were more than willing to get naked with him. Quil and Embry had encouraged him to go for it – Bella or no Bella, sex was sex.

But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He would be out at parties, or a club, and he could smell their arousal, their need, their desire for his body. He loved the attention, reveled in it. He wouldn't deny the fact that their yearning had blown up his ego to unnatural proportions, but whenever they reached for the button on his jeans, the image of Bella filled his head. It had almost felt like cheating. And Jacob wasn't a cheater.

Why he continued to feel this way when she had chosen the bloodsucker over him time and time again, he would never know. But the Great Spirits had brought them to where they were now. For the first time, Bella was a blank slate. Nothing to influence her one way or the other. He could only hope that this time, she would realize that Jacob was the perfect fit for her, and not Edward.

He shuddered at the thought of her becoming one of them. It made him sick to think that if she did, he really would lose her. Forever. Permanently. The point of no return. He could not let it get that far. There had to be a way to show her how much he loved her.

The hair on his neck tingled again, and he snarled in frustration. He quickly inhaled, breathing in the cool night air, and again, he smelled nothing but the forest. Jacob growled.

_Something was coming._

He rose from his spot on the cliff, and quickly found his way back down the mountain, racing towards Sam's house. He howled, twice, making sure they knew he was on his way. _Be ready._

* * *

Jacob should have felt pleased to find every wolf waiting outside of Sam's for his return, but he was too worried to feel anything but rage.

It briefly crossed his mind that emotions were simpler in wolf form, if he shut out his human thoughts. There was anger, there was joy, and there was possession. Nothing more. Much less complicated than his typical feelings.

Shoving the thought away, he quickly explained his sudden appearance to his fellow pack members. _I don't know what it is, but it's out there. Something's coming for us. I can't smell it yet… but it's definitely out there._

_Vamp?_ asked Quil, his large feet dancing in excitement.

_Don't know,_ Jacob huffed, sending hot clouds of breath into the night. _Probably. We've been waiting for Victoria to come back._

_That leech again?_ sneered Leah. _She's only after Bella. I'm tired of chasing that red-haired bitch around._

Jacob's lips pulled back in a deep growl, exposing every sharp, white fang in his mouth. He snapped his jaws at her angrily, his teeth gnashing. His ears flattened and he lowered his head, preparing to launch himself at her. She braced herself for his attack, deep snarls rumbling from her chest. _How dare you, you fucking bitch!_ He snapped at her. _The only reason you don't want to help is because you know that no one-_

_Jacob! LEAH!_ rumbled Sam's authoritative voice. _We are not just the protector's of our people, but of all people. We exist for the purpose of defending humans against vampires._ Her eyes narrowed at him, but she didn't respond. _If you have a problem with that,_ Sam continued, _you can leave now. We don't need you tonight if you're not going to be helpful. We have a job to do. I don't need to hear your bitchy complaints for the rest of tonight. So shut up and help your brothers, or get the fuck out._ Her eyes widened as his tone got nastier but she lowered her eyes and sat back on her haunches. Sam waited to see if she had any comments. When he was satisfied that she didn't, he turned once again to face his pack. _We need this taken care of once and for all. Everyone on patrols, now. In pairs. Quil and Seth, go – northern perimeter. Leah and Embry, watch the east. Jared and Paul, I want you to cover our western border while Jacob and I head south to watch Forks. Now go. Be on alert._

Each wolf found their respective partners and begin to move in their assigned directions. Jacob was grateful to be alone with Sam, knowing the older man would not ask him questions. He needed to be a wolf, for just a little while, and he could not have done that with Quil, Embry or Seth at his side.

Together they raced along the border between the reservation and Forks, quickly inhaling and dispelling the cold air, listening, waiting, searching for that one smell that they knew would find.

As they reached the western corner, Sam slowed his pace, and Jacob followed his Alpha's lead. _Jacob, we don't have time to talk, but I do have one question for you._

_What, Sam?_ Jacob asked, his snout searching some nearby shrubs and trees for any tell-tale smells of leech.

_Can you handle this?_

_Handle what?_ was Jake's growled response, not liking where the conversation was headed. He thought he could trust Sam not to distract him from the hunt, but he was, bringing up the last subject he wanted to discuss.

_Everything that's going on with Bella,_ Sam answered, not at all concerned about upsetting Jacob. _I know you don't want to talk about it, so all I need to know is that you're not going to go off the deep end again. You're Beta in this pack now, and I need your support, your strength, to hold this pack together. If you cannot give me 100%, then I need to know it now._

Jacob stopped, letting his wolf eyes study the beast opposite him. Not being the best possible Beta to his pack had not even crossed his mind. _Have I failed in fulfilling my duties since I took the position as your Beta?_

_No,_ replied Sam. _But for the safety of the pack, I need to ask._

_No, you don't,_ Jacob snarled. _A little trust would be appreciated._

_It's MY pack, Jacob Black,_ Sam snapped back. _Until someone else takes on the responsibility, it's my job to make sure everyone else does theirs. And that includes you. And don't you DARE question my authority again._

Jacob flattened his ears against his head and didn't reply. He buried his snout in the earth again, determined to forget about Bella until the leech they were chasing had been caught and destroyed.

Two deep howls resounded from the northern edge of the reservation. Quil and Seth.

_LEEEECH!_ cried out Seth, and every set of paws turned in their direction.

As a pack, they answered their brothers' call for help, and their howls echoed through the forests, their feet pounding the dark, wet earth, their snarls of anticipation replaying their eagerness for the fight that was about to come….

* * *

They found her, dancing across a cliff line, taunting them as she jumped easily along the jagged rocks.

Seth and Quil had almost cornered her several times, but she was fast, and each time, they had missed her by inches.

_Seth, Embry, Quil and Jared_, Sam shouted. _Take the northern edge of the rock line. Let's try and push her south – if she gets to far north, she'll be out of our territory so fast that she won't get the fight that we know she's looking for!_

A chorus of growls came from the wolves, echoing their agreement. Seth, Embry, Quil and Jared broke away, heading in the direction that Sam had indicated. The red-haired bitch jumped further away again, finding her way to the top of a large pine. Her laughter floated down to them and Jacob snarled at her, furious with the creature that dared to threaten Bella.

_Jacob!_ Sam ordered. _Fade back, come in the from eastern side. We'll try and lead her your direction._

Jacob dove back into the darkness, circling back around to find the rocks from the opposite direction. His nostrils were filled with the sickening scent of leech and he fought against the sensation it caused in his nose. He heard the snarls and snaps of his brothers and sister as they pushed Victoria in his direction, but he forced out the sounds of their shouts and instructions to one another. He cleared his mind, totally focused on the sounds Victoria made as she jumped from tree to tree.

He heard her nails puncture the tree bark, her quiet snarls as her eyes watched the wolves give chase on the ground below her. She sucked in her breath, and then coughed, as their smelled filled the air around her. He heard the sound of her muscles coil as she prepared to launch herself towards another tree. The resounding thump her marbled body made as she found her wooden target told Jacob exactly which tree she had landed in.

His body tensed, his eyes searching her out in the darkness. He waited, patiently, anxiously, excitedly, as the crimson tressed bitch flung herself one tree closer to him.

A surprised howl ripped from his throat as a body hurled itself into his shoulder. His large head slammed into the closest tree and he felt it shudder from the impact of his massive body. He struggled to recover, his jaws snapping at the new vampire that appeared before him.

This leech was blond, and strong. Stronger than any other vampire that Jacob had faced before. His vision was hazy, his shoulder throbbing. He staggered towards the intruder, but it jumped over his head. He whirled to face it, but not fast enough. He heard his pack as they thundered towards him but he knew that they were not going to be quick enough... that it was already too late.

Jacob heard the tree as it splintered, its' dirt foundation giving way. It groaned and creaked as it spun in the darkness, and before he could move, he felt it slam his body into the ground. Pain enveloped him, and before he could be afraid, he welcomed the darkness.


	8. The Dream

****

Enjoy!

_**Italics**_** are dreams, in case that isn't obvious.**

**Disclaimer - I am not SM, no matter I much I wish I was!**

* * *

Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all…  
You're sick of feeling numb  
You're not the only one  
I'll take you by the hand  
And I'll show you a world that you can understand  
This life is filled with hurt  
When happiness doesn't work  
Trust me and take my hand  
When the lights go out you will understand…

_Pain_ - Three Days Grace

* * *

"_Jacob Black!" she giggled, smacking his hands as they wondered across her quickly expanding belly towards the waistband of her maternity pants. "I told you not right now! As you can see, I am trying to cook you dinner!"_

"_Mmmm…." he moaned softly into her ear. "I know something that would taste much better…"_

_This time, the spatula came down on his hands, whacking against them repeatedly. He smiled at her feeble attempts to distract him. He reached up to grab her wrists lightly, forcing her to stop her half-hearted assault on him. She gasped as he spun her around to press her back against the countertop, forcing her hips to press into his. "Can't you see what you do to me, Mrs. Black?" He_ _murmured, catching her delicate earlobe between his teeth._

* * *

"Support his head, Quil!"

"You have to keep a better grip on his shoulders! I can't hang on to his legs if you don't hold him up!"

"Shut up! I'm trying to call Carlisle!"

_

* * *

_

She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at him. "Is that so, Mr. Black?"

_He nodded, biting his lip. He looked down sheepishly, and then back up. "Please, wife?"_

_She laughed at him them. "Can I finish dinner first?" Her smile grew wider. "I wouldn't want my poor_ _husband to starve to death. He has the appetite of an animal!"_

_He returned her smile, leaning in to her soft lips… once, twice, three times… each one with a little more pressure than the last…. He pulled away from her then, giving her a gently swat on the hip. "Fix my dinner, woman!"_

_Her giggles returned, and the sound of it followed him as he made his way out of the room. God, he loved her…_

* * *

"His head is still bleeding, Sam! I can't keep enough pressure on it!"

"Just do the best you can! Carlisle will meet us at Jake's!"

* * *

"_Breathe, honey… breathe…" He crooned softly in her ear, pushing away the sweaty strands of hair that had glued themselves to her forehead._

"_Don't tell me to breathe, Jacob Black!" she snapped, her brown eyes flashing angrily at him. "I'd like to see you breath with a 10 pound bowling ball in your crotch." she continued to mutter, her eyes narrowing. "Don't you tell me to breathe…"_

_He managed to avoid a smile. Damn, she was sexy when she was mad. He resumed his gentle stroking of her forehead. Anything to keep her calm. He turned his attention to the heart monitor on the other side of the bed. The gentle whooshing sound filled the room, and he felt his chest swell at the sound._

_A baby's heartbeat… __**his**__ baby's heartbeat._

* * *

"Hurry up!"

"We have got to move faster! Embry, you need to keep a better hold on his neck!"

"Oh my God, Sam… the blood is everywhere!"

_

* * *

_

It broke his heart to hear her scream. Her teeth clamped shut, and she grunted painfully, her face contorting as another contraction shuddered along her belly. "It's time to push," The doctor said, settling himself into his position at the bottom of the bed. He reached up under the blankets,

_moving his hands along her stomach. "Yup, you're looking great! A few pushes and you can finally meet your baby!"_

_Her breath came in ragged gasps, and she clutched the bed sheets frantically. Her terrified gaze fell on Jacob. "I'm s__cared," she mouthed to him desperately._

"_I know, baby," he whispered back. "I love you."_

* * *

"We're almost back at the house - does Billy know we're coming?"

"I called him - He knows!"

"Watch out for the rock - no one trip over it!"

"How's the head wound?"

"It's still bleeding! I can't - I can't get it to stop!"

"Just keep the pressure on! We're almost there!"

_

* * *

_

She screamed again, her face red with exhaustion. "One more push!" the doctor called. "Your baby is crowning - I can see the head!"

_Tears streamed down her face. Her lips were dried and cracked, and she ran her tongue over them, trying to sooth that one small ache. Her eyes fell on him again. "Jacob," she choked out, reaching feverishly for his hand._

_He grabbed her tightly and gently reached out to turn her face to his. "Look at me," he said roughly. "I need to see your eyes."_

_Her brown eyes flew open wide, her mouth formed a small 'o' as another contraction shook her small frame. "Last push - now!" the doctor commanded._

_Her eyes clamped shut and Jacob reached for her face, cradling her cheeks in his large hands. "I'm right here baby…" Her eye lids snapped up and the final scream slipped past her lips._

* * *

"Get him inside! Dr. Cullen is on his way!"

"What the hell happened out there?"

"Vampire attack. A tree fell on him - we tried to… I'm so sorry!"

"Don't tell me how you're sorry! Tell me how you're going to help him!"

"We've called Carlisle - he's on his way!"

_

* * *

_

A shrill, warbling cry filled the room, and all the pain oozed out of her body. She collapsed against the pillows as she began to sob. The doctor emerged from the bottom of the bed, a small bundle in his arms.

"_Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Black," the doctor murmured, handing Jacob the blanketed infant._ _"It's a boy…."_

_If it was even possible, Jacob felt his heart clench even more painfully, happily, joyfully. My son, he thought of pride. He leaned over to rest their newborn child against her face. "Ephraim Charles Black…" she sighed quietly, tears of love slipping down her reddened cheeks. "It's nice to finally meet you."_

_Jacob leaned down, gently placing his lips on hers. "You are amazing," he breathed into her hair. "I'm so proud of you."_

"_I love you, Jacob Black," she whispered fiercely, her gaze capturing his. "I'll always love you…"_

* * *

The pain severed his peaceful vision, and the agonizing grief he felt as it slipped away caused a rattling howl to wrench itself from his chest. Voices surrounded him suddenly, and he felt the wetness slid out from under his tightly clenched eyelids. He desperately prayed for the darkness to take him again, anything to bring her back to him.

To his relief, it returned quickly, and he reveled in it, rushing headlong into the swallowing state of unconsciousness….

* * *

Bella bounced in her seat, unable to find another way to expel the pent up tension she felt inside. Her fingers twisted together nervously as she debated whether or not to ask Charlie what had happened to Jacob. She wanted to know - it made her crazy thinking that she might be freaking out over a cut on the head. But if she did ask - she was afraid Charlie would tell her it was much more serious than she feared.

Charlie, after watching her anxiously fidget for a majority of the ride, finally broke the silence. "Bells," he said softly.

Bella was so surprised by the sudden noise in the quiet car that she jumped, and whacked the side of her head on the window in the process.

Charlie managed to find enough self control to not stomp on the breaks and pull over. "Are you alright?" he practically screamed, his eyes darting between the road and his daughter, his own nerves terribly frayed from Bella's recent injuries.

She nodded, wincing, rubbing the spot where her skull had connected with the glass. "You've _got_ to stop surprising me like that, Dad," she mumbled.

He managed an awkward laugh that sounded more like a dying parrot than anything else. "Sorry, Bells," he replied, finally able to loosen the tight grip he had been maintaining on the steering wheel. All I wanted to say was that Jacob will be fine. He's young and strong, and I'm sure Dr. Cullen is already at his house fixing him up."

Bella's brow furrowed. "Why is Dr. Cullen making a house call? Wouldn't it be better for Jacob to go to the hospital?"

Charlie shrugged. "I'm not sure. He does that for a few families on the reservation. Maybe because they feel uncomfortable going to a 'white man's hospital'," he said, making finger quotations in the air. "It's probably just a precautionary visit anyway. But Billy's a wreck, and I thought it would be best to keep him company for a bit." He nudged Bella's thigh with his fist. "And besides, I'm sure Jacob would be more than happy to see you."

Bella grimaced and rolled her eyes. "We're just friends, Dad. Geez. Jacob mentioned that you gossip like two old women and now I know what he meant."

Charlie laughed and reached over to give her hand a squeeze. "We just want you two kids to be happy, that's all. After everything that our families have been through, a little happiness wouldn't be a bad thing…" His voice trailed off and he swallowed hard. He opened his mouth to say something else, but then he promptly closed his lips again.

"I know, Dad," Bella whispered, squeezing his hand back. "Trust me, I know…"

* * *

"Jacob! Stop it!" Carlisle demanded. "I need to reset these bones in your shoulder and I can't do that if you won't hold still!"

Jacob growled and tried to push him away. "Take your fucking hands off me!" He started to move in an attempt to sit up, but the searing pain in his shoulder forced him back down on the bed. His head screamed in agony and he gagged, but managed to keep himself from retching all over the good doctor. He took a few deep breaths, reaching up to rub his forehead with his good hand.

"Jacob Black!" Carlisle snapped. "You have a shattered shoulder, a torn rotator cuff, several broken ribs and a fairly severe skull fracture. If you didn't heal so quickly, you might have been dead by now. Now let me reset your shoulder before your bone knit together the wrong way and you never again have full use of your arm!"

Jacob scowled at him and winced from the pain even the most minute movement caused. "Well, shut the fuck up and fucking fix it then, damnit!" he growled, the sweat beading on his forehead. The throbbing inside his skull increased and he swore he would never move again. He slowed his breathing even more, forcing himself to focus on the air as it moved in and out of his lungs. His chest didn't hurt quite so much now, and he assumed that the cracked ribs were well on their way to being completely healed. The urge to vomit slowly subsided and he was able to relax the tension that arched across his facial muscles.

He wished Carlisle had just left him unconscious. It probably would have been easier that way. He rolled his eyes as he watched Carlisle work, his fingers moving along Jacob's ribs, collarbone, neck, shoulder.

He wanted to dream again. He _needed_ to dream again.

Carlisle raised an eyebrow at Jacob, watching the emotions play across the young man's face, but didn't call attention to it. His cold hands drifted along Jacob's shoulder, feeling along the skin for different cracks and bumps. When he would find a piece of lost bone or a fragment that didn't belong, he would manipulate it with his fingers, pressing down to force each piece back in place. Jacob clenched his teeth, a hiss of breath escaping his tightly clamped lips each time another bone cracked. And though he would never, _ever,_ say it out loud, the leech's cold hands came in handy for once. _Who_ _needed ice when you had a vamp on hand?_ He smiled at his own joke, but it was quickly erased with a gasp as Carlisle broke yet another bone.

By the time Carlisle was finished, Jacob's sheets were soaked in sweat, and he was visibly straining from the effort it took to keep from throwing up. He couldn't even bear to open his eyes anymore as the pain in his head expanded exponentially. He could literally feel the swelling and he prayed again for unconsciousness.

"Isn't there anything you can give him?" Billy asked quietly, as he and Carlisle talked in the hallway. "He may heal quickly, but that doesn't mean that he can't feel the pain."

"I do have some morphine, but I don't know how long it will help him. The higher body temperature and metabolism makes dosage difficult. It will burn off of his system rather quickly. But I am worried that his system will go into shock from the pain." His brows knitted together in seriousness. "If he wasn't… Jacob… he would have died, Mr. Black. His ribs are almost healed and his shoulder will be 100% within a week, but the skull fracture has me worried. It's healing, but the brain is such a delicate thing. I wish we could somehow to take him to the hospital so I could monitor him better, but unfortunately we both know that is impossible."

Billy nodded gravely and Carlisle looked away as Billy fought back tears. "So what can we do?"

"I'm going to sedate him, for now. It should put him out for a few hours. I'll go over to the hospital, see if I can somehow borrow some equipment for the next few days. I can't guarantee anything, but I will do my best. In the meantime, should anyone outside of the pack visit, I suggest you tell them it's a dislocated shoulder and a concussion. I know it will be odd for people to see him sleeping with a concussion, but just tell them I am monitoring him. That way no one will worry."

"Um, Charlie and Bella are on their way here. I, uh… didn't want to be alone…" he coughed and rubbed his eyes viciously. "Perhaps you can wait a few minutes to sedate him? Maybe a short visit with Bella will calm him."

Carlisle turned his head to study Jacob. "Perhaps it will help." He pursed his lips as if he wanted to say more, but nodded his head instead. "I will wait in the living room until they are finished."

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," Billy whispered, his eyes on his son. "Thank you…"

* * *

Bella barely managed to keep herself from leaping out of the car and sprinting into the house. Instead, she forced herself to open the car door slowly, like a normal person, and wait for Charlie to lock it up so they could make the approach together. They found Billy sitting on the front porch in his wheelchair, his face contorted in worry and pain. Charlie laid a gentle hand on his friend's shoulder. "How is Jacob?"

Billy sighed and tossed a backwards glance towards the house. "Dr. Cullen is with him now. He's trying to give him a sedative to keep him calm but Jake's all worked up about something." His glance cut to Bella. "He keeps asking about you."

A deep blush filled Bella's cheeks and she slapped her palms against them in embarrassment. "We, um… kind of had a fight at Emily's earlier." In truth, since Charlie had told her that Jacob was hurt, she'd completely forgotten about their disagreement. She groaned inwardly. _Shows how important that fight was._

Billy's incriminating gaze finally moved away from her and back towards the house. "I think he was, uh, going for a run. Fell off the path. I think Carlisle said it was a concussion and dislocated shoulder."

Bella wondered how a doctor could possibly diagnose that from someone's personal bedroom but decided it wasn't worth the effort to ask. There were just too many questions around here. She could only hope in time that she would figure out the answers and get her life back to normal….

Her thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of Sam in the doorway. He looked at Bella. "He's asking for you."

_He's asking for you._ Simple as that. She swallowed hard against the baseball sized lump that had lodged in her throat. _I'm afraid_. That was all she could think. Could he forgive her after everything she had said to him just a few hours before? For throwing Edward in his face? For dismissing his endless patience and friendship over something she couldn't even begin to understand?

* * *

Bella entered the house slowly, her body steering her while her brain had no idea where it was headed. She passed Dr. Cullen in the living room. She stopped then, leaning against the couch, her fingers fidgeting with the loose threads in the cushion. "Is he, um… is he going… Oh god!" She whispered hoarsely, her breath coming in harsh gasps. "Carlisle, what have I done?"

He crossed the room quickly, enveloping her in his frosty embrace. "It's not your fault, Bella…" Carlisle whispered. "It is only natural for you to feel upset, but you can not blame yourself for everything that happens to the people that you love." He grimaced. _If only it were that easy_.

Bella shook her head violently. "No, you don't understand! We had a fight and I was so nasty to him! He probably went for a run because of our argument! And if I hadn't been such a jerk, this never would have happened!"

Carlisle leaned out of her tight grasp, holding her by the shoulders so he could look into her face. "Do not blame yourself, Bella. Do _not_. It will not help Jacob to see you this way." He tilted up her chin, forcing her to make eye contact. "If you can not hold it together, I will not allow you into that room, do you understand me?"

She nodded meekly, roughly brushing away her tears. "O-of c-course, Dr. Cullen," she sniffed. Bella ran her hands through her hair, trying to separate the snarls and make herself a little more presentable.

Carlisle smiled at her. "Go on, now, my dear. He's waiting."

She turned her face towards his door and slowly, painfully almost, forced her feet in Jacob's direction. Her heart ached to think what lay on the other side of that thin wood door. Her heart clutched in panic, but her feet kept moving. When her hand landed on the cool brass knob, she wondered in confusion at the tight heat in her chest. With a _whoosh_ she let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding.

Before her brain could stop her, she opened the door, revealing a pale, shaking Jacob. His eyes opened to slits, and it took him a moment to process the image before him. "Beelllaaa…" he whispered softly.

"Hey Jake," she whispered back. She closed the door softly and crossed the room to him, kneeling next the bed. But when she moved her eyes up his trembling frame and looked into his face, the miniscule amount of confidence she had used to force herself to walk into the room quickly vanished. "Oh, _Jake_," she croaked out. Her eyes filled with tears again, and she stubbornly refused to let them fall. "I am _so_ sorry…"

He managed a hiss of a laugh. "Don't feel sorry, Bells," he sighed, using his good hand to reach up and tangle in her hair. "I was being stupid, not paying any attention. I shouldn't have been out so late in the woods. I know better."

"But…. you wouldn't have been out there if it wasn't for me!" Bella choked on the words, almost afraid to bring it all up again.

He stiffened slightly at the memory. "I don't know if I want to talk about that right now…" He just couldn't run of the risk of becoming angry again.

Bella sniffed against the tears and laid her forehead down on his thigh. His eyes widened as he took careful notice of how close she was to him. _Shit,_ _if I wasn't in so much damn pain this might actually be a turn on._ "So…. you're not mad anymore?" Jacob asked hesitantly, tearing his eyes away from the visual of Bella's head in his lap to focus on something more neutral… like the ceiling.

"Um… no, not mad, exactly," Bella turned her face away, mumbling into the sheet as she recalled her ridiculous behavior.

Jacob clamped his lips together and focused on his breathing. The heat of her breath spread along his thigh and he knew that he could not have picked a worse moment for Bella to remind him how sexy she was. He shifted just slightly, hoping to avoid another round vicious pain in his head, but he also needed her to move her lips somewhere other than a place 6 inches from his groin.

She looked up at him when he moved, her eyes full of concern. "Are you alright, Jake?"

He nodded and reached for her hand. "I'm just glad you're here, Bells." He was flooded with relief when she gave him a smile.

"I'm glad that Billy called," she replied, rubbing her thumb along his palm.

He hissed sharply, closing his eyes. _She had to stop doing that_. When he opened his eyes, she was staring at him, a frightened look in her eyes. "I'm fine…" he mumbled, closing his eyes again.

Bella waited until she was sure he was ok before she spoke. "Jake?" she asked cautiously.

"Yeah, honey?"

"Why…. um…" She stumbled over her words, unsure if she should even say them to begin with. Bella bit her lip angrily, silently cursing herself for not having better self control. It was stupid to think that now was a good time to ask about Seth's idiotic comments.

"You can say it, Bells," Jacob whispered, watching her face as a myriad of emotions flashed across her delicate features. He knew what she wanted to know and he wished he could answer the questions that she had. But not now. It wasn't the right time. He only hoped that he could make her see that.

She attempted a small, weak smile for him. "Why does Seth think he's a werewolf?"

He felt her gaze on him, and he didn't have to open his eyes to be aware of the heat of her question. "I told you, honey… he was being stupid. Seth has a tendency to say things that he doesn't mean and that don't make any sense to anyone but him."

She frowned at him, disappointed at the lies that so easily poured from his beautiful lips. "Jake, I may not have any memories, but that doesn't mean I was born yesterday. I know something is going on. The air is so full of secrets that there's hardly any oxygen left!" She snapped her mouth closed to stop her angry tirade from raining all over him. She sighed softly, and her thumb resumed it's gently journey across the pad of Jacob's hand. "I just… need to know that I can trust someone…"

Jacob groaned, but not from the pain of his injuries. Even without the memories, she still somehow knew the easiest way to tear down any of his resistance. "Bells…." he began, and then stopped. He almost didn't want to speak - it was easier than lying.

She watched him, waiting for his response. Then the realization hit her - he still wasn't going to tell her. The tears filled her eyes for the millionth time that day and this time, she didn't try and stop them. She raised his large hand to her lips, giving it a gentle kiss. "Goodbye, Jacob…" she whispered quietly, and before she could stop herself, she rose and walked out of the room.

The silence that slipped in the door after her was thick, and choking. He gagged on it, feeling the bile rising in his throat. He had lost another battle with her. No matter what he did, he was always defeated. The agony filled him up inside, spilling out in the form of a vicious scream. The pain overrode every nerve in his body and he screamed out his endless anguish, feeling the ache of his fractured heart as it burst into a million pieces….


	9. Getting Lost

**I meant to put more in this chapter, but once I got started, it became all about Bella. I felt like I needed to explore her angst, if you will. The italics that are margined with the rest of the writing are Bella's thoughts, in case you get confused with the "I" part, since I've been writing this story in the 3rd person.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, because if I did, I wouldn't be a school teacher. I'd be wearing clothes made out of money.**

* * *

Only with you  
What's left of me is yours to keep  
What's left of me is yours  
Breathe you in and it's all over now  
When my arms open  
Breathe you in and it's all over now  
When my arms open  
Breathe you in, I'll breathe you in  
Breathe you in, I'll breathe you in  
Breathe you in and its all over now  
When my arms open, When my arms open  
Breathe you in and its all over now  
When my arms open, When my arms open  
I'm drowning, I'm drowning, I'm drowning  
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me…

_What's Left of Me_ - blessthefall_  
_

* * *

Bella burst through the front door, her breathing ragged, hiccups interrupting the steady stream of sobs that poured from her lips. She couldn't see, couldn't breath, and she felt herself falling, tripping, as her blind feet found the edge of the front porch. She landed in the wet dirt, her elbows and knees connecting with the soft mud that had collected in the shallow depths around the house. An anguished scream echoed from inside and she felt her heart skip a beat, knowing that the pain she heard was because of her own idiocy. She pounded the damp earth, furious with herself. Her thoughts raced through her head, so quickly that she could barely understand what was running through her own brain...

_I'm lost… where is that I've been going? There's always been a direction… a purpose. It's all gone now. There's nothing left. I must have had it all figured out - right? I must have been so sure that I was making all the right choices, doing all the right things to find myself where I am now. But what do I do now that all of that has disappeared? I can't pretend like everything has changed when I know that's not the case. Just because I change my mind doesn't mean that everyone else has._

_lostlostlostlostlostlost…._

_Who said there were ever right answers? I'm so afraid that everything I've ever done is wrong._ _There's so much judgment - who's going to understand when I tell them I can't do it anymore? That I need to start all over? That I'm not ok with my life - that's it's not the life I want? Hell, I don't even understand my life, much less where to go from here. Everyone just stares, wondering when I'm going to break. Well, here you go folks - officially off the rocker!_

_Brain mush._

_There's no manual for this. No right answers. There are plenty of people, however, that feel like it's their place to make all of my decisions, tell me what to do, who to love, how to feel, who to be._

_Forget them! Screw them and their pushy arrogance._

_What did anyone else know anyway? Have they been in my brain? They couldn't have possibly known every thought I've ever had._

_I'm so stupid! What was I even thinking, coming here tonight? I can't give him what he wants. I can't even give myself what I want because I couldn't even begin to imagine what that is. There are so many expectations, so many other people to think about with each and every choice I make and I don't know enough about myself to even begin to think about other people. How can I look them in the eyes and break their hearts when they've done nothing wrong? I'm the idiot without any memories. I'm the stupid one that drove my car into a tree. I'm the one with post traumatic retrograde amnesia, or whatever the hell Dr. Cullen called it. Gibberish. Nonsense._

_Emptiness._

_Loneliness._

_Is that all that is left for me? A head empty of any memories?_

_Maybe it would have been easier for everyone if I had just never woken up. They could have buried me, mourned me, moved on. Instead, everyone's stuck, running in place with no destination in mind because I'M stuck. I'M the one that's keeping everyone here. I'M the one with no place left to go because I can't remember where I've been._

_I want to run, I want to scream, I want to fall down, all on my own. Anything to feel again - anything to not feel like a stranger in my own life. I don't want the past to dictate my future. I want it to be mine._

_MINE._

_And no one else's._

_But my insides ache with the knowledge that I'm no longer the same person. I want to cry when I look my own father and mother in the face and realize that I don't know how to love them anymore. I want to scream every time Edward looks at me with those golden eyes of his, so full of love, of pain, of wisdom, of things I don't have words for…. knowing that every piece of me is supposed to be in love with him. I can't stand that I hurt Jake - he's so open, passionate, wearing his heart on his sleeve, and I can't get passed the warmth of his body long enough to remind myself that I don't even know him anymore._

_I spend every morning staring around my room, trying to remind myself of who I used to be. My bedspread is purple - do I like the color purple? I have a camera on my desk - do I like to take pictures? I have a whole stack of CD's from bands that I can't remember, although the lines on the disc tell me that I've listened to them many times before. The dog-eared pages of the books that sit next to my bed tell me that I enjoy the classics, but I can hardly concentrate long enough to get through a chapter.  
_

_I feel like every moment is like my very first, because I have nothing else to base it on. Like a newborn… if you could call an 18 year old a newborn. I want to say that I wish could just forget, but I've already done that - it's no longer possible to wish that I could just start over, because I'm already there._

_It's almost like I have nothing left, because I don't remember ever having anything to start with._

_Nothing._

_If you could call it that._

_If "nothing" included parents, a boyfriend, a best friend, a life I don't even know. I can't appreciate what I don't understand._

_I should stop this pity party. It's almost disgusting. How anyone puts up with me I'm not even sure._

_Would it be easier to get lost? To run until there's no place left to go?_

It was with that thought that Bella blinked, and realized that she was no longer in front of the Black's house. She felt her breath, ripping in gasps from her throat. She looked down, seeing her knees covered in mud. She shook her head, not remembering getting up off the ground, much less starting to run. _Do I even run? Ever?_ Leaves filled her tangled hair, and it was then she felt the sting of the scratches that covered her arms.

She realized that she wasn't crying anymore, and reached up to touch her cheeks, sticky with sweat and dried tears. She grimaced, feeling the ache already collecting in her body, angry with herself for this stupid sudden sprint into the dark forest.

She had no idea how she had gotten here. She did not know this place.

She looked around, and the icy night surrounded her, totally and completely, it's dark fingers sliding their way down her spine, and she shivered. She hugged her arms closer to her chest, feeling stupid for running away from the house without even wearing a long sleeve shirt. _It's cold at night in Washington State, you moron,_ she chastised herself, rolling her eyes. _Too late now._

Peering around her, she discovered that she was standing along the edge of cliff, the water crashing below, and a feeling came over her that she had been there before. The water was dark, foreboding, as if the night was trying to warn against unwelcome visitors. It was a place a person could get lost in, just using their eyes. It was dangerous, foolish, to be so close to it, and she took another step. The dry dirt crumbled below her, falling swiftly down to the angry waves below her, and logic told her to move back.

She didn't.

The moon was bright above her, casting eerie shadows on the trees that enclosed her on three sides. The wind drifted through the dry leaves, and it felt like the trees were shivering too, as if they could feel the cold. The frozen air off the water blew harshly through her tattered hair, and she could hear the trees groan in protest. But this time, she didn't pull away from the pain the world around her caused - she stretched open her arms, welcoming the frosty cruelty of the night sky. Her eyes clamped shut… she didn't want to see anymore.

She wanted to force all thoughts out of her head, think of nothing but the darkness, the night, the wind, the water below her. But it was Jacob's face that found its way in. Her eyes snapped open in impatience. Could he not give her a moment's peace? Her body felt warmer just thinking of him, and it made her angry. She did not understand him, his persistence, his passion. Everything about him confused her. He made her feel things that she did not understand. She wanted him, wanted everything about him, and she knew that was not how it was supposed to be.

_I'm in love with Edward - EDWARD. Not Jacob. It's not normal to think these things about your best friend, even if he's boy… right?_

And they were both so different. Edward was conservative, eloquent, distinguished, reserved, brilliant, gorgeous, wealthy. The complete opposite of Jacob, who was reckless, passionate, warm, funny, blue collar in every sense of the word, and she got the feeling that he wasn't afraid to get dirty. _Dirty_. She felt like the word held more than one implication in Jacob's case. And he was beautiful. More than beautiful. Beautiful, like your-mouth-goes-dry-and-you-forget-to-breath beautiful.

Bella shook her head, hoping the physical movement would dismiss the russet skinned boy from her mind. And for the moment, it did, and she moved her attention back to the water. Her feet began to move over the edge of the rocks, exposing the bottoms of toes to the night air.

She should have been afraid.

But she wasn't.

Her breath caught in her throat as the wind picked up again, her arms rising, fingers spread, as if she could embrace the night itself, hold it to her body so that it would carry her away, across the water, away from this place where she didn't belong.

Where she would never belong.

She wanted to say something, just one more thing, before it was all over, but the words were frozen.

She sighed, relief flooding her. Soon, it wouldn't hurt anymore. Soon, she could be alone.

Soon.

_Soon…._


	10. Save Her

**Enjoy - And no death threats please :-D**

* * *

I see the world has folded in your heart  
I feel the waves crash down inside  
And they pull me under  
And I would give you anything you want  
You were all I wanted  
All my dreams have fallen down  
Crawlin' 'round and 'round and 'round…

Somebody save me  
Let your warm hands break right through me  
Somebody save me  
I don't care how you do it  
Just save me, save  
Come on  
I've been waiting for you…

_Save Me_ - Remy Zero

* * *

His golden eyes were fixed, focused on something in the darkness beyond the frosted glass, into the forest that only he could see. His fingers tapped the window pane, moving rhythmically as if piano keys lay there instead. He forced all thoughts out, willing his mind to be blank and empty, anything to pretend as if his whole world wasn't falling apart. It apparently wasn't working because he was consumed with thoughts of her; she filled him to the brim, and every part of him nearly vibrated with the need to be with her.

He had promised himself after the accident that he wouldn't blame Alice for not seeing it, especially because Jacob was involved, who always made things a little more confusing than necessary. But the anger was still there. Beneath the icy façade, he was still furious, and it took every bit of his 109 years of life to keep from ripping Alice's head off.

Even though logic still told him that it wasn't her fault.

It didn't change the fact that now the love of his existence had no clue who he was.

Much less _what_ he was.

And to put the icing on the cake, he knew that she didn't have the feelings for him that she thought she should have. It was beyond obvious.

She didn't _see_ him anymore. The recognition, the love, the adoration that was always so aflame in her eyes was gone. He missed seeing it there, but some broken, dead, faithless part of him was happy to see it go.

He felt like he should welcome the change. Wasn't this what he wanted? For Bella to have a chance at a real life? He had never wanted her to become like him. _A vampire._ He shuddered in disgust, hardly believing that he would have followed through with it. He hoped that he would love her enough to believe that he would have convinced her that she didn't need to _kill_ herself over him.

It felt like a constant battle. Undecided. Motivated. Certain. Unbelievable. Forgotten. Broken. Painful. Spontaneous. Joyous. He had a century of vocabulary to pull from and yet nothing could really put into words what he was feeling. What he was afraid to feel. He was on the edge a precipice, an endless cliff, and for the first time since Carlisle had turned him, he didn't know what the outcome would be. No visions of the future could help his heart prepare for the injury it was about to receive.

It was empty, useless, anyhow, to have this inner conflict. None of it matter when she had already made her choice. He didn't need Alice to know that. It was obvious in her body language. The connection between them was gone, vanished, just like her memories of their past together. Her body knew her choice was warm, not cold. Her heart knew even when her head didn't.

And he wasn't about to take that from her. He loved her enough to let her go, if that's what she needed. No matter how much it hurt him. He had survived 100 years without her - what was a 100 more?

As much as he loathed the mongrel, Jacob could give her more than he ever could. Warmth. Babies. A lifetime, rather than immortality, where they could grow and age and change. _Together._ And most importantly, the opportunity to have an afterlife, the ability to keep her soul, her purity, intact. Something that would be in impossibility if she had continued to insist that vampirism was a virtue and should be a top priority in her life.

He felt empty, vacant, knowing that this was his curse - those moments with Bella were supposed to be _his_. Jacob was going to get _his_ life with Bella… he wanted to be the one she loved, he wanted to be the one she turned to, he wanted to be the one who would father her babies, he wanted to be the one she would grow old with…

And it would never happen.

It _was_ a curse, his immortality. This was his karma, his damnation, coming back to haunt him. It was as if the heavens were using Bella to remind him that he had strayed too far from the path, so far so that he would never be allowed to return.

She was out of his reach.

He wanted to sigh, run his hands through his hair, stomp his foot, any sort of human fidget that could actually distract him from his thoughts. But there wasn't anything - he wasn't a human and hadn't been for a century.

It was a lonely place, this supernatural life he had. Never mind the family. He cared for them, but when he met Bella, he was convinced that he had finally found his mate, his partner. What he hadn't foreseen was his unwillingness to make her one of them. He had never considered that his mate would not be a vampire, and to have to consider ending someone's life, to take their soul, to make them empty, damned, forsaken…. He loved Bella too much to do that to her. She was pure, untainted, innocent, and she did not deserve to lose so much of her innate holiness because she was too blinded by love to see the truth.

_That he was a monster._

"Edward!" Alice's panicked voice crashed through his thoughts and he spun, already frantic by the fear he heard running rampant around her head. "It's Bella. We have to go. Now."

* * *

"What are we going to do, Sam?" Quil demanded, pacing back and forth across the kitchen, so distraught that he was ignoring the muffins Emily had just removed from the oven and placed on the table for the anxious wolves to enjoy. "Victoria's back, there's some crazy super strong beast vampire with her, Jake's hurt, Dr. Vamp doesn't know when he'll be better again, Bella is all messed up, no memories, I'm losing my mind here, people, someone help me out, I mean-"

"Quil." Sam cleared his throat and raised his eyebrows.

One word. That was all it took. Quil sat down and stuffed a muffin in his mouth to stop the steady stream of word vomit that was pouring from his lips.

Emrby snorted and shook his head. "Seriously?" Quil looked at him, mumbling around the muffin, and Embry took the opportunity to shove another chunk of pastry in his face, laughing, and it broke the tension in the room. Smiles appeared on the rest of the faces of the pack, followed by flying muffin crumbs as they slung insults in Quil's direction. Emily mildly chastised their adolescent behavior as she smiled and reached for the broom.

"Quil does have a point though," Leah interjected, causing seven pairs of surprised eyes to turn in her direction.

Quil's mouth dropped open. "Me?" He rubbed his face vigorously, blinked, his mouth falling open. "Me?"

She laughed at him and threw another chunk of muffin. "Don't get ahead of yourself now, assclown. But we do need to figure out what we're going to do now that we're a wolf down. Victoria has a least one helper, and dollars to donuts, she's coming back." Her eyes narrowed slightly but she managed to keep her voice neutral. "She hasn't gotten what she wants yet," she paused again, her voice almost choked. "….so we need to have a plan of action."

"Leah…" Paul drawled out, his voice oozing with fake admiration. "You actually sound like you know what you're talking about."

She glared at him and threw another piece of muffin.

"Alright, alright," Sam announced loudly, waving his hands in the air, attempting to get everyone's attention. "Jake's going to be out for a few weeks. Dr. Cullen said that it will take at least a week for his shoulder to heal and even longer for the skull fracture. If something with Victoria does come up, we need to do our best to keep it from him. He shouldn't be phasing right now - if he changes with his bones the way they are, he'll have to start from scratch when he turns back. All the healing will be entirely reversed. He's going to be drugged for a few days, so hopefully that will help. But in the meantime, we still need to think about what to do when Victoria returns."

"What about some kind of trap?" Jared suggested, brushing away the crumbs that had collected in his lap.

Sam looked thoughtful. "Ok," he said slowly. "What kind of trap?"

Jared blushed. "That's all I got."

"A Bella trap," Leah blurted out. She clapped her hand to her mouth. "I, uh - sorry!" The group looked at her quizzically. "I didn't mean a trap like, let's-get-vamp-girl-eaten, but like, really, if we, uh, used her as bait and then attacked the red-haired demon while she was distracted."

Everyone's gaze turned back to Sam, not sure whether to applaud Leah for her genius or yell at her for being, once again, an insensitive bitch.

"I think it's a good idea," Sam replied, taking his time, his brow furrowed as he considered Leah's plan.

"Good luck getting Jake to agree to that," Paul snorted, reaching into the muffin basket again. "He's so far up that Swan girl's ass, he never seems to know what day it is."

Embry punched him in the arm, causing the other boy to sway slightly in his chair. "Give him a break, asswipe. She was in a car accident. He's protective. He's… just being Jake."

"And remind me why I should care?" Paul challenged, his jaw tightening. His fist connected solidly with the table. "That leech lover has brought us nothing but trouble."

"Paul." Sam's calm voice interrupted. Paul quickly dropped his eyes back to the muffin he still held. He stuffed a piece in his mouth angrily, but didn't say another word.

It was then that the front door burst open, Seth silhouetted in the frame, his face panicked, hair wild, sticking up in all directions. His fists were clenched, and his small body, still waiting on his wolfy growth spurt, was visibly shaking. No one had even noticed he was gone. "Seth?" Quil asked, rising out his seat. "What's wrong?"

"Can't you smell it?" Seth demanded. His eyes were wide and his feet were spread, tense, like he was ready to run right back out the door.

"Smell what?" Embry replied, confused as everyone else. "I smell muffins."

Sam closed his eyes, inhaling. His lids snapped back open. "Shit!" he announced, scrambling out his seat, sending his chair crashing into the floor as he dove in Seth's direction. "Vamp! Now!"

* * *

The wind swirled around her, and she felt it call to her, tugging on the strings of her heart, of her fingertips, drawing out her body heat and leaving numbness in its wake.

She leaned closer to the edge.

It would be so easy, to just let go. To be free.

Everything hurt. Her head, her heart, every cell, sinew, muscle, hair on her body, ached. Her body begged for something, anything, that was real and true and honest. The lies were overwhelming, trapping her mind in a place that she didn't understand, that she couldn't believe in. She was tired. Tired of the amnesia, tired of Edward, tired of Jacob, tired of the pain. She wished that will alone could bring her memories back, but apparently it didn't work that way.

Bella heard howling in the distance, and she forced the sound away, out of her mind. The sound should have made her nervous, but it didn't. Her brow furrowed, eyes still closed. Perhaps she should have been disturbed for her lack of concern for the situation - nighttime, wolves, the cliff, and her all alone… but the feelings never came. All she felt was pain, hollowed, flaming agony, throbbing through every vein, pulsing with each beat of her heart until she felt like the ache would simply swallow her whole.

She pushed away the distracting thoughts, once more clearing her mind.

Bella focused once again on the night, reopening her eyes. The moon was bright, like delicate crystal, casting unequal shadows across the forest. Clouds drifted towards her, and she prayed that they wouldn't surround her, take away the only light the night could give. She wanted to cry as the blackness reappeared, and she felt more alone than ever.

She sat down then, her legs dangling over the edge. Her arms were clasped tightly around her chest, and she fought against the tears that hung hot in her eyes. She bit her tongue fiercely, refusing to cry, refusing to break down anymore.

Bella wanted to go, wanted to run. She didn't want to be _here_ anymore.

Not just Forks. Not just La Push. Not just Washington. _Anywhere else._

It was all too much, too much.

She brought her cold fingers to her temples, rubbing slightly, wincing at the ache that was buried there. She was so stupid, so idiotic and she was angry at the ridiculous choices that she somehow found herself making over and over again.

Bella stood then, determined. She wanted it all to be over. The torture had to end; it needed to end. Now.

She brought herself back to the edge, stretching out her arms once more. She closed her eyes, afraid to look anymore, too terrified that if she opened them, she would actually be able to witness the last moments of her life.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…."

A smooth, velvet voice interrupted Bella's thoughts, her private thoughts. She tried to ignore it, focusing her attention on the night, the wind, the water. This was her moment. Who was ruining it?

She turned then, and came face to face with a blond, pale man. She studied him, confused. He was tall, lean but muscled, and his eyes were dark, and if she hadn't known better, she could have sworn they were… _red_. He looked familiar, but she knew that she had never met him before, despite the memory loss. He just looked… like someone. "Who are you?"

He smiled, and his teeth shone in the moonlight. White. Brilliant. Frightening. "I came to get you."

Her eyes narrowed and for the first time since she'd left the Black's, she felt her heart clutch in fear. She couldn't speak. There were no words for the horror that was slowly filling up every crack and crevice in her body.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be MY choice._

His smiled widened, and he looked wicked, venomous. "I like that you're afraid," he whispered, licking his lips. "It smells so strong, so sweet, I can almost taste it."

She swallowed hard and fought the urge to scream like a child. She would _not_ be afraid of him. She would not let him have this night, this moment. She turned around again, giving him her back, her eyes once again on the water.

Bella heard him move behind her. She waited to feel his body heat as he came closer, but the warmth never came. Feeling the small hairs on her neck prickle in fear, she whirled and gasped when she realized he was only inches away, his smile sharp and evil.

She would have stepped back, away from him, if she hadn't already been so close to the edge. She never saw him move, didn't see him coming, but he was there already, snatching her up in his stone arms, as if to carry her away with him. She screamed, struggling against his iron embrace, but it wasn't enough.

He was on her before she could blink, and then it all fell away, and she slid into oblivion. "Jacob…" she whispered, her last gasp, her last grip on reality, unconsciousness happening so quickly she wasn't even sure it was real, and she forgot to be afraid.

_He was all she ever wanted._


	11. Bella Dreams of Jacob

**The italics in this chapter are dreams, not necessarily visions of the future. They only contain what Bella knows about Jacob, so there's nothing supernatural in them.**

**But don't get too excited about what this means - Chapter 12 is dreams about Edward (don't hate!)**

**Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own any of these characters. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, I would be swimming in a pool lined with gold. Thanks.**

* * *

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
Be running up that building,  
If I only could, oh...

_Running Up That Hill_ - Placebo

* * *

She felt the darkness recede, just enough, to realize that she was no longer outside. And from the feel of the air around her, she wasn't in La Push anymore, much less Forks.

At first, the only thing Bella knew was that she was in pain. Then her brain registered the aches and she groaned, softly, almost afraid someone would hear her. _Well,_ she thought, _maybe this means I'm not dead._

"Jake?" She heard herself whispering. "Jake?"

She heard the shuffling of feet and she struggled to open her eyes, though they felt heavy and her tongue was thick and seemed stuck to the roof of her mouth.

Finally, she was able to peel her eyelids back and she looked around, very slowly. It was dark, and there was barely any light in the room, the only glow coming from what she assumed was the moon that still hung overhead. The walls were cement, unfinished. Broken ceiling tiles were scattered in the corners, and she started to wonder if she was in a construction site. But the ache in between her ears interrupted her thoughts. She groaned again. Even her eyeballs hurt. They slid shut again, and Bella did not attempt to stop them.

"Hello, my dear," a voice hissed, filled with mock comfort. It was a woman's voice, but deep and sultry, as if in some way, it was attempting to seduce her with false hope. "How are you feeling?"

Bella grunted in response, her facial muscles tensed and she didn't open her eyes again. She was afraid if she did that she might see the face that belonged to the voice, and the knots in her stomach told her that it was not something she wanted to look at.

"Aww," the voice clucked scornfully. "Does your head hurt?" Bella felt icy fingers trace hollow lines across the left side of her face. "Go back to sleep, little one," She sneered quietly, her lips aligned with Bella's ear. "The pain will begin soon enough."

_

* * *

_

Jacob nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a knock on his bedroom door. Bella peeked in at him with a smile, laughing at the expression on his face. "Did I scare you?" she teased, joining him on the bed.

_He shook his head playfully, sticking out his tongue. "Where's my present?"_

_She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Present? Why should I have bought you a present?"_

_He growled, reaching over with both hands to pin her shoulders to the bed, rolling his large body over hers. "It's my birthday, woman. I want presents."_

_Bella nodded slowly, pulling his face towards hers. He tried to keep his mean expression, but she smiled at him, and he couldn't stop the silly grin that appeared on his face. "Mm hmm," She mumbled against his soft lips, kissing him gently. "And what are you going to do about it?"_

_He shrugged helplessly, totally dominated by the tiny girl that lay beneath him. But instead of thinking, he leaned into her kiss. "I'm sure I'll think of something," he murmured appreciatively into her mouth, pressing his hips more firmly into hers._

_She laughed at him, giving him a gentle swat on the shoulder, pushing his upper body out of her way as she moved from the bed and stood. His lower lip appeared and he pouted, disappointed that they wouldn't be spending the evening in that particular position. She ignored him, and grabbed his hand, pulling him in the direction of the front door. "Come on!" she commanded. "Let's go!"_

_He let her drag him outside and he amicably climbed in her truck. She didn't say much during the drive, and he watched her as the light from the street lamps cast shadows across her face. He had always known that he loved her, but it surprised him everyday just how much, and he told her so._

_She blushed of course, an adorable pink in the moonlight. She didn't respond to his comment, but simply shifted the car into park and turned off the engine. She slid her keys out of ignition and turned to Jacob. "We're here."_

_Jacob looked at her, confused. "We're at the beach."_

_Bella slowly nodded. "Yeah... thanks for pointing out the obvious." She opened her door and gestured towards the water. "Come on!"_

_He stared at her some more. "But it's cold."_

_She rolled her eyes. "That's why I told you to bring a jacket." She raised an eyebrow at him. "Did you bring a jacket?"_

_"Yeah..." Jacob replied, looking at the coat he held in his hand like he wasn't sure what to do with it._

_Bella rolled her eyes again and shut the door. "I'm going to be out here waiting for you when you decide to get your pansy ass out of the car!" She yelled through the glass._

_Jacob sat there for a moment and watch her disappear around a sand dune. He pouted for a moment. "But it's cold..." he whispered to himself. But then he realized she wasn't coming back, so he sighed and slid his arms inside his jacket, opened the door and headed towards the water._

_As he circled around the sand dune, he stopped short when he saw Bella standing next to a telescope, smiling at him. Next to her feet was a picnic basket and a load of fire wood._

_"What's this?" He asked, pulling her close to him. "Hmm?" He gave her a small kiss, drawing her into his body to protect her from the cold._

_She smiled and pointed to the telescope, already shivering in the cold January air. "Happy birthday."_

_He looked at it curiously. "You got me a telescope?" He tried to hide the confusion in his voice but he knew he didn't succeed._

_She laughed and gave him a light slap on the shoulder. "Look in the lens, silly."_

_He leaned over and placed one eye over the lens. When he finally focused, he drew in a sharp breath. "It's beautiful," he whispered. He was amazed at the dazzling bright star he was staring at. He stood up right and pulled her into his arms again. "It's beautiful, Bells."_

_She leaned back and smiled at him, the light in her eyes dancing mischievously. "It's yours."_

_He stared at her, drawing his thick dark brows together, confused. "It's mine?"_

_She nodded, blushing and pointed towards a large cluster of stars. "See that? That's-"_

"_Canus Major," Jacob interrupted. "Greater dog."_

_She nodded again and her arm moved as her fingers identified the different objects. "There's Sirius, there's Murzim. Look to the left there… that star. That star is now named_ _hac'h shí pa…"_

_His mouth fell open and he stared at her. She noticed his eyes and she blushed again. She turned to cuddle into the broad expanse of his chest, keeping her eyes locked into his. "Beautiful black…" she translated softly. She leaned down and picked up a framed certificate. "It's all right here."_

_Jacob continued to stared at her, his mouth hanging open. "You bought me a star? In Canus Major?" He whispered. Her face felt like it was in a constant state of embarrassed pink. He gently took her reddened cheeks between his palms. "What made you pick that constellation?" he asked softly, rubbing the side of her face with his thumbs._

_She smiled, shrugged, and leaned into his touch, allowing herself to practically drown inside his large hands. "It just seemed like… the place in the sky where you belonged. That when I looked there… I found you."_

_He shook his head slowly, then smiled and leaned down to rest his chin softly on the top of her head. "Thank you," he whispered. He kissed her then, a slow, soft, gentle and senuous kiss... one full of all the emotions that they felt and couldn't find the words that fit. Her scent intoxicated him, and his heart beat so loud that it drowned out the crashing of the waves. She felt his tongue drift into her mouth and she moaned into his lips, amazed at what just his mouth could do to her._

_Breathless and trembling, Bella pulled away slightly, her lips swollen and wet. Jacob's eyes were glazed over and she was excited by the dark, hungry look in his eyes. "I'm... glad you like it," she managed to finally say._

_He laughed, and it was deep and husky. "I like you best." He gave her a light kiss on the nose and rubbed her shoulders as she shivered. He looked down and noticed the other items near them. He inhaled loudly, and then gestured at the basket. "What's in there?"_

_She laughed and leaned down to open it. "Well..." she said, beginning to lift things out. "I've got fruit... cheese... Some smoked salmon… bread... and some wine." She held it in the air, a devilish look on her face. "I figured you would be hungry. And then I was hoping to ply you with alcohol and take off your clothes."_

_He blinked, his eyes wide and innocent. "I have no clue where you would get the idea that I would enjoy any of those things."_

_She laughed again and began to spread the items out on the blanket she had brought. Jacob placed the stack of wood into the fire pit, quickly setting it ablaze to keep them warm while Bella opened the containers and prepared the rest of the food._

_Jacob then opened the wine, dug out the glasses and poured them each a small amount. "So here's a toast..." he said softly, raising his glass towards her. She lifted hers in response. "To us..." he whispered gently, gazing into her eyes._

_"To us..." she repeated, taking sip. "I think I like that one."_

* * *

"Wake up, sweet Miss Bella," the voice taunted as bucket of cold water was thrown across her face. "Time to get up! I'm hungry…" The words trailed off into sick laughter and Bella winced, but still refused to open her eyes.

"Is she awake?" It was a man's voice this time, and she was almost certain it was the voice of the man that she had met on the cliff.

"Yes…" the female sneered. Bella flinched as a pair a steel fingers grasped her chin, pinching it between a thumb and forefinger. "But I think she's afraid." The tone was condescending, disdainful.

"Open your eyes." She demanded. Bella was frozen, the horror making it impossible to move. "Open your eyes, bitch!" The pinch on her chin turned to a slap, and Bella gasped, the sharp sting of her now pink cheek causing her eyes to fall open involuntarily. "Ahh, that got your attention."

Bella's vision was blurred, but she could make out two figures - man and woman. The blond… and a red head. "What… do you… waaant?" Bella finally managed to slur, and the movement of her jaw caused the ache in her head to grow exponentially.

"Such asinine questions," the female drawled. "Always the same. _Who are you? What do you want?_" She sighed and shook her head, making _tsking_ noises in her throat. "I thought we were beyond that." She crouched down next to Bella, cocking her head to the side, causing her rich red curls to fall from her shoulders, blocking the view of the world beyond her body. "How's Edward?"

Bella blinked, confused. "Edward?"

The woman smiled a cruel smile. "Yes, Edward. Do I need to spell it out for you?"

"I… I don't think I understand. What does my boyfriend have to do with this?"

The woman laughed then. "I didn't believe the stories but now I see that it's true." She shook her head slowly, still surprised. "You really don't remember me?"

Bella studied her. She was tall, slender, with bright eyes and her skin was pale, like porcelain. It felt like a trick and she didn't know how to answer. Did she tell the truth, say no? Would the woman strike out, think that she was lying? Or did she pretend that she did know - would that help?

"I'm talking to you, Isabella! Fucking answer me!" She was in a frenzy now, enraged by the lack of response, and her fury made her skin tremble violently. She lashed out, her fist connecting with Bella's temple.

Bella cried out, the pain creating bright flashes of light in front of her eyes. It was agonizing, and it spread across her forehead like flames, ricocheting around her brain, echoing into the far corners of her body, finally claiming even her fingertips and toes. She screamed then, over and over and over, until the darkness claimed her once again.

_

* * *

_

Bella stared at the stick in her hand, watching it as it shook from the deep sense of nervousness that filled her. The seconds ticked by and she watched in disbelief as the stick slowly turned pink.

_She stared at it some more, then grabbed the box, reading frantically for confirmation of what she already knew was true._

_She rushed out of the tiny bathroom, running quickly through their small home, screaming his name. She found him out in the backyard, by the grill, where she should have known he would be, and had all but forgotten in her excitement. Flying through the open patio door, she screeched to a halt in front of him._

"_Jake!" she said urgently. He nodded at her absentmindedly, fiddling with the steaks that were in front of him. "Jake!" she repeated. She jumped up and down, carefully keeping the stick hidden behind her back._

_Finally, he looked up at her. "What's up, babe?" He said lightly, not noticing the excitement that was evident on her face. "How do you want your steak cooked? Oh, and I got a new wine that should be great with these. It's supposed to be good with these herbs that you used as a rub."_

_She rolled her eyes in amusement, not surprised that he was so blind to her at that moment. "I don't think I should be drinking wine."_

"_Oh," he said quietly, looking almost disappointed. He turned away, as if to hide his reaction, focusing his attention back on the steaks. "Ok, well, we've got other stuff. I guess that would be good too."_

_She laughed out loud this time. "Jake! You're not listening to me! Put down that fork thing and look at me!"_

_The corners of his mouth turned up and he willingly obliged his wife. "Ok, I give. What's up?"_

_She held out the stick, waving it in his face. "Look at the stick, silly! That's what I've been trying to tell you."_

"_What is this?" He said, staring at it with a confused look on his face. "Should I want to look at this?"_

_She smacked her forehead. "Geez, you are so dense sometimes that I think I married Quil." He glared at her and opened his mouth to say something but she managed to cut him off. "I'm pregnant, Jake!" His mouth dropped open again and he could only stare at her. She giggled and laid a hand on her stomach. "I'm having a baby… our baby."_

_The grin started small, but soon spread so far across his face that she thought he was going to crack. "Oh my God!" he cried, springing forward and taking her into his arms. He picked her up around the waist, spinning them around in circles. He laughed joyously, and she found it impossible to not join in…._

* * *

The aching in her head finally fractured her dreams as a cold hand gripped hers. Bella felt the hand as shook slightly. _Nervousness? Excitement?_ Bella didn't know. "I've waited long enough…." It was the woman again. The anger had lessened, it was no longer so obvious in her voice, but it was still there, just less vibrant. "I'm so hungry," she whispered, desire soaking her words. "So hungry…"

The pain was different this time, as something sharp dug into her wrist. She could finally open her eyes, and she saw the red head, seated next to her on the floor. Bella's eyes focused slightly, the burning in her wrist forcing the fog of her mind back, clearing her vision.

Her nails, long and sharp, had implanted themselves in Bella's soft skin, on either side of the vein. "What do you want?" Bella gasped, watching as the blood poured out of her body. She followed the movement of the drops as they vanished into a silver goblet that was waiting to catch the liquid as it fell. The nails slipped further into her skin, pulling another sob from Bella's lips.

Satisfied at the amount of pain she had just created, the red head slid her nails out of her victim's wrist, and keeping her crimson eyes on Bella's, she brought her blood soaked fingers to her lips, suckling them, draining each drop of the red liquid from the creases in her skin. Her smile was wicked and dangerous, and Bella stared as she brought the cup to her lips. "You, Bella," she whispered fiercely. "I want you… every drop."

_Bella awoke that morning smiling as it dawned on her what day it was. Slowly she opened her eyes to the sunshine that came in through their bedroom's small window and was pleased to see a bright blue sky – perfect morning for anniversaries._

_She extended her hand to her left, expecting to find her sleeping husbands' body, but was surprised to find nothing but an empty cool sheet. She turned over and saw that his side of the bed was vacant. Looking up, she noticed the bathroom was too. The digital clock next to their bed indicated it was only 6:15, and she noted that it was unusually early for him to be already out of the bedroom._

_Bella shrugged into the soft green robe that Jake had bought her for Christmas and wondered downstairs, expecting to find him in the kitchen. But it was empty there too. She sighed and decided to go wake Ephraim, and hoped that maybe Jake was out to get her something nice for breakfast. As she turned to leave the kitchen, she noticed a note on the counter._

_B –_

_Had to go in early. Hope to not be too late._

_- J_

_She struggled against the tears that threatened to boil over. She couldn't believe after all these years that he had actually forgotten. Rubbing her forehead, she tried to think of all the reasons that today would have been like any other day for him. She knew that he had been working too many hours at Wolfman Garage since he and Sam had expanded the business to include a franchise in Seattle, but was it too much to ask for him to remember their anniversary?_

"_Mommy? Why are you crying?"_

_Bella looked down at her 7 year old son and tried to think of answer, but the only thing that would come to mind was, "I stubbed my toe on the corner, sweetheart."_

_Ephraim studied her with his deep brown eyes – eyes that reminded her of his fathers' – with such intensity that she hoped that he wouldn't realize that she was lying. But then he said, "Can I have some cereal?"_

"_Sure, baby," she smiled. She crossed to the cabinets, pulled out a box of Cheerios and then grabbed him a bowl._

_As she placed his breakfast in front of him, Ephraim looked up at her with a concerned expression on his face. "You know, Mom, you shouldn't call me baby anymore."_

_She smiled at him, raising an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? And why is that?"_

"_Because I'm not a baby anymore," he frowned at her seriously. "I'm almost seven years old Mom. Seven is not a baby."_

"_Well, I guess you're right about that," She replied, laughing a little at the earnestness of her young son. "What should I call you then?"_

_His brows furrowed and he looked into his cereal as he thought of answer. Then his face brightened and he grinned. "You could call me R2D2. I like that name."_

_Bella rolled her eyes and groaned. "I think you've been spending too much time with Uncle Seth."_

_She watched him as he finished eating, barely able to listen as he babbled incessantly about something that had happened at school the previous day. She was practically a zombie as she showered, dressed, and drove Ephraim to school. She was on auto-pilot, not registering her own movements._

_Bella suddenly found herself sitting at her desk, staring at a photo of Jake and Ephraim on their last vacation. It was taken while they were in Disneyland, after Ephraim had insisted that they ride "Pirates of the Caribbean" six times because he liked pretending to shoot at the pirates, no matter how Bella had admonished him, making loud bang noises while doing so. He and Jake were grinning, wearing the silly mouse ears that Ephraim had also insisted upon. They looked so wonderful together and it never ceased to amaze her how much Ephraim was taking after his father._

_He had Jake's black hair, russet skin, and a smirk that appeared whenever he felt he had his own private joke that he couldn't share with the rest of the world. He brooded in his own seven year old way when something went wrong, and he didn't always like talking when he was upset. But he was polite, chivalrous and the smartest boy in his class. He, like his father, enjoyed the outdoors and often talked about what items he would find or the animals he would see when he was playing outside or following his dad around on long hikes. She loved him more then she thought she could ever love anyone and she couldn't have been more proud of the person he was becoming._

_Her thoughts of her husband and son were interrupted by a knock on the door. "Uh, come in!" she called out, clearing her throat and shuffling papers on her desk, trying to appear like she hadn't just been day dreaming. She glanced at the clock and almost choked - she'd been awake for five hours and had barely noticed as the time drifted by. She had accomplished nothing so far._

"_Um, Donald asked me to bring you these files from the Vancouver office. They want to open the new restaurant soon and wanted someone to look over things, make sure everything's kosher before they start scouting locations." Her secretary, Lydia, said, as she handed her a stack of files._

"_Sure," Bella replied, taking them. She flipped one open and began glancing at it. "Thanks, Lydia."_

"_Um," Lydia mumbled. She stood in the doorway, staring at her feet as she shifted her weight between them._

_Bella looked back up at her. "Something wrong?"_

"_Well, I don't know if this is my business, but I know it's your tenth wedding anniversary and I just wanted to say congratulations." She looked down at the carpet then back up at Bella. "I'm happy for you."_

"_How did you know it was my anniversary?"_

_Lydia blushed. "I saw it in your date book when I was making appointments for this week. I didn't mean to intrude. I just think a successful marriage is such a great thing. I think Jacob and Ephraim are amazing."_

_Bella managed what appeared to be a sincere smile, all the while stuffing down the resentment she currently felt for her husband at the moment. "Thanks Lydia. That's really sweet of you."_

_After her secretary left, Bella tried to read the files she had received, but gave up as she noticed that she had read the same paragraph four times. She snapped the file closed and sighed. She loved her job – at Riegal Industries she helped coordinate work for several popular and high powered chefs on the west coast, which included restaurant openings and public appearances. This way, she was able to be involved in the restaurant world without the stress of actually being a chef or entrepreneur. She was able to attend shows and openings in LA, San Francisco, and Vancouver._

_Sometimes she worked from home, and other times she worked out of the office at of one Riegal's catering companies in Port Angeles, which allowed her to be home for every important family event. She couldn't be happier with what she was doing, but at the moment she also knew she wasn't getting anything done._

_So she rose from her desk, stuffed the files in her briefcase and headed for the only place she knew she would find solace at that moment._

_Bella drove mechanically, stopping at red lights, slowing around curves, but not really participating as her car carried her away, and she was desperate for the comfort she hoped to find in their special spot._

_She pulled into a familiar parking spot and sat in the drivers' seat of her old red truck for a moment, letting the afternoon sun wash over her. There was something about this beach that just seemed to put her life in prospective. She knew that living by the water had been a blessing that many people never got to experience and she was glad for it._

_She put the car into park, then tossed aside her blazer and heels. Her toes sunk into the warm, soft sand and the crashing waves instantly relaxed her. She adjusted her sunglasses and stared into the water. It was its usual dark blue green color and the seagulls soared overhead, squawking their song of the sea and she smiled at the serenity. Turning her gaze to her destination, their piece of driftwood, their slice of heaven, half buried in the sand, her mood was instantly muted. There was someone already there._

_Her feet carried her slowly to it, her heart sinking lower in her chest. She felt like crying – she had been so happy to be there and knowing that she wasn't going to be able to sit there and enjoy the day just took all the wind out of her sails. She sighed and figured that it was just her luck – first, her husband forgot their tenth wedding anniversary and now someone had taken over her special piece of driftwood._

_Bella was about to turn around and go back to the car when the stranger turned and smiled at her. Her jaw dropped and she couldn't believe what she was seeing. "Jake?"_

_He smiled at her then, his white teeth gleaming against the sweet darkness of his skin, and he slowly pulled one hand from behind his back, revealing an armful of red and white roses. "Happy Anniversary!" he called out to her softly._

_A slow grin spread across her face and she jogged across the sand to him, running the final 20 feet and throwing herself into his arms. She pressed her lips to his urgently and he kissed her back wholeheartedly. He reached his arms around her, scooping her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist. She gasped into his mouth, and he tightened his grip on her hips. "I love you," he whispered, his lips moving softly against hers. The sparks hadn't faded in ten years and both of them knew they never would…_

* * *

Bella heard voices then, loud and clear, and she that these sounds weren't coming from her head. She managed to keep still, struggling to keep from groaning in agony at the deep ache hammering in her temples. She didn't want them to know she was awake - desperately wanting to avoid a repeat of the blood drinking. Her wrist was throbbing still, and she twisted it very slightly - it still hurt too, but felt like it had at least stopped bleeding.

"What are you doing? Why don't you just bite her and get it over with?" It was the man again. He sounded nervous. _Bite?_ The word rolled around in her head uneasily and it made the knots in her stomach tighten.

Bella heard a loud huff, and she could almost imagine the woman's face screwed up in a vicious scowl. "That's not the point. I don't _want_ to turn her, you moron."

The man sighed, sounding resigned. "Then what _is_ the plan? I'm the one who took all the risks here. I'd like to know what's going on."

"I want her blood. I'm not going to deny myself that," Her pitch was wicked, dark, acerbic, and her tone was laced with a hollow smile. "But I don't want to turn her, or kill her, at least not yet. He's going to come for her. And when he does, I want him to be watching when I slaughter the woman that he loves."


	12. Bella Dreams of Edward

Reminder: The italics here are Bella's dreams while she's being held captive. They are based on the Edward she currently knows, so it does not include any supernatural elements because she hasn't remembered yet that he is a vampire. THEY ARE JUST DREAMS - NOT PREMONITIONS.

Remember! This is a J/B fic, so please no hate! Especially because the wedding scene is rather close to my heart. My husband and I wrote a large portion of our marriage ceremony, and this includes most of it – so please be gentle on it!

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. SM does. Unfortunately.

* * *

He put it on me, I put it on,  
Like there was nothing wrong  
It didn't fit, it wasn't right.  
Wasn't just the size  
They say you know, when you know  
I don't know..  
I didn't feel the fairytale feeling, no  
Am I a stupid girl  
For even dreaming that I could…?

_Not Like the Movies_ - Katy Perry

_

* * *

_

She was wearing white, her face gently covered by the veil she wore. The lights of the candles around them danced across the satin of her dress, catching the lace and bead work of the gown, surrounding her in an angelic glow. She smiled at him through the gauzy fabric, her heart so full it felt like it would burst. He smiled back at her, and she knew that finally – everything would be alright. They would be together now – forever.

_They turned together, facing the minister that stood in front of them. They clasped hands lightly, and the minister slowly opened the leather bound book that he held. Taking a deep breath, he began: _

"_Good evening, and welcome to the ceremony that will unite Edward and Isabella in marriage. We gather here today to celebrate their union, and to honor their commitment to not just gazing at one another, but to looking outward together in the same direction. Today Edward and Isabella proclaim their love to the world, and we rejoice with and for them__."_

_His words echoed around the chapel, the honesty of his words settling into her bones. She could feel the love in the room, and she reveled in it. She had waited for this day for as long as she could remember – and here he was, standing next to her. In a few moments, he would be her husband._

_The minister smiled again at them and continued. "May it be in extreme thoughtfulness and reverence, and in dependence upon divine guidance, that you enter now into this sacred relationship. Being assured that your love and your choice of each other as lifelong companions is a part of your spiritual futures and that you have your families' blessings, I now ask: Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"_

_She heard her father clear his throat, and she turned to smile at him. Charlie returned it, and it was shaky at best, but she still saw the love that filled it. "I love you, Dad," she mouthed to him. He nodded back at her, and she saw as he tried to hide the stray tear that had escaped down his cheek. "I do," Charlie finally stated, his eyes never leaving hers. _

_She felt a gentle squeeze against her hands and she turned back to her groom, and she found that he was smiling at her too. _

_The minister waited for a moment to allow the moment to complete itself before continuing. He moved his eyes from the couple in front of him to the small audience beyond them. "In marriage, we give ourselves freely and generously into the hands of the one we love, and in doing so, each of us receives the love and trust of the other as our most precious gift. But even as that gift is shared by two people who are in love, it also touches the friends and family members who in various ways support and contribute to the relationship. All of you are Edward and Isabella's community, and each of you has played some part in bringing them to this moment. This is why gathering as a community is such an important part of a wedding ceremony. Edward and Isabella are now taking a new form as a married couple, and in this form, they become part of their community in a new way." He paused in his speech them, his gaze moving to the front row._

_Everyone watched as Alice stood, smoothed her skirt and moved to a small pulpit to the left of the couple. She opened her mouth, and in her light, lilting voice, read: _

_Love me because I try to touch life  
within the framework of  
uncertainty  
love me in the shadows  
in decisions as I strive to gain  
knowledge  
love me in the silence of my hurts  
and the noise of my  
confusions  
love me for the feeling of my heart  
not the fears of my mind  
love me in my search for truth  
though I may stumble upon  
fallacy  
love me as I pursue my dreams  
sometimes retarded by illusions  
love me as I grow to know myself  
even during the times of  
stagnation  
love me because I seek harmony  
not man's discord  
love me for my body that I wish to  
share with affection,  
wrapping you in warmth  
love me because we are different  
because we are the same  
love me that our time together will  
be spent in growing, kindling  
the world with understanding  
love me not with expectations  
but with hope  
I will love you the same.  
- Walter Rinder_

_Alice's voice caught at the last line and she paused to wipe her eyes. When she finished, her eyes shone with unshed tears. She managed a smile and her walk back to the pew was still surprisingly graceful despite the amount of emotion she carried with her. Jasper slid a careful arm around her shoulder as she sat back down, and she leaned her head against his, sniffing back the tears against the silk of his shirt._

_Bella was overwhelmed by the display of love by her best friend and future sister in law. She knew that poem had been a perfect choice to describe how she felt about Edward. The pressure of his hands on hers said that he felt the same way. _

"_This kind of love enriches each part of life and marriage enriches love. Two lives, shared with this kind of love, can hold more fulfillment and happiness than either life alone. Edward and Isabella, we are here to remember and rejoice with you and to recount with one another that it is love that guides us on our path, and to celebrate as you begin this journey together. It is in this spirit that you have come here to today to exchange these vows. Please face one another." They turned together and for the first time since she had joined him at the altar, her eyes found his and she was overjoyed at the abundance of love she found in them. His eyes told her everything she needed to know – that he loved her, that he was there for her, and always would be. The smiles they wore had grown exponentially since they'd first reached each other at the altar and Bella was almost afraid her face would crack with joy. "Edward, are you ready to enter into this marriage with Isabella, believing the love you share and your faith in each other will endure all things?" The minister finished._

_Edward's smile was huge, victorious. "I am."_

_The minister turned to Bella. "Isabella, are ready to enter into this marriage with Edward, believing that the love you share and your faith in each other will endure all things?"_

"_I am," She responded without hesitation. She felt his hand tighten around hers and she felt comfort in his love. They were here together – finally._

"_Edward, please repeat after me: _

_I, Edward, take you, Isabella, to be my wife  
I promise above all else to live in truth with you  
and to communicate fully and fearlessly  
I give you my hand and my heart  
as a sanctuary of warmth and peace  
and pledge my love, devotion, faith and honor  
as I join my life to yours."_

_Edward more than happily complied, his eyes never leaving hers as he repeated the mantra that would join them together for the rest of their lives. When he finished, __he smiled at her, rubbing his thumbs gently over the top of her hands. She had promised herself that she wouldn't cry, but felt the tears welling up in her eyes as he said those loving words._

_The minister then turned to her. "Isabella_,_ repeat after me:_

_I, Isabella, take you, Edward, to be my husband  
I promise above all else to live in truth with you  
and to communicate fully and fearlessly  
I give you my hand and my heart  
as a sanctuary of warmth and peace  
and pledge my love, devotion, faith and honor  
as I join my life to yours."_

_Her voice trembled as she spoke, and she struggled to keep from throwing her arms around him right then. Her voice caught when she noticed the tears forming in his eyes, and knew full well what he was feeling right then._

"_Now," the minister continued. "You wish to speak personal vows. Edward, please begin."_

_Edward took a deep breath, and she could feel the love, the joy, radiating out of him. "There was darkness for a long time and then there was light, and that light was you. Your love has given me wings, and our journey begins today. I have dreamt my whole life of having someone as wonderful as you to love me in this way. I give myself to you as a man, and I promise to treasure for all of my days the love we now celebrate. Let us bring together our lives and find ourselves anew each day. I know as we read our vows, I will continue to love you forever, beyond the bounds of human existence, time, and space. I pledge before this assembled company to be your husband from this day forward. Let us make of our two lives one life. I want you for today, tomorrow, and forever."_

_They were the most beautiful words she had ever heard in her life. And to know that he was the one saying them made it even more wonderful. "Edward… You were there for me when I couldn't even believe in myself. I'm not perfect, and never will be – but you have made me realize that it's ok – because I'm perfect for you. You are my shining star – an example of how beautiful love can be. Even when I was lost, you were there to remind me that I can keep going, and that I can be strong. To not be with you would to be without a part of myself. I have loved you my whole life – even before I met you. Before then, I was simply loving the idea of you – even though I didn't know it yet. Every step I take has been to reach this part of my journey with you – and now I know that every future step will be taken with you by my side. I thank God everyday for allowing such a blessing in my life. Thank you for loving me as I am – there could never be anything more powerful then that."_

_For everyone witnessing, the love overflowed, coating the room in its' endless and beautiful rapture. There had never been a doubt that it was always the two of them and nothing could separate what something far more powerful had created._

_The minister turned to Edward. "Are there rings?"_

"_Yes," Edward replied softly. He gently let go of Bella's hands and reached into the pocket of his dark wool tux jacket. He placed them gently in the minister's palm. "For thousands of years lovers have exchanged rings as a token of their vows. These simple gold bands are not of great value in themselves, but are made precious by our wearing of them. Your rings say that even in your uniqueness you have chosen to be bound together. Let these rings also be a sign that love has substance as well as soul, a present as well as a past, and that, despite its occasional sorrows, love is a circle of happiness, wonder, and delight."_

_He paused and handed a ring to Edward. "Edward, take Isabella's ring and put it on her finger, and repeat after me: With this ring I take you to be my trusted confidante and partner for life." _

_Repeating after the minister, Edward said softly, "With this ring I take you to be my trusted confidante and partner for life." He smiled at her again, glowing in the happiness of the moment, slowly sliding it onto the ring finger of her left hand._

_Now it was Bella's turn. "Isabella, take Edward's ring and put it on his finger, and repeat after me: With this ring I take you to be my trusted confidante and partner for life." She did, with a voice full of tremors and love, and she just barely finished as the unshed tears overflowed and spilled down the porcelain of her cheeks. _

_The couple received another smile from the minister. He laid his hands gently on their shoulders and said, "Edward and Isabella, although I'm officiating here today, it is not truly in my power to sanctify, legitimize or bless your relationship in any way, because the two of you have already done that in your hearts. So, by joining hands right now and looking into each other's eyes, let it be known that you are joined, body and soul in this lifetime, and that this bond is sacred and eternal. __As God has joined this couple together in His covenant of marriage through this community of faith, will you encourage and support them in their usefulness in God's kingdom? Will you stand by them in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, and be true and loyal to God in support of this covenant relationship, so long as they both shall live? If so answer, 'We will'."_

"_We will," came the resounding answer. It echoed off the wood beams and glass windows of the building, coming to rest in the already overflowing hearts of the couple standing at the altar._

"_And now that you have stood before me and exchanged these rings and these vows, and have agreed to be married according to the laws of the state of Washington, it gives me gives me great pleasure to pronounce that you are Husband and Wife__." The minister smiled and lifted his hands. "Edward, you may kiss the bride."_

_If it was possible, Edwards's smile grew even more at that moment. He gently lifted her veil, revealing the love filled eyes of his new wife. He leaned forward, pressing his lips softly against hers, all his love flowing into the moment. She returned the kiss, discovering for the first time, the mouth of her husband. _

_When he pulled away, just a fraction of an inch from her lips, he whispered, "I love you…"_

"_I love you too," she whispered back._

"_And now," The minister announced. " I am pleased to announce for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen!"_

_The chapel was then filled with the sounds of the organ and the cheers of the family witnessing. It was beautiful and wonderful and perfect. They were together – and would be for the rest of their lives…_

* * *

There was pain. That's all Bella could comprehend. The images danced in front her eyelids but she couldn't see them. They were simply flashes of empty light, meaningless and broken.

There were voices, but the words meant nothing. Their sounds rolled uselessly through her skull and the only other thought she could find was how much her body hurt. Her head was exploding, as if her brain was literally expanding, forcing it's way out of the bone structure that was meant to contain it. Her wrist was aching again, like the red head had been ripping at it again. Her fingers felt sticky and she didn't want to open her eyes and see the blood that had dripped and congealed there.

Something inside her felt like she was waiting, but for what, she didn't know.

Death?

She hoped not. Despite her earlier feelings of leaving the mortal world behind, _this _was not what she had had in mind. Being tortured to death by a crazed woman had _definitely_ been outside the realm of possibilities when she had contemplated ending her own life.

Edward?

Bella considered the scenario that had just been running through her head. Her wedding day. _To Edward_. She hadn't considered that before. Well, at least not that she remembered. She didn't know what it meant or how it made her feel. Weddings were supposed to be happy and wonderful and joyous and she wasn't sure if those emotions could be triggered inside her anymore.

Jacob?

She longed for his warmth. She felt so cold, so alone, broken, damaged. It was foolish of her to think that a rescue was possible but she couldn't help but hope anyway. Jacob was so strong, so masculine, so protective, that she could almost imagine him swooping in, like a knight in shining armor.

When she thought of Jacob, it made her dream of Edward seem…

_Wrong._

But how could it be? Edward was her boyfriend. Something inside her must love him, right?

But Jacob's life energy was brilliant, unmistakable and so very _real_, and he made her feel safe when nothing else in her life did. She may not understand him or the feelings that she had, but _safe_… that she understood.

She almost smiled, but it was too much. The pain overwhelmed her again, and she felt the deep tug of unconsciousness dragging her down again….

* * *

"_Are you ready to go, darling?" came Edward's sweet voice, interrupting her beautifying procedures in front of the vanity mirror in her marble tiled bathroom._

_She dropped her mascara wand in surprise. "Shit," she muttered, wiping at the black smears that appeared on the counter._

_Edward's eye brow rose in surprise. "Such language from a gorgeous lady," he said smoothly, his face the perfect mask it always was, never betraying his emotions._

_Bella sighed. "I'm sorry dear. I've been distracted lately, I know." She turned to him, tucking her small body against his, the soft wool of his suit jacket caressing her cheek. "I'm glad we have tonight though. We haven't been out with the family in so long."_

_His hand cupped her chin, moving it upwards until she looked him in the face. "Are you sure you're up to it, love? If you need to stay home, I would be happy to have a quiet evening with you." His golden eyes held back much more than his voice let on, and she was sure there was more pain hiding there than he was willing to ever admit to her._

_She shook her head. Another night at home was not what they needed. "I am very much looking forward to spending time with Alice, Jasper, Rose, Emmett and your parents. Let me just put on my lipstick and I will be ready." He nodded, slowly, watching her for a moment longer. When she moved back to the mirror and carefully avoided his gaze, he left the room. She fiddled with the small tube of lipstick, not much thinking about the shade as she swiped it across her lips. _

_She snapped the lid back on and smoothed her dress. Her hand lingered on her abdomen for a moment and she felt a brief twinge of pain. The jingle of a set of keys from the other room broke her from her trance before her brain had a chance to recall any of the memories she had worked so hard to forget. "I'm going to go get the car, love," Edward called out. _

"_Ok!" She replied quickly, giving herself a spritz of perfume. She looked in the mirror again, taking in her reflection. Her dark blue silk dress complemented her curves and advertised ones she had not known existed. The color made her skin look creamy rather than pale and the pearls nestled in her throat were the perfect accessory. She fingered the delicate beads, wishing that Edward had given them to her in happy circumstances rather than sad…. But the necklace was still beautiful and she knew it would hurt him if she never wore it._

_The car ride went well, considering Bella did her best to chatter about mundane topics like politics, the weather, and her marketing job. Edward was always attentive, catching every change in intonation, every sarcastic comment. It was always pleasing to know how interested he was in her activities. _

_Her attention turned to the car window as she watched the lights of New York City flow passed them. It was easy to forget here, to get lost in the masses of people. She was just a face in the crowd, another stranger on the sidewalk. A pang of guilt echoed in her stomach and she fought it off. He was a wonderful husband. She knew enough to admit that to herself. He catered to her every whim. They took extravagant, luxurious vacations together. They went shopping, and he seemed to adore watching her body in every type of garment they could find. He allowed her time with her friends, which most of the time was just Rosalie or Alice, but he had always encouraged her to go out with the girls from work, even when she had insisted that she didn't want to. He took her to the opera, to the Met, to the museums, to the ballet, to gallery openings, any cultural experience that he thought she might enjoy. _

_Sometimes it felt smothering, to be so cared for. But she also knew that it was supposed to be for her benefit, to help her forget. _

_It never worked though._

_She never forgot._

_The tenor of the lights changed, and she realized that they had arrived at the Discovery Times Square Exposition. Unable to stop herself, Bella clasped her hands together in excitement. Determined to make the most of the evening, she reached across the seat to take Edward's hand. "I'm so excited to see this exhibit. We must thank Carlisle for getting enough tickets for everyone. 'Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs' is supposed to focus on the 18th Dynasty, a 100-year period when Egypt was at the height of its power and the 'golden age' of Egyptian artistry. I want to see his royal diadem and one of the four gold and precious stone inlaid canopic coffinettes that contained his mummified internal organs." Her smile was almost gleeful._

_She watched him watch her, and she knew that Edward was pleased that she was excited. "Really?" he replied softly, the corners of his mouth turning upwards. "Mummified organs?" She was glad that this time, his smile looked like it met his eyes._

_She rolled her eyes at his response. "Thank you for humoring me, but I know that you know what's in this exhibit." She peered out the car window at the valet service up ahead. "The opening looks packed. How on earth did Carlisle get tickets?"_

_Edward shrugged and allowed the car to roll forward slightly as the line moved closer to the valet. "I'm not sure. Mount Sinai has some prestigious patients - I'm sure he made contact with some people." He reached over and stroked her knee gently. "I am very pleased that you are excited to be here."_

_She blinked, nodded dumbly and swallowed around the knot in her throat. "Thanks for bringing me."_

_He turned his head to look at her curiously. "Why wouldn't I want to bring you here? You're my wife, Bella."_

_Bella clenched her teeth together. Were they really going to have this conversation again? Did he really want to talk about this more? She didn't want to dwell on the past any longer. They had once been so happy together. They used to enjoy themselves. It had been such a long time since she had been so very excited about something that she wanted to choke him for questioning her._

_Much to her relief, the valet chose that moment to interrupt them to go park the car. Bella threw open the door and stepped out without waiting for Edward's typical attempt to help her out. Her eyes found Alice on the steps, talking animatedly with Rosalie and Emmett, while Jasper stood beside her, his face glowing with joy._

_She hurried towards them, happy to see the siblings that she had been practically ignoring for the last three months. "Hey guys!" she called anxiously, hoping that they wouldn't be upset with her latest disappearing act._

"_Bella!" Emmett shouted, ignoring all proper rules of etiquette as he grabbed her up in a bear hug. She laughed at his antics, happy to see that he wasn't fazed by her ridiculous behavior. He released her and reached around to clap her husband on the back in greeting. The two brothers smiled at each other, but Edward's smile was tight and his eyes looked drawn, his gaze fixed on Alice, who was struggled to control her facial expressions._

"_Alice?" Bella asked in confusion. "Is everything ok?"_

"_Oh, sister!" Alice laughed lightly, prancing over in her 4 inch stiletto heels. "I was just telling Rosalie and Emmett some good news I got at work, that's all!" She put her small arm around Bella's shoulder's. "Let's go inside! Esme and Carlisle already made it inside, and I heard something about mummified organs…"_

_Bella stopped walking, bringing Alice's excessive rambling to a halt. "What's going on, Alice?" _

_Alice's eyes shifted to the ground, then her gaze tripped awkwardly up the length of Bella's dress before settling somewhere on Bella's forehead. "I overheard my boss telling another manager that they were interested in promoting me to lead director of the promotions division. I was excited, that's all. I thought that perhaps it would mean some good connections for Emmett's new club that he's opening next fall." She smiled, and it was a good fake, but Bella wasn't buying it._

"_You're pregnant, aren't you." She said flatly. It wasn't a question anymore. Bella wasn't stupid. She knew when everyone was tip-toeing around her, desperate to not scare away the poor, weakened, shattered Bella._

_Alice's smile slipped and Bella knew she was right. Her heart, that she had worked so hard to carefully pieced back together, crumbled once more, effectively destroying all the work she had done the last three months. _

"_I'm happy for you," Bella continued, her voice empty, emotionless, dead. "I've got to go."_

_And before anyone could stop her, she whirled around and disappeared into the streets of the city. She ran. She ran and ran, and didn't care when she fell, ripping her dress, marking it with the stain of the city she now lived in. She ran, not noticing when the heel of her shoe broke off, flying off into the darkness that she now longed to be a part of. She ran, ignoring her surroundings as the street lights got dimmer and the strangers on the street got dirtier._

_She ran, and she didn't stop._

* * *

"Victoria! If your plan is to kill her than you're doing a great job of it, but you said you wanted to wait!"

"It's been four days. I can't imagine that disgusting excuse for a vampire wouldn't come and rescue the love of his life. It's pathetic. I'm about to just finish her off and forget out it. At least I got a good meal out of it."

"She's practically dead as it is. You've been draining her for, what? 96 hours? She's fading. Her heartbeat is so slow it's barely even there now. You know they're going to come. We might as well just leave her here. We can leave together, just like we wanted."

*_Snort* _"I'm not ready to leave yet. I need to see the look on his face when she dies. I want him to watch the life leak out of her eyes and know that it's fault. I want him to cry while she lies broken on the floor. I want him to feel what I felt."

"What you felt? What are you talking about?"

"Shut up, Riley. Go find us some dinner. I can't take more from her today if I want her alive by the time they arrive."

"Victoria-"

"GO! Now! Don't make regret turning you."

"I'm sorry, Victoria! I just want what's best for us. You know that! I'll do what-"

"Get. Out. Of. My. Face. She's _mine_. I'll do with her as I please. Now, be a darling and find us some fresh dinner and I promise I'll make it up to you later…."

_

* * *

_

As Bella found her way up their winding staircase and into their bedroom, she still found it hard to believe the twists and turns her life had taken.

_All of her nieces and nephews were grown and moving on into a chapter in their adult lives: Rosalie and Emmett's daughter Stella had taken years to settle down, finally marrying this last summer at the mature age of 40, choosing a prosperous career over children. _

_Avery and Lily, Alice and Jasper's children, had married years before, showering the family with a total of 5 children between them. And everyday Bella realized how wonderful they had turned out. _

_She and Edward couldn't have been happier with their family, and she was grateful that so many years later she was still able to enjoy them._

"_Bella?" came Edward's quiet voice. He found her standing by the window, contemplating the wild beauty of the Pacific Ocean outside their Washington state home, watching the waves crash on the beach below. "You look tired."_

_She managed a smile for him, but they both knew that they were getting older. They had moved into a smaller home many years ago, and had stayed in their home long after they should have. They both knew that they wouldn't be able to watch over each other much longer – Edward had developed heart troubles in his 50's, and despite all the medical advances, they knew he didn't have much time. Bella's health had never been the same since her accident all those years before – but they had each other to take care of, and they knew that was all that mattered._

"_I'm fine, Edward," She replied softly, reaching over to stroke his cheek gently. "You know me."_

"_What I know is that you look tired… I know you're excited that everyone is coming tomorrow, but you can't forget to rest," Edward pointed out._

_Bella's eyes lit up at the thought of her family coming to visit. "I'm just so happy that Avery and Lily will be coming with all the kids this time. We haven't been together as a family since Christmas. Sometimes I wish that Stella wouldn't have loved the Jacksonville sunshine so much and had come home to Forks."_

_Edward laughed lightly. "Well, she was the free spirited one. Avery was always so much more grounded. That's probably while he took after Carlisle and myself, choosing a healing profession. He would have been so very proud of them."_

"_Yes… he would have been. He spoiled them so much as babies. And he was so happy to hear Avery was going to medical school." Tears appeared in her eyes then, and she quickly wiped them away. Esme and Carlisle had been gone for many years but often it felt like the pain still burned as bright as the day they had been laid to rest together, side by side. Shaking her head to clear away the morose thoughts, she smiled again at her husband. "We should get some sleep. I think their plane lands early."_

_And together the old couple got ready for bed, tossing smiles and loving glances at the other as they completed their nightly rituals of undressing, teeth brushing and other things. Soon, they crawled into bed together, tightly grasping hands. "I love you, Edward. Even after all these years…" Bella whispered to him in the darkness._

"_I know you do…" He whispered back, stroking the top of her hand with his thumb. "I wouldn't trade these years with you for anything in the world."_

_And then laying there beside her husband, holding his hand in her own, Bella and Edward Cullen drifted off to sleep…_

_Hours passed and the sun rose again, the birds calling their morning song to the forest around them. But there was little movement in or around the Cullen home, until the sounds of approaching car engines broke the silence._

"_Uncle Edward! Aunt Bella!" Lily called out as she stepped into the foyer, bags in hand. "Are you here?"_

_Her husband stepped in behind her, carrying the rest of the bags. "Maybe they're not up yet?" he asked._

"_Hey you guys!" came Avery's voice from behind them. "I'm so glad you're here!"_

_The families turned to one another, and hugs were exchanged. The children among them began chattering excitedly, as the cousins had always been close._

"_Did you talk to them this morning?" Lily asked as her brother hugged her._

"_No," Avery replied, shaking his head. "But I called when they're usually out for their walk on the beach. I just figured they knew when we were coming."_

_Lily furrowed her eyebrows at him. "Well, let's check upstairs first. You know Aunt Bella – she's probably still fussing with the sheets in the guest bedrooms."_

"_Yeah, she always does that," Avery laughed as he followed her up the stairs. But his laughter died in this throat as they entered their Aunt and Uncle's bedroom. _

"_Are they… sleeping?" Lily whispered. "Oh god…" She flew towards the bed, even as Avery tried to reach for her._

"_Lily…" but he already knew. As a doctor, he knew some things when he saw them. He crossed the room to her, placing an arm around her shoulders. She covered her mouth to close in the sobs that rose to the surface. Unable to look any longer, she buried her face in his shoulder. _

_Avery and Lily were the closest thing to children that Edward and Bella had ever had, and they couldn't help but stand like that for a moment, holding each other, both overwhelmed with grief. They looked down at the peaceful couple before them, the couple that even in death still held each other's hands. But as they stood in their Aunt and Uncle's bedroom for what might be the last time – Avery and Lily Cullen both knew one thing: Bella and Edward were together. Maybe not in the physical world any longer – but in a new one. One where they could – and would – continue to share their love for all of eternity… and their family knew there would be no better place for them…_


	13. The Alpha and The Omega

**A/N: This chapter was hard for me to write in many ways. Confronting Jacob's anger and self doubt was something I knew would have to happen, but it was still depressing to write. I hope that it comes across as something very meaningful, because it was. I also didn't want the ritual to be silly, because I feel like sometimes they are written that way. This is the first part of Jacob's awakening in this story, and I hope that you enjoy it.**

**And REVIEW! This story means nothing without it's readers.**

**Disclaimer: all contents belong to their respective owners. in otherwords, i am not SM. if i were, i would not be on . i would be living in my mansion with taylor lautner.**

* * *

It was one of those moments where everyone was talking, screaming, arguing, and yet no one was listening to anyone else. No plans were being made - only blame could be thrown around, and no one would agree on which theories might actually be correct, and there were no real solutions being offered.

"It's your fault she's in this position to begin with, leech," sneered Jared, his handsome features twisted in contempt.

"Really," came Rosalie's disgusted snort. "Because if I recall things correctly, she was taken from… wait? Where? Oh yeah - _your land_."

Quil bristled at her implication, baring his teeth at the blonde beauty. "And who do you think kidnapped her? Embry?" He stared at her incredulously.

"You watch your mouth, dog," warned Emmett, his large frame rising from his chair. His fists clenched and unclenched, his anger hitting a dangerous new level.

"Who are you calling _dog, _blood-sucker?" demanded Leah. The vampire might have been several inches taller and wider than her, but it didn't stop her from getting within inches of his face.

His hand came up and Sam leaped from his seat and he pushed Leah back, his chest bumping against Emmett's. "Don't you fucking touch her," he growled, daring the other man to continue the fight.

"Stop it!" screeched Alice from her place on the couch with Jasper. "This is not helping!"

"And what do you propose we do, O Wise One?" Paul snapped sarcastically. "Since you can see the future, can you tell us how we're supposed to fix this mess your family made by introducing Bella to the world of leeches?"

"You think she would be safe with a pack of mangy beasts?" Emse's voice was tired, but her rage was very thinly veiled. Heads whipped in her direction, surprised that the usually calm maternal figure was so obviously furious.

"Fuck you," spit out Embry, and his dark eyes glowed with anger.

He took a step forward, fists tight at his sides, but Sam held him off with one arm across the chest. "Don't bother," he drawled. "Wouldn't be much of a fight, anyway."

Rosalie hissed at him. "Yeah, since we all know how pathetic you mutts are. Thanks for saving us from wasting our time."

Quil's eyes narrowed and he took a deep breath, shaking his head in disbelief. "You stupid little-"

"Enough."

One word.

That was all it took.

Thirteen sets of eyes jumped to the voice, only to find a surprising pair of men filling the doorway.

Edward and Jacob stood there, their faces stoic and determined, and apparently not at all amused or impressed by the pathetic display of dominance before them.

"Who died and put you in charge?" snipped Rosalie, referring to the command Jacob had given only seconds earlier.

"Listen to him, Rose, or I will make you regret the day you ever opened that beautiful mouth," warned Edward, his tone warm with anger and bitterness. "Jacob and I have come to an understanding, and I except you to shut up and pay attention." Rosalie's gaze flicked to Carlisle in shock, but when she found no argument from him, she accepted her brother's orders, but not without rolling her eyes first.

"Jacob?" Sam asked softly. "Should you be out of bed?"

Jacob's gaze settled on Carlisle, who nodded in response to Sam's question. "I did not expect his injuries to heal so quickly, but they have. I have noticed an incredible increase in his healing abilities these last few days. His ribs and arms are in 100% condition, and as long as he is careful with his head, I see no reason why he can not resume his activities within the pack." Carlisle paused, looking around at the crowd. "Especially considering the circumstances."

"An increase?" Jared said, puzzlement evident in his voice. "Why would you suddenly be able to heal better?"

Sam coughed and shifted uncomfortably. "Um… I wanted to say something, but thought it was best if Jacob did it."

The pack's confused faces turned back to Jacob. He sighed and straightened his spine, and gasps rippled through the room as its occupants took in his new frame, which had grown up at least 6 inches in height and 6 more across the shoulders. His movement sent a shudder through the wolves, and before the vampires knew what was happening, all seven pack members lowered themselves to the floor in front of him.

"What the-" Emmett began, but Edward raised a warning hand, and Emmett shut his mouth, his expression confused and uncertain.

Jacob closed his eyes. His pitch was low, dark, powerful, and it carried the weight of hundreds of years of Quileute legend. "It happened long ago that Q'waeti' journeyed all over the land setting the people aright and instructing the people that would come in the future how they should act. Q'waeti' instructed the people how to build houses." Sam came forward first, moving on his hands and knees, his eyes closed and his face reverent. He bowed his forehead to floor inches from Jacob's feet, and then rose up off of his hands. Jacob's fingers came down to meet him, once to touch the pulse point in Sam's neck, and then again over Sam's heart. Then Jacob's head nodded in recognition, and Sam moved back again, but Jacob did not stop his speech.

"One day Q'waeti' came upon Beaver. Beaver was sharpening his stone knife, and Beaver was very stingy. Q'waeti' asked what was Beaver doing. Whereupon Beaver said: 'I am sharpening my knife in order to kill Q'waeti',' said Beaver. Then Q'waeti' took what Beaver was sharpening and stuck it on Beaver's tail. Then he said: 'You shall always have this stuck to your tail, and live in the water. You will just slap the water with your tail and dive when the people come.'" Then it was Jared's turn, and he mimicked the same movements - bowed first, and then accepted the touches to his neck and chest, his facial expression identical to Sam's - calm, subservient, and awed.

"Then one day he came upon Deer. Deer was sharpening his shell knife. Thereupon Q'waeti' asked Deer what was he sharpening it for. Whereupon Deer said: 'I am going to kill Q'waeti',' said Deer. Then Q'waeti' seized the shell that Deer was sharpening. Then he stuck it on Deer's ears. He said 'When you see people you shall run frightened and stop, and look back.' Then Q'waeti' went on his way."

The vampires watched in silence, respectful of the ceremonious dance in which the wolves were now participating. Even Rosalie looked humbled, and she remained quiet.

After Jared came Paul and Embry, and there was nothing awkward about their movements, as if instinct alone guided these events, as if these wolves had participated in this ritual for thousands of years. "Not long afterward he reached Q'wayi't'soxk'a River. But he did not find any people. Then Q'waeti' spit on his hands and rubbed them. Doing this he rubbed off the human dead skin into the water. Thereupon many people appeared. Then Q'waeti' said to the people whom he had made: 'You shall dwell here,' said Q'waeti'. 'Your name shall be Q'wayi't'sox.'"

The story continued as Quil, Leah and finally Seth took their turns, bowing before Jacob carefully, their foreheads each touching the same spot as the wolf before them. A heavy weight filled the room, and an aura of light seemed to surround the group of natives gathered at one end. "Then Q'waeti' reached the Hoh people. He saw that these people walked on their hands carrying their smelt nets between their legs. At that time all the Hoh people walked on their hands. They were called the Up-side-down people. Since that time the Up-side-down people were known as the first people who had existed. Then Q'waeti' turned right side up the ones who walked on their hands. 'You shall use your feet to walk,' said Q'waeti' to the former Up-side-down people. 'Go and fish smelt. You shall catch much fish when you fish smelt." Ever since then there is much smelt at Hoh."

Jacob's timbre changed, his voice deeper and more passionate. His eyes remained closed, and then raised his palms and face to the sky. The pack mimicked his gestures while they remained on their knees before him. "Then Q'waeti' went on and reached the Quileute land. He saw two wolves. There were no people here. Then Q'waeti' transformed the wolves into people. Then he instructed the people saying: 'The common man will have only one wife. Only a chief may have four or eight wives. For this reason you Quileute shall be brave, because you come from wolves,' said Q'waeti'. 'In every manner you shall be strong.'"

"In every manner you shall be strong," murmured the wolves, eyes still closed, bodies still positioned towards Jacob, as they waited, unmoving, for the ritual to be complete.

"Xabá £ibíti áìowla!" Jacob was loud, his tone demanding leadership, understanding, authority, obedience, passion, forgiveness. There was a moment of silence and then the room felt like it was rocked with an explosion, although no sound was heard. The floor rumbled beneath their feet, the walls trembled with power, and the building shuddered as if it meant to crumble, but if Jacob and the wolves felt it, they did not acknowledge it.

The vampires stared, their mouths agape, their faces filled with confusion and wonder. All except Edward, who kept his gaze carefully focused on the floor.

"Xabá £ibíti áìowla!" came the enthusiastic cries of the wolves, and then the mood suddenly changed, exploding with love and relief as they rose from the floor, surrounding Jacob with hugs, claps to the back and shouts of laughter.

Rosalie blinked first. "What the hell was that?"

The rowdy natives turned to stare at her in surprise, almost like they had forgotten that a crowd of their mortal enemies were still in the room. "Jacob just asserted himself as their true Alpha, and they have accepted him," came Edward's smooth reply from his position in the doorway. "By reminding them of their creation, and their people's need for the strength and solidarity of the wolves, they swore their allegiance to him, as well as to the protection to one another."

Rosalie's forehead wrinkled up for a moment while she thought. Edward watched her, then shook his head in disbelief. Rosalie shrugged and she smiled at him unapologetically. Edward rolled his eyes. "She still doesn't understand," he explained exasperatedly to the room.

Jacob stepped forward. "I realized today that if I wanted to protect Bella, I also needed to protect myself and my people, which I haven't been doing a very good job of recently. I've been selfish. I was afraid of the responsibility of becoming Alpha and I thought that just letting Sam do it would be better. But what I hadn't thought of were the consequences - I'm a direct descendent of Ephraim Black, not Sam. And while Sam is an excellent leader-" He turned to smile at his friend, who quickly returned the expression. "He was not meant to be Alpha. Only I can lead this pack, and it's about time that I start doing it." His gaze flicked to Rosalie. "The story I told was that of our creation, of the origins of many tribes like ours." He raised one hand to explain the ritual, his hand tracing over his neck. "When I touched their pulse points, it was a sign of dominance, because if you take your prey at this spot-" he snapped his fingers. "Instant death. In this way, they acknowledged that they are subservient to me." His fingers moved over his chest. "By touching their chest, I showed them the place they hold in my heart, and to remind them of my place in theirs. It's a gesture of love and it bonds us together as a functioning group." Jacob's eyebrows lifted questioningly. "Does it make sense now, Rosalie?"

She stared at him dumbfounded, unable to respond. Edward's chuckle caused Jacob's gaze to jerk in his direction. "She's surprised that you called her by name instead of _leech _or _blood-sucker_."

Jacob laughed in response. "_Leech_," he sneered at her, humor alight in his eyes. "There. Does that make you feel better?"

If it had been possible, Rosalie might have blushed. Her head whipped to Alice. "Did he just… _tease_ me?"

The tiny pixie girl laughed. "I think maybe he did, Rose." She gave her blonde sister a wink. "It's called a sense of humor. Perhaps you should considering investing in one." Her comment made the wolves laugh.

Esme interrupted the moment when she said, "I'm glad that we have been able to come together in this way, but can we decide what is to be done with Bella? She has been gone a week and we are no closer to finding her."

Jacob nodded and looked at Edward, gesturing between the two of them to show the agreement that they had come to. "We've been discussing that. I think we can all agree that Victoria is behind this, since the pack found her on the reservation the same night that Bella went missing. It would only make sense that she used the earlier attack to distract us from her real mission, which was the kidnapping."

"What does she want with Bella, anyway?" Quil asked, his forehead wrinkled in thought.

Edward sighed. "Not long after Bella learned about my family's…. dietary habits, we came across a small nomadic coven. James took an intense interest in Bella, which I most certainly did not approve of. My reaction to him sparked an obsession in him, and we had to kill him in Phoenix to protect Bella. Victoria was his mate, and we believe that she seeks vengeance for his death. I believe that when this began, Bella and I were an official couple, and she saw Bella as my weakness. I do not know if Victoria knows that Bella does not remember us as vampires or you as werewolves. I'm not even sure if it would matter to her or not." He stopped and cleared his throat. "My concern is this - we do not know what her plan with Bella is. Whether she means to turn her or kill her… or when."

Seth gasped. "You mean, she might be…" He shook his head vigorously. "No, she can't be."

"I believe that she is alive," Jacob said softly, placing his large hand gently on the younger wolf's shoulder. "I think I would…. _know_ if she was not."

Alice's lip trembled and Jacob wondered if she would have cried had she been capable of it. "I can't see her! Victoria keeps changing her mind! But I'm pretty sure she's still alive." She twisted the hem of her shirt between her small hands. Jasper rubbed her arm soothingly. "She knows us too well to let her thoughts give her away."

"Is there any way for us to track Bella somehow?" Paul asked uncertainly.

"Like how? We lead you around Washington State on a leash like a search dog?" Emmett's words were humorous, but his tone was the complete opposite. "I'm not sure that would go the way we want."

"I have some contacts in the Seattle area that I could call," Carlisle offered. "Perhaps they have had some interactions with Victoria and could have some information."

"And what will that cost us?" Jacob's voice was cool and clipped. "I'm not willing to bargain with these _creatures_."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. If Carlisle was offended, he didn't let on. "I don't think that's something you need to worry about, Jacob," he replied smoothly. "I would not involve you, if it came to that."

Jacob's eyes narrowed, but his tone was still calm. "I wish I could say that I appreciate the offer, Carlisle, especially after everything you've done to help me, but I don't think that I'm comfortable with that."

Leah moved from her position next to Seth and cautiously scooted closer to Jacob. He turned to look at her questioningly, and he watched as she poked him with one finger in the bicep. He gave her a small growl. "What was that for, Leah?"

She stared at him with wide eyes, her expression full of mock innocence. "Where is Jacob and what did you do with him?"

Embry smirked. "Yeah, Jake. You're usually not this…. calm." He turned to look at Jasper. "You're not doing some of your funky voodoo vamp shit, are you?"

Jacob's dark eyes became heavy with anger. His jaw tightened, and his fists clenched dangerously on the couch cushion he had rested his hands on. "I've done my damnedest these last few days to get my priorities straight. Just because I'm not resorting to rage as a way to communicate does not mean that I've forgotten how we got in this shit hole to begin with." He was literally vibrating with fury and he spun around to point his trembling finger in Edward's direction. "Edward's done nothing but play games throughout this entire fucking mess. He's gone out of his way to make me miserable - There's nothing that I wouldn't do for Bella and everyone fucking knows it. Don't think he hasn't used that fact to his advantage when it comes to manipulating his relationship with her."

Alice gasped and opened her mouth as if to defend her brother, but Jacob turned his wrath in her direction. "He's pathetic, and you know it. It's all right there in front of your abnormally sparkly fucking faces and yet no one can see it. It's called opening your damn eyes! Why is it that we seem to think that there's something heroic about suffering?" His eyes rolled dramatically towards the ceiling and he laughed out loud, although nothing about it could be interpreted as humorous. "There's nothing noble about self-destruction here. _Nothing_." Jacob's voice cracked and he almost gagged, his shoulders shuddering in revulsion. "You think it makes you better to sulk and let the pieces that make you human fall away bit by bit? Is that what you want? To be a simple, empty shell of the person you used to be? Is it easier for you to pretend that way? Sadness is the heaviest weight that we could ever begin to carry and to decide to exist in it is disgusting. Who do you think we're helping by behaving this way? No one wants your martyrdom. It's sick and it's weak," He spat out. "One would hope after that after this many decades you could grow a pair, but apparently that's too much to ask."

Jacob was like a freight train that it ran out of steam. The words stopped and his body slumped against the couch. Leah moved to touch him, as if to apologize somehow, and he raised his palm to stop her without looking up. "I don't want your comfort or your pity, Leah." He shook his head and sighed. "Next time, leave it alone." With that, he turned on his heel and left the room, leaving everyone to stare after him, stunned into silence by his tirade.

"Couldn't just let it be, could you?" Edward asked softly. He shook his head, and a smile appeared that that was filled with irony, guilt, and bitterness. "We're in this position because of me, and it's up to me to fix it. When Jacob and I need your help, we'll ask. Do you get it now? Do you understand yet? When you finally figure out it, let me know. But until then, stay out of it. All of you." And then he followed Jacob's lead and carried himself swiftly out of the room, hoping that finally, everyone would comprehend the cost of this endless war.


	14. The Promise

**A/N: Alright, another chapter.**

**I hate to sound whiny, but I would supremely enjoy some more reviews! There are 87 people recieving story alerts from this fic, and I only got 10 reviews on the last chapter. **

**PLEASE? Is a few short sentences too much to ask? This is the 14th chapter, and we've had 125 reviews - that's like MAYBE 10 a chapter. *sigh***

**Disclaimer: One of my preschoolers told me this week he was a vampire now. I told him to tell Jacob Black I was looking for him.**

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* * *

_

_I'm not afraid to take a stand  
Everybody come take my hand  
We'll walk this road together, through the storm  
Whatever weather, cold or warm  
Just let you know that, you're not alone  
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road  
And I just can't keep living this way  
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage  
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons  
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground  
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up  
Time to put my life back together right now…_

"Not Afraid" - Eminem

* * *

Edward found Jacob on the deck, his hands tightly gripping the railing as if he were trying to hold himself in place. The new Alpha's gaze was fixed into the distance, unseeing and empty. "I'm sorry, Edward," he managed to say. "That wasn't the way that was supposed to go."

Edward shook his head slowly. "You had every right to say those things." He sighed, a human gesture for a creature that hadn't experienced a heartbeat in almost a century. "Every word of it was true."

Jacob's head turned so quickly he almost knocked himself off balance, his face filled with shock. "What did you say?" he growled, not quite believing the words that had reached his ears.

"Calm down, dog," Edward said mildly. "I am not trying to provoke you. I'm simply trying to agree with you." Jacob's eyes narrowed uneasily. "You were correct when you said I've manipulated Bella - in the past I can admit that this is true. I realize now that I carry much influence over her decisions." He looked back at Jacob's face. "I have not used this power to make her do things she did not want to do, but I have not done what I should have to discourage her from making poor decisions… like wanting to become… like me."

Jacob watched Edward for a moment, contemplating his statement. "I meant every word I said in there. I just hadn't meant for it to come out like that, in front of everyone." He shrugged. "Ok, so maybe I really wanted to, but I actually did go in there with a plan to be calm and productive." Another shrug. "I can admit that I wanted to remind your family of their poor decisions and of their part in getting us to this point, but if I'm going to be a good Alpha for my pack, I need to show better self control than that. I can't fly off the handle every time blond sparkle-bitch makes a nasty comment."

Edward chose to ignore Jacob's new nickname for Rosalie. He knew that the dog could never _completely_ control himself. "So you apologize but do not apologize." He let out an odd chuckle.

"I suppose so," Jacob managed a lopsided grin. But then his face grew solemn as he remembered the real reason behind their uneasy alliance. He turned back towards the forest, his hands resting on the railing once more. "So what's the plan, then? Since we've managed to alienate both of our families…"

Edward sighed again and Jacob fought to control the urge to punch him - _why did the vampire insist on pretending he was human? _His jaw tightened painfully and he forced himself to remember that the only reason that he was speaking with the leech instead of killing him was because of Bella.

"The last place that Alice saw Victoria was Seattle, so I suppose that we should start there," Edward replied finally.

Jacob nodded in agreement. "Sam told me after her partner attacked me that they headed in that direction. Makes sense then." He thought for a moment longer. "Seattle is a big city, and even though we move quickly, if she finds out we're there before we find Bella…" his voice trailed off, letting Edward assume the rest.

"This is true," Edward said quietly. "And you have a rather… potent smell, to say the least, Jacob."

"But," Jacob interjected. "If she smells me, she may not notice you."

Edward's eyebrows went up in surprise. "Good idea, dog. Mask my presence with your scent and she may be so worried about where you are and what you're doing that she won't think to look for me. She probably won't even consider the possibility that we're working together." He tapped his chin thoughtfully and Jacob ground his teeth together in irritation, and clenched his fists to keep from breaking that finger off. Edward smirked. "Shout a little louder why don't you, mutt."

Jacob rolled his eyes. _Fuck you - how's that?_

Edward sneered. "Very eloquent."

Jacob took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, alright?" He put up both hands in sign of defeat. "I just don't understand why you bother doing shit like that."

"Like what?" Edward replied. "Human gestures?"

Jacob nodded. "We know you're not human. Why pretend?"

Edward went perfectly still, the kind of still that take decades of practice, where no muscles twitch, no eyelid blinks, no breath… nothing. The wind blew around him, tossing the hair on his head, but the rest of his body was completely motionless. A statue might have moved less. He stood there like he could have held that position for the rest of eternity, never growing tired, never growing weary.

Jacob blinked in surprise. "Oh," he said softly. "I guess that's kind of fucked up…"

Edward laughed and resumed his blinking, breathing, fidgeting façade. "We pretend to be human because we interact with them. I suppose it just becomes habit, to perform these small movements. If we behaved as we truly are, we could never enjoy the lifestyle we crave." He shrugged. "In all actuality, I could possibly remain like that for an indefinite amount of time. Yes, I would be thirsty, but vampires do not die unless they are killed. I might shrivel up, become a simple shell of a creature, but I would not perish." His voice got softer, and it was full of an emotion so dark that Jacob could not imagine a name for it. "This would most undoubtedly be the equivalent of a mankind's 'hell'…. But it is a punishment most certainly worse than death."

A cold shiver licked down Jacob's spine and he fought against the feeling, as iciness was a sensation that he was typically unfamiliar with. Why Bella could consider choosing cold over warmth, he might never understand.

"I do not understand that decision either," came Edward's quiet voice, and if Jacob hadn't been so surprised by the words, he might have been pissed that the leech had been rummaging through his thoughts again. "But I… can't let her go until she asks me to." He lifted an eyebrow in Jacob's direction. "Perhaps that is selfish, and difficult for you to believe, but I do _love_ her." A dark smile crossed his face. "My heart may not beat, but it is not entirely frozen."

Jacob's lips rolled in disgust and he fought against the urge to gag. "Forgive me if I can't understand your version of _love_," he sneered. But then he sighed and shook his head, disappointed in himself for taking the bait. He wanted to release all the pent up anger and hostility inside him, but by accepting the responsibility of Alpha, he could no longer allow his vicious mood swings and violent temper to rule his life and dictate the words that slipped out of his mouth.

Edward nodded, slowly. "I can appreciate that, I suppose." His golden gaze turned to Jacob. "I would let her go, if she asked. If she wanted you, I would not fight it. If it meant that she did not… become like me, I would let her go."

Jacob squinted at his former enemy. "You would… allow her to chose me?"

"You say _allow_ like somehow I control her decisions." Edward's eyes narrowed.

Jacob barked out a laugh that was laced with sarcasm and disbelief. "Please, leech. You treat her like your own personal marionette." He allowed a smirk to dance along his mouth. "You make her think she makes her own choices, but if she did, you and I both know that we wouldn't be having this discussion right now."

"_Listen, dog_," Edward hissed, his face leaning towards Jacob's. "I have done my best to accept your insults and insinuations, accept my portion of the blame for the situation. I have even admitted that I have not cared for her the way that I should have. But do _not_, ever, accuse me of controlling her, of using some sick form of psychological abuse." His fist drifted towards Jacob's chest, but it stopped an inch from touching skin. A growl rose from deep within the wolf's chest. "You may not like me, but I _love_ her, and I will not allow you to tarnish that with your jealousy and hatred for my family."

Jacob's breath was coming in pants, his chest heaving with fury and his tightly clenched arms were trapped against his sides, trembling dangerously. "_Hatred for your family_?" The volume of his voice was rising. "Your fucking family is the reason my entire life was ruined." He raised a large finger and stabbed it in the direction of Edward's icy face. "This is not just about Bella. This is about your _kind_, and how your existence here in Forks made me into _this._" He gestured up and down at his large physique. "I would give almost _anything_ to have had a normal life. This was not a _choice_." He rolled his eyes towards the sky. "Let's blame mythological genetics for the _awesome_ hand I was dealt. If not for your family, Bella and I would have fallen in love when she came here from Phoenix, and we could have had a normal life without all this ridiculous supernatural bullshit." His jaw flexed, and his teeth ground together in frustration. "I would like nothing more than for your entire _species_ to altogether disappear from the planet."

Edward laughed, and it felt like fingernails on a chalkboard as it fell on Jacob's sensitive ears. "You think we're excited about your existence?" He rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Trust me, mutt, we did not count your tribe's shape shifting abilities into the equation when we came to this area. We did our best to live by your rules, to live in peace here. How were we supposed to know that this would happen?"

"I don't fucking care how the fuck you should have known!" Jacob shouted, his face red with the effort it took to keep from shifting right there on the leech's front porch. "I just want a normal life without all this ridiculous bullshit! I want _my_ life back!" His fist connected with his solid chest, just above his heart. "I want _my_ life, the way it should have been. I want normalcy, I want Bella, and for Christ's sake, a little fucking happiness!"

A look of pain stretched across the vampire's cold features. His eyes filled with defeat and his chin slumped to his chest. "I know what it's like…. To feel like you've been left with no choices, everyone else having made them for you." He looked up to meet Jacob's eyes. "I understand how it feels to be…. Frozen… in place. Stuck where you are, with no way to escape, unable to satisfy the yearnings of truly living your own life." He whispered, and his tone was desperate and filled with dreams that could never possibly be fulfilled.

Jacob should have been pleased that he had made the vampire admit to his wrongdoings, but hearing the ache in Edward's voice reminded him of his own. He shook his head, rubbing his fists into his throbbing temples. "_Shit_," he said with feeling. A sad laugh bubbled up from his chest. "This was _not_ how this was supposed to go."

"What do you suggest we do, then?" Edward breathed, and he turned away from Jacob, as if to hide the pained expression that seemed permanently etched into his features.

Jacob sighed, shifting his weight from one foot to other uncomfortably. "Can I ask you a question?" He asked quietly.

Edward turned back to him, surprised that the anger had vanished from Jacob's eyes. The constant barrage of ideas, thoughts and dreams had suddenly vanished from the air around them and Edward briefly wondered if Jacob was shielding from him. But then he shrugged - he almost didn't care. Hearing the wolf's innermost thoughts was almost entirely too painful. "What's your question, Jacob?" His voice was quiet.

"Um… did you mean what you said… about letting Bella go?" Jacob asked, finally finding his voice. He could feel in the change in Bella since the accident, and something told it that she was different now, that her feelings were no longer what they once were. He struggled to keep the image of a brick wall securely in his brain, desperate to keep the bloodsucker from continually invading his personal space.

Edward sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "When I left before… I thought I was doing her a favor. But when Alice had the vision of her… jump, I was terrified that I had driven her to hurt herself." He looked back at Jacob. "If I had known that you were capable of making her… _whole_ again, I would have… stayed away." His cold body shivered slightly, but they both knew it wasn't because he was cold. "I would have spent the rest of my existence in constant, excruciating pain, but it would have pleased me to know that she was happy… even if it was with you. I believe that you can protect her."

Jacob shook his head. "What you forget, Edward, is that Bella can take care of herself. She may be delicate, she may be clumsy, and unbelievably accident prone, but all she needs is someone to believe in her." He shrugged. "Everyone seems firmly convinced that I 'saved' her," he continued, making air quotes with his fingers. "But I didn't." He chewed the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. "I just allowed her to be herself."

A slow breath leaked out from between Edward's marble lips. "Perhaps you know her better than I do."

Jacob shrugged again. "Maybe we just know different parts of Bella."

Edward shook his head his disagreement. "No, I forget that she is not a child requiring my care."

"So you mean it," Jacob continued, still not quite sure whether he could trust Edward. "You really would let her go?"

"Of course I would," Edward replied, his voice crackling with pain. "I love her, but if she chose you, I could let her go." His eyebrows rose, as if to ask the same question of Jacob.

Jacob snorted. "I hate to break it to you, but there's no way in hell that I would let her go. I meant it when I said that I would fight for her until her heart stopped beating." His dark eyes cut back to Edward, full of unspoken threats. "If you even _actually_ consider changing her…"

"I won't," Edward interrupted. "Not anymore. I still worry that she would consider serious bodily harm to force my hand… but I believe between my family and your pack, that we could prevent her from doing something like that." He sighed again. "Although, it looks like someone else-" he pointed upwards towards the clouds. "was listening to our prayers." He rubbed his hands up and downs his arms in an awkward fashion. "Although I most certainly believe no one has listened to my questions for quite sometime."

Jacob coughed in the back of his throat. "I don't know if I could go that far, and I'm not the one to be asking any kind of spiritual question, but at least she has a chance to start over." He sighed again. He jerked his thumb back in the direction of the doors leading into the house, desperate to end this painful, unproductive conversation. "I suppose we should get over ourselves for a bit and go back inside to make a plan."

Edward nodded. "I believe you are right, dog." Then, to the shock of both of them, he held out his hand towards a man that in most circumstances would be his enemy, asking for a human act between two creatures that most would find unnecessary. "Please?" he asked softly, looking between his hand and Jacob's.

Jacob stared, floored by the gesture. But before he could stop himself, he reached out and clasped the offered hand. The cold seeped into his skin, spreading up his arm, and he forced it back, controlling the fierce iciness with his own heat, and the two temperatures mingled, at war with one another, tangled in a war for dominance.

And there they stood -

fire and ice.

cold and warmth.

death and life.

They had been created by nature to balance the life forces of the world between good and evil, as if organic versus supernatural had converged onto a universe unprepared for the supreme powers they possessed. They were like modern day Gods of Olympus, and they both carried the ability to create, protect and destroy. They were enemies, polar opposites, and their primal urges were screaming deep inside to rip the throat out of the other. Neither life nor experience could have prepared either one for the agreement they were about to make.

But with that simple gesture, they merged as one force, if only temporarily, to save the woman they both loved more than life itself. Their basic instincts fought against the union, and their inner beasts growled uneasily at the enemy before them.

But a higher power was in control now, and they made an unspoken promise, an oath to their families, a vow to one another, and a pledge to themselves -

_We will save her_.

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**V**

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PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

*smiles* thanks! *hugs*


	15. The Rescue

**A/N: I apologize about the wait. I've been trying to write this chapter, the sequel for another story, beta for a friend at JBNP, work on coursework for my master's, and still teach. So yeah, there's my life right now. Plus, this was hard for me to write, because it has to be very descriptive, and I found it difficult to write the fight scenes. I hope you will enjoy it and as always,**

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**Disclaimer - What I say about South Park, a neighborhood in Seattle, is purely conjecture. It's the poorest area of the city, and that's about all I could find out. However, the information about the pollution is true, to my knowledge. But my apologies if you live there, have lived there and know someone who does. I don't mean to make fun of any one in any way!**

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_I can feel a phoenix inside of me_  
_As I march alone to a different beat_  
_Slowly swallowing down my fear_  
_I am ready for the road less traveled_  
_Suiting up for my crowning battle_  
_This test is my own cross too bare_  
_But I will get there_  
_It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called_  
_Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall_  
_I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames_  
_Calling out my name_  
_I can see the writing on the wall_  
_I can't ignore this war_  
_At the end of it all_  
_Who am I living for?_

- Katy Perry "Who Am I Living For?"

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They made an intriguing duo - the vampire and the werewolf. If no one looked at them closely, they might not have noticed the 6'6" native, his dark eyes angry, his body tensed, as if he were perilously close to the edge of sanity. If no one paid attention, they might not have seen that the man with the unusually bronze hair, his skin so pale he almost glowed, his eyes a strange color of topaz. They did not look like they came from the same world, one light and one dark.

If no one focused on the strangers that walked by, they might not have detected the tension between them, walking side by side, but so obviously not together. Sometimes they would walk on opposite sides of the street, but always returning to one another, never speaking, never making eye contact. Only occasionally would they stop, eyes closing, as if to focus. But then they would continue, their gaze never leaving the sidewalk as they moved quickly onwards. They seemed sure of their destination, and if asked, they could have provided one, but no one cared to stop them.

An aura of fury, anger, and despair radiated from them, causing bystanders to shiver against the icy fire of their presence. They made people uncomfortable, their power overwhelming. They moved in the darkness without fear, without trepidation, and didn't worry about interference from others. South Park was the seediest area of Seattle, its' occupants poor, homeless, drug-addicted, lost to themselves and the world around them.

It was located just south of Georgetown across the Duwamish River, and just north of the city of Tukwila. South Park connected to Georgetown by two bridges, but recently the city closed one due to "safety" concerns, and the terror of entrapment hung heavy in the night air. Surrounded by Seattle's industrial area, South Park's soil and air had been polluted; heavy metals had contaminated the top soil and the nearby Duwamish River had been known for unhealthy levels of toxic waste. The air was thick with the smell of chemicals, leaving most of its occupants with a permanent foul coating on the back of their throats, the disease of their poverty giving them a constant physical reminder of their hopeless situation.

Typically, perhaps, two obviously gorgeous men would have drawn attention, but this pair only drove observers away - not even the most disturbed of minds considered them a likely target.

The sun had vanished from the sky hours before, but the wolf and the vampire took no notice. Their eyes were no longer their most important tool, instead focusing their talents on their olfactory and auditory senses, hoping that a trail of Bella's scent or the sounds of Victoria's sadistic thoughts would lead them in the right direction.

The aroma of vampire was pungent in Seattle and Jacob struggled to discern one smell from another. He fought against the heavy growls that rumbled in his chest at each new vampire smell, and his arms shook with the effort it took to keep from phasing. He had difficulty maintaining his focus to concentrate on Bella, and to his relief, Edward remained quiet about his personal battle. He was frustrated with himself - all these superhuman senses and he couldn't control them enough to find Bella. They only had hours of darkness left, and the heavy ache in his heart thumped in warning.

Edward mostly listened, closing his eyes occasionally to narrow in on one particular thought, but savagery was a common theme in Seattle, so violent intentions were plentiful. The scent of human blood was everywhere, sour and dark, none of it calling to him the way he knew that Bella's would. It terrified him - they all knew that this rescue might have come too late, that they may have waited too long.

Human life became sparser as they approached an abandoned area of the neighborhood. The wind blew gently, lifting and swirling the dead leaves that littered the broken sidewalk. Jacob lifted his head, inhaling deeply. His eyes snapped open, alive and sparking in fury -

_Vampire. _

_Blood._

Their eyes met, briefly, faster than any human eye could have detected, and they spun, running, flying, leaping in the direction of the building that held the overwhelmingly promising smell. The heavy metal door didn't stop them, groaning in protest as Jacob's very large shoulder pushed it violently out of it's frame. They paused then as the resounding _thud_ of the fallen door echoed around them. The building was silent, and so were they. Jacob's gaze once again turned to Edward's and he pointed up. They moved together, leaping effortlessly and elegantly up the darkened stairwell.

Maniacal laughter rang out as they neared the door marked "Access to Roof". Both froze momentarily, listening.

_Shift?_ Jacob's thought tumbled into Edward's head.

He shook it in the negative and whispered, "She doesn't know the human you."

Jacob acknowledged the sound with the barest of nods. _I'll go first, see if Bella's with her, distract her if I'm able. She might just kill her immediately if she sees you. _He inhaled deeply. _She's near, I can smell her… but barely_.

Edward nodded in return, agreeing with Jacob's assessment. He too, sensed Bella, smelled her sweet blood, but it was very faint, and it terrified him.

Jacob wrenched the door open, and it fell off the hinges, showering them in flecks of rust and paint. He bounded up the stairs, taking 4 and 5 at time, his long legs pulling him quickly upwards. The adrenaline surged like lightening through his veins, and his wolf snarled viciously in his chest, fighting against the barrier of his metaphoric cage, desperately wanting released to begin the battle it knew was imminent. His body hummed with energy, its' thrill prickling down his skin, sending up goose bumps along his limbs like ants marching to the beat of his heart.

The sight that greeted him when he cleared the doorway stopped him in his tracks, although he was briefly pleased to see the utter surprise on Victoria's face. His focus was immediately drawn to the small, pale form cradled in the redhead's arms.

_Bella_.

His heart pounded painfully as he realized that it was Bella's blood that hung like a heavy curtain in the air. He felt his own lips pull back into a snarl as his eyes flicked across the red spatters that decorated Victoria's skin. His human teeth gnashed together in his mouth, growls pulling from deep within in his chest. He fought to maintain some distance between them, but he desperately wanted to cross the space and snatch Bella from the bitch's grasp. He reminded himself how fast she was, and that she could break Bella's neck in the fraction of a second it would take him to move the 20 feet.

Victoria hissed in defiance. "You smell…. Of wolf."

Jacob ignored the comment. "Give her to me, and we'll call it even." It was a lie, and they both knew it, but he said it anyway.

"Where is he?" She shrieked, her eyes flashing dangerously, and Jacob growled again as he watched her dig her sharp nails deeper in the skin of Bella's side, cradling the limp body closer to her chest.

Jacob shrugged, aiming for nonchalance. "I killed him."

Victoria eyes widened, and she stiffened, but he knew that she couldn't detect the lie – or Edward – his scent was simply overpowering when comparing it to the vampires'. "You didn't." She hissed, but her white shoulders trembled, and Jacob knew that she didn't know what to believe.

"He tried to keep from me coming." His lips moved into what he hoped looked like a grim smile. "I torn his head off. Come closer, and I can tell you all about it."

"Forget it, dog," She cried, her features twisted in fury. "I'll kill her anyway. The human bitch deserves it!"

It was then that Jacob saw Edward appear around the wall behind Victoria, and while he didn't know how he had gotten on the roof undetected, he also didn't care. It was two against one.

Jacob's eyes flicked to Edward before he could stop them, and Victoria saw, causing Jacob to cursed at his amateur mistake. He had blown Edward's cover. She whirled, giving Jacob her back. "You!" She screeched at the other vampire. "You kill my mate, I kill yours!"

Jacob knew Edward could be the perfect diversion, and took the opportunity to leap towards her, his human body phasing into his wolf form, his clothes shredding as he did so. A howl was ripped from his throat, and he closed the distance quickly. Victoria spun back around at the sound of Jacob's movements, and leaned down into a crouch, putting her hands up to defend herself. She dropped Bella in the process, and Edward flew forward to grab the unconscious body before she hit the ground, before disappearing back around the wall in the direction he had come.

Her red eyes darted between her two attackers for only a brief moment, as if to decide which was more important – her survival or her revenge. Reality reared it's ugly head at a Victoria, and she forgot about Bella, turning her attention back to the wolf. She leaned backwards as Jacob's large body collided with hers, kicking her legs up and over, her feet connecting with Jacob's ribcage and sending him flying backwards. He hit the roof with a thud, and the building shuddered with the impact, but if the wolf felt the crushing pain in his broken bones, he did not show it. Jacob only launched himself at her again, aiming lower this time, and his teeth closed around her leg. He snarled in victory, and yanked hard, disconnecting the icy appendage from her torso.

She shrieked in anger and reached towards his face, grabbed for his eyes, as if to pull them from their sockets. He snatched hold of one arm as it made its descent towards his head, and grabbed then the other, pulling them quickly from her body. She fell backwards, and struggled to get up again, fighting against gravity on her one good limb. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the separated limbs crawling across the gravel of the roof and he growled at them, a promise to burn them as soon as he was finished.

Victoria screamed at him, and the venom oozed from between her lips, her teeth snapping so hard that she tore at the skin around her mouth. "She's dead already, dog – you're too late! I may have lost this battle, but I won the war!"

Jacob roared at her, his anger and fury spilling from his lungs, and he opened his jaws wide, wrenching her head from between her shoulders before she could utter another word. He spit it out almost as quickly as he had removed it – her skin tasted vile, like death.

He wanted to take a moment, enjoy his triumph, but he knew there were more important things. His human brain chastised his wolf one, and the wolf moved quickly to gather to remains to be burned.

Once the pile was made, he phased back, choosing to ignore his nakedness and the pain in his chest for the moment. He searched the space around him frantically for the shreds of his pants. When he found them, Jacob sighed in relief, grateful that the ferocity of the change hadn't destroyed the matches that he had stored in the pocket.

He lit the stack of vampire parts, not giving a damn about the damage to the building. This neighborhood was better off without Victoria anyway. Jacob smiled a dark smile as the leech's skin caught, and a heavy, dark smoke began rise. The air around him fogged with the smell of burning flesh, but for once, he was pleased to relish in the scent of death.

A chorus of hisses and screeches broke him from his reverie and he realized that Edward was still in the building, and from the smell of things, he had met another vampire.

Phasing again, Jacob dove back into the building, his claws sliding along the laminated floors. It was difficult maneuvering in these small places, but he knew that he was better off in wolf form to help Edward than human. No matter how strong he was, Human Jacob was no match for a raging vampire.

He found Edward, Bella and another vampire on the third floor. His nails skidded along the laminate tiling as his body ground to a halt, recognizing Edward's attacker as the same vamp that had attacked him only a week before. The vampire had Edward pinned to the wall, and they were both straining, their arms wrapped around the others neck. The beast within him roared, distracting the blonde man momentarily, which was enough to gain Edward the upper hand. He shoved the vampire off of him, sending him flying into the plaster wall on the opposite side of the room.

"Get out!" Edward screamed at him, and Jacob was almost surprised by the twisted features of his former enemy. "Get Bella and leave! Do not wait for me!"

By this point, the blonde had bounced back from his slam into the wall and he launched himself at Edward again. Edward reacted, leaping at him, and they clashed in midair, the room echoing with a thundering crash. Their marbled hands clawed at each other, gripping and ripping and tearing at their enemy's iron flesh. Edward's jaws snapped dangerously close to the blonde's throat, straining to tear the head from the shoulders.

Jacob's huge body trembled, unsure whether he should trust his natural instinct and join the fight, or listen to his human logic and save Bella. He heard a whimper behind him, and he spun, his large wolf eyes finding the small frame of his love, curled into a ball in the corner. His decision made, he phased back instantly, completely unaware of his nakedness.

He scooped up Bella's limp body in his arms, racing to the exit. He paused when he reached the door, his gaze involuntarily moving back to Edward, who had the blonde vampire temporarily pinned down and he was unsuccessfully attempting to remove the head. "GO!" Edward screamed, without even looking up, and Jacob didn't hesitate this time.

He ran, naked, cradling the nearly lifeless body of Bella, into the darkness.

* * *

How he had made it back to the car without being stopped by the police or some other concerned citizen, Jacob wasn't sure, but he also didn't care. Holding Bella in one arm, he reached underneath the driver's side wheel well for the spare key he knew Edward had kept there for precisely this circumstance. He swiftly unlocked the doors, laying the still unconscious Bella in the front seat, making sure she was securely buckled in before carefully reclining the seat. Once he was sure she was as comfortable as he could make her, he reached into the back for his back, hopping into a pair of jeans before jumping into the front seat. As his hands slid over the carefully maintained interior, he normally would have been disgusted by the leech's Swedish piece of shit car, but today – today all he cared about was the 236 pounds of torque, the 277 horsepower, turbocharged engine and the fact that it would get them to the hospital _much_ faster than anything he owned.

He slammed the car into first gear, revving the engine viciously, causing the tires to squeal against the blacktop before it carried them off into the night.

All Jacob could do now was pray.

Pray that they had come in time.

Pray that the bitch hadn't infected Bella with her venom.

Jacob's hands were sweaty on the steering wheel, and he gripped it tightly, ignoring as it groaned in protest. He flew through red lights, ignored stop signs, and disobeyed speed limits, all of which earned him some not so friendly gestures and the occasionally horn honk. All he cared about was the red sign he knew was only miles ahead. He almost prayed a cop would pull him over – maybe that would get them there faster.

Taking the turn into the hospital entrance faster than he should have, Jacob stomped on the brakes as he wound the car into the oval at the door to the emergency room. He leapt from the car, not even bothering to turn it off, and raced around to the other side to retrieve Bella's cool, limp body.

"HELP ME!" He screamed as the automatic doors opened. His senses were assaulted by the pungent aroma of death, blood and industrial strength cleansers. It made him gag, and his knees trembled. A dozen nurses quickly surrounded him, yelling questions and directions in his face as they hurriedly put her on a gurney. He growled at them and reached for her again, but they dragged her away.

Jacob started to panic and that familiar red rage washed over him. He fought for control, terrified he would phase right there in the ER, but a small, warm hand patted his rather large upper arm. He spun in the direction of the touch, his eyes wide, his mouth dry from panting. It was a brunette nurse, and his anger faded a little – she was small and petite like Bella. He felt like a child, being comforted by a stranger. His shoulders sagged and he allowed himself to be guided to a chair that was much too small for his frame, but he gratefully accepted the chance to sit down.

Jacob felt like his body weighed hundreds of pounds, and his back hunched over, aching in pain from Victoria's kick and from the terrible fear that Bella would not recover. Thoughts raced through his brain faster than he could begin to understand them, but he couldn't stop his eyelids from closing. His adrenaline was quickly fading, and in its place was incredible exhaustion. His arms slowly raised up to place his elbows in his thighs, his hands cradling his face. He wanted to cry, to scream, to destroy something – anything to release all of these pent up anxieties.

But now all he could was wait. She was in the doctors' hands now. So instead, he stopped fighting the overwhelming agony his body was in, and he welcomed the silence of sleep, if only because there he could dream of his beautiful, healthy Bella….


	16. Too Late

**A/N: I apologize that this chapter has taken me so long. As I said in my last chapter, I just started working on my Masters and it's taking up a lot of my time. After next week, I have a week off, so I'll be looking to update at least twice that week, so please bear with me! I'm also working on a chapter for my other story, "WMO: To Iraq, With Love" so check that out too, if you want. It's a total lemon, if you appreciate that kind of thing.**

**Also, I have what seems like a BAJILLION people recieving alerts - SO I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE REVIEWS THAT ARE MORE THAT 3 WORDS.**

**Thanks for your cooperation.**

***hugs***

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_"Helpless, helpless  
What makes my wounded heart feel like this?  
Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you…"_

"Helpless" – Neon Trees

* * *

Jacob stared at the floor, his head in hands, as he contemplated the feeling of déjà vu that swept through him. It felt like a vicious never-ending cycle, this pain of his. He loved her, _God_, he loved her, and the sound of her slowly fading heart had burned an agony in his soul so deep, he doubted it would ever heal.

He wanted to be angry – he really did. It would be easier to embrace the rage, to let the deafening fury of his wolf drown him, but he was surprised how quiet his beast was tonight. He felt it, pacing softly inside him, as if it was as attune to the fear as he was. Jacob never really considered the wolf a separate part of him, but as he watched it stalk around in his subconscious, he wondered where he ended and his wolf began.

He sighed and adjusted the uncomfortable scrub top that the nurses had firmly requested that he put on. He would have normally been grateful for the offer, but apparently the hospital wasn't used to clothing werewolves over 6 feet tall, and the seams around his shoulders and upper chest were stretched to the limit, adding to the already enormous amount of discomfort he was already in.

His gaze turned to the clock on the wall and he barely squashed the urge to punch something when he noticed it had only been 4 minutes since the last time he had checked it. He assumed that Charlie had been called – somewhere amidst all the confusion, he had managed to tell the doctors who Bella was and how to contact her family. They had refused to tell him anything about her, and he'd even been questioned by the police for 45 minutes before he convinced them that if they'd only talk to Charlie, they would understand. However, it was only after they had finally ran her name through missing persons like he had suggested that they left him alone, but not with a warning to him that he was not to leave the hospital until they had finished conducting interviews.

Jacob wanted to laugh at them, because only God knew when Bella would be well enough to talk again. He felt like telling them that they didn't have anything to worry about – that there was no way in _HELL _that he was leaving without her. The last time he'd let her out of his sights she'd gone and gotten herself kidnapped by some insane vampire who had nearly killed her. Nope, _no fucking way _was she walking out of here without him glued to her side. He wasn't sure how pleased Charlie would be about it, but after everything that had happened, he really didn't care.

As he thought of Charlie, it occurred to Jacob that he hadn't yet called his dad.

"_Shit!_" He exclaimed, jumping out of the tiny chair where he had spent the last 3 hours. Every nurse behind the ER desk turned to stare at him. It only irritated him more when he felt himself starting to blush. "Sorry," he mumbled. He patted his pockets desperately, only to realize they were completely empty except for the car keys. "_Shit!_" he shouted again.

"Um, sir?" came the gruff voice of the security officer. The overweight man struggled to fold his arms over his bulging stomach in his pathetic attempt to intimidate Jake, despite the fact that he was easily 8 inches shorter.

Jake held up both hands in the air, as if to apologize for his behavior. "Sorry, officer," he said quietly, forcing his eyes to the floor. The last thing he wanted to do was act submissive for this joke of a cop, but he also knew that this man had the power to throw him out and keep him from being here when Bella woke up, so he struggled to keep his cool. "I'm just stressed out. My friend is in there, and no one will tell me anything… I'm just…" he blew out a breath and stopped talking, shifting back and forth on the balls of his feet uncomfortably.

He felt the officer relax, and in turn it relaxed him. Jacob rolled his shoulders in an effort to relieve some of the tension built up there, but it really didn't help. He felt the cop's meaty hand on his arm and he looked up in surprise. "I understand, son," the officer said, and Jacob squinted, reading the name on his badge.

_Kolchote._

Jacob raised one eyebrow and looked up to meet the officer's gaze. "Kolchote? Are you Makah?"

The guard's chest puffed out proudly. "On my father's side."

He really doubted the legitimacy of _that_ claim – the guard was whiter than a ghost, but Jacob wasn't going to argue with him. Instead, he plastered a fake smile on his face and decided to push his luck. "Oh, yeah? Our families are like neighbors, then! I'm from La Push!"

The guard's eyes narrowed slightly, and Jacob noticed a light sheen of sweat appear above his upper lip. "Oh… yeah? That's, uh, pretty coincidental. But, well, I don't live on the reservation."

Jacob forced back the urge to roll his eyes – _he could have guessed that_. He crossed his arms and managed to keep a pleasant look on his face. "Oh? How come?"

"Um, well, you know, the unemployment rate is so high there, and I wanted to put my kids in private school and transporting them would have been a mess-"

He stumbled over his words, and Jacob took the opportunity to interrupt. "Private schools? What's wrong with the Nea Bay schools?"

He fought not to smile when he saw the officer gulp hard and his eye began to twitch in nervousness, but then he coughed and gave Jacob an awkward smile. "Hey, why don't I go find out about your friend?" He offered Jacob a strange wink. "Maybe I can help you out."

Jacob slapped on another big fake smile and barely managed to keep from patting himself on the back in the process. "That would be really great, Officer Kolchote. Really, I would appreciate it."

As the officer waddled over to the main desk, Jacob suppressed a smirk. Either Kolchote lied about his heritage to ride the coattails of equal opportunity from his employer, or he was a closet racist and didn't want someone bigger than him finding out. Either way, Jacob didn't care, as long as it got him in to see Bella.

Jacob watched the officer point animatedly in his direction as he obviously worked to convince the nurse to break the rules and allow Jacob behind the "Authorized Only" door. Her expression changed from irritated to shocked and finally to sympathetic. Her bright green eyes moved to meet his dark brown ones and he fought back the burn under his eyelids as he saw her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

The unadulterated empathy on her face created a baseball-sized lump in his throat, and it made him want to gag. He clenched his hands into tight fists and fought against the slow, trembling fury. He didn't want her pity. It made him angry, made him want to tell the stupid cop to forget all about it. He would rather be ignored than treated like anyone's charity case. God hadn't bothered asking his opinion before sticking him with this shitty wolf gene. The leeches hadn't stopped to ask if they could live so close to his territory that they might as well have been living _on_ it. Bella hadn't asked him for his feelings before ripping out his heart and stomping on it. No one had given a shit before – who did this nurse think _she_ was?

A gentle voice broke into his thoughts, dispelling his quickly escalating rage. He blinked, and found that the green eyes were now only inches below his own. He swallowed thickly and choked out, "I'm sorry… what?"

She gave him a small pat on the arm, and he stared at her pale skin against his dark. She noticed his gaze and quickly removed her hand, as if startled by his reaction. "I'm sorry, sir," she mumbled quickly, and Jacob watched as a blush tinted her cheeks. "I was simply telling you that she's in room 147." She turned around and pointed at the entrance door that only moments before had been inaccessible to him. "If you wait just a second, I can go back behind the counter and hit the unlock button for you."

He could only nod, unable to speak. Jacob wanted to thank her, but he knew if he did, nothing would come out. But before he could stop himself, he reached out and grabbed her hand. She stopped suddenly, turning around to look at him; she looked uneasy. Her eyes shot back up to his face, her mouth opening to tell him something, but as their eyes met, her fearful expression melted away. She gave him a small smile and whispered softly, "You're welcome."

Jacob moved quickly across the room, and waited anxiously next to the locked doors that were between himself and Bella. His thumb nail managed to find its way into his mouth, and he gnawed on it nervously, ignoring the sting of pain when he ripped off a piece of cuticle. His feet began to roll unconsciously back and forth, from heel to toe, toe to heel, over and over. His eyes flitted from the door to the nurse and he started to feel like she was moving that slow on purpose.

Jacob fought back the growl that rolled around his chest. His anxieties were attempting to get the better of him, but he knew he had to have better control. His eyes drifted closed and he took a slow breath. _Bella… Bella… Bella…_

His eyes snapped open when he heard a click and a _whoosh_, signaling that the doors in front of him were beginning to open. He didn't bother waiting until the mechanical doors had drifted apart far enough for him to walk through – instead, he turned sideways just before stuffing his large body into the crack. He heard the doors groan in the process, but he ignored them, his mind consumed with finding her room.

All the hallways looked the same – white, empty, nondescript, and he found himself moving quickly, not knowing where he was going, while memories of Bella filled his head:

_Bella, making sand pies for me on First Beach, crying when I stomped on them…_

_Sneaking kisses in the backyard when we were 7, playing "doctor" when we were 10 and getting in trouble by Charlie for convincing Bella to lift her skirt… _

_Moping for days when Renee took Bella to Phoenix, knowing that our friendship would never be the same, despite our desperate plans to write letters every week…_

_How beautiful she looked her first day back, the look in her eyes when she saw that stupid red truck…_

_Bella in that blue dress at prom, her leg in a cast, the look in Cullen's eye when he saw me…_

_That night at the movies, when I knew that I could get her to love me…. _

Jacob blinked, fighting back the heavy pain of his memories, and realized his cheeks were hot with tears. He stopped, turned, and slumped against the hard white wall, not stopping until he was flush with the ground, his aching head in his hands. _Who are you kidding, anyway, Black?_ He growled to himself. _It's always been this way, you chasing her, you wanting her, you loving her_. _It's always been someone else, something else, somewhere else – why would this time be any different? Why are you setting yourself up for this kind of pain, over and over and over again?_ He felt his fist pounding the floor, and he welcomed the gentle sting of the tile against his skin as they cracked from his ministrations. It only fueled the anger. _She won't pick you. She won't. So why torture yourself? Those memories will come back soon enough and you'll have to face losing her all over again. Why are you so fucking stupid, huh? Glutton for punishment? _

A familiar sickly sweet scent filled his nostrils, shocking him out of his pity-induced haze and Jacob jerked his head up to find himself face to face with Edward. His jaw dropped open, he wasn't sure if he was surprised or relieved to see the leech.

The surprised expression of his former enemy brought a smile to the vampire's face. They just stared for a moment, golden eyes boring into chocolate ones, and both of them felt the juvenile need to not be the first to look away.

But Jacob was the one to speak first. "So, you're not dead… well… you're not- you know."

Edward laughed. "No. I suppose I'm not dismembered, if that's what you mean."

"Yeah, whatever," Jacob shrugged. "What happened, anyway?"

Edward's eyes narrowed momentarily, but then he smoothed away the expression, leaving his face as blank and unreadable as ever. "The whole building went up. He practically stopped resisting once he realized Victoria was dead. If I hadn't wanted to destroy him so much for what he did to Bella, I might have been sympathetic."

Jacob nodded slowly. "They just let me in, so I'm trying to find her room." Then his eyes widened. "How the fuck did you get in here so easily?"

"I told them I was Carlisle's son." Edward said softly. "I am sorry that you did not know he was here already. He arrived not long after you and Bella. He knew that we would come here if we found her – Alice had a vision of the battle between myself and the other vampire and knew that I had won, meaning that we had rescued Bella…" his voice trailed off. "Carlisle knew it meant she would need medical attention, and being that he took care of her after the accident, he felt it best that he was here to monitor her care."

Jacob nodded slowly, not completely understanding but not really caring either. He took a deep, shaky breath and exhaled. It shouldn't matter to him why or how Edward was here, but he found himself caring anyway. When he looked up again, he saw Edward studying what remained of the tile floor next to him. He laughed, but he knew it sounded bitter and acidic. "Yeah, got a little pissed off."

Edward raised an eyebrow, but didn't press the issue. "Would you like to go to her room?"

Jacob nodded, not really caring that he seemed much too eager. Now that Bella was safe, he didn't give a flying fuck what the leech thought of him. He stood and almost stumbled, cursing himself for being as awkward as a baby calf. "I guess I need to eat," he mumbled, chewing his lip to stop the angry string of obscenities thatthreatened to spill out.

"Let's check in on Bella, and then we can find you something to eat, if you'd like," Edward replied courteously, and Jacob practically snapped his neck trying to spin around to look at him.

"Why are you being so fucking nice to me?" He snapped out, folding his thick arms across his chest. "What the fuck is in it for you?"

Edward rolled his eyes and Jacob gritted his teeth, finding himself irritated all over again about the leech's asinine human fidgets. "Jacob, listen, I'm attempting to find some common ground with you, and you are making it rather difficult. I do not want to be friends with you, let me make that clear." Jacob snorted and frowned harder. Edward ignored him. "We are in a public place that is not our home, and Bella is in the ICU. I simply thought it best that we play nice for just a bit longer."

Jacob huffed and rolled his eyes, annoyed with his childish behavior and the fact that Edward was actually right. "Yeah, sure, I get it," He mumbled, uncrossing his arms. He flexed his hands awkwardly, desperate to dispel the pent up aggression inside him. "So…. Where's Bella's room?"

Edward nodded. "Alright then. It's down the hall, up the stairs and to the left." Jacob turned to head in the direction Edward had indicated, but halted when the vampire grabbed his arm. He couldn't stop the growl that leaked from his chest, but Edward ignored the instinctual behavior. "Jacob…wait."

The dejected tone of his voice caught Jacob off guard, it scared him, and the air caught in his lungs. "What?" he whispered, and the sound was strangled to his ears. "What's wrong?"

Edward sighed. "She's in the ICU."

Jacob nodded once, still not understanding. "And…?" He wasn't stupid, but he hadn't been a doctor for a century either.

"She's…very sick, Jacob." Edward's eyes clouded with grief, and Jacob felt his heart constrict in his chest. "They don't know…if…"

_She might not live_.

The words slammed around Jacob's brain, sending burning echoes straight to his heart. He fought to remain upright, but he felt himself sway. He reached out, finding the wall again, and he leaned against it for support. _They hadn't been quick enough. They had been so busy fighting that… it was too late._

"What's wrong?" He finally choked out, his vision blurred and his heart pounded so quickly that he was afraid it would explode inside his chest.

"She has a very severe infection from the cuts Victoria inflicted. They've been pumping her with antibiotics, but she is dehydrated and she was deprived of food and kept in very unsanitary conditions. She has a high fever and it hasn't responded to medication. They are giving her chilled liquids and are using a cooling blanket but…" His voice trailed off again.

Jacob was silent for a moment, and his exhausted brain struggled to process the information. He wouldn't survive if Bella died, he knew that. His heart may continue to beat, but he wasn't sure if a heart once shattered into a million pieces could still function. She was like air, like sunlight, and he _needed_ her. "So what now?" he finally asked, his voice barely a whisper.

"There's…more," Edward replied, and his tone was heavy with sadness. "They've found…a blood clot."

Jacob's eyes snapped open in disbelief. "A blood clot?" he ground out through gritted teeth. He shook his head, hard, fiercely hoping that it was all a dream. "How did they find that?"

"Carlisle insisted on a brain scan. She was non-responsive in the ER and he was concerned." Edward sighed again, dragging one hand through his tangled bronze hair. "Turns out there has been a slow bleed since… the accident. He believes that's why she's been having so much trouble recovering her memories."

Jacob gaped at him, unable to comprehend what he had just said. It seemed impossible – how had the doctors missed that? How had she gone to her follow-up appointments and functioned normally while her brain was bleeding? It didn't make any sense to him and it only fueled his fury. "What the fuck, Cullen?" he growled. "How the hell did Dr. Vamp miss that? Hasn't he had, like, a fucking century of practicing medicine and he misses a damn brain bleed?" He raked one hand through his hair, and gripped it tightly, as if to keep himself from physically lashing out. "Are you fucking kidding me with this shit, Cullen?" He finally spat out, his face now mottled with rage.

Edward focused his gaze down the hall and away from the shaking werewolf next to him. He knew that Jacob had the control to keep from phasing in the middle of a very public place, so instead he continued the conversation. "Jacob, I can understand your anger – I hope you believe that I share it with you – but Carlisle was not the only doctor that worked with Bella after her accident. In fact, another neurologist, one from this hospital, consulted on the case and stated to Carlisle that he saw no disruption in her brain function."

Jacob groaned in frustration. "So, then, what the fuck? How is this conversation helpful?"

"I'm just trying to inform you of the situation," Edward's tone was clipped and full of irritation, sadness and defeat. "Would you have rather I did not tell you?"

Jacob sucked in a deep breath at the implication. Did it feel better, knowing? Of course not, but how could he have dealt, not knowing? He shook his head, and another low growl slipped out in frustration. "Fine." he grumbled, finally releasing his hair from the death grip he had had on it. "What now?"

Edward shrugged, and it came across as a helpless gesture. "I do not know. I wish had that answer for you, but I do not."

And just as suddenly, the fury drained away and Jacob sagged harder against the wall. He felt empty, broken, damaged. He wanted to be angry with Bella for not choosing him, but in the end, it almost didn't matter. He loved her with every cell, every pore, every fiber of his being, and he couldn't simply turn off the feelings because they were not returned. He knew that his return to the friendship category was inevitable, but he didn't have the fight left in him to care. It was pointless to pretend that his heart didn't ache every time she spoke of Cullen, that he didn't feel like crying each time she left his house to go to Edward. He couldn't be without her – the last few days had proved that much to him.

And the frustration just compounded it all. He hated the life that genetics had condemned him to – he knew the natural path his life would have taken without all the supernatural bullshit. He remembered how easy his life used to be, and he would have dropped everything to go back to it – even for just one day. But he couldn't and he had to make peace with it. He was Alpha now, and he had to care for more than just himself. He couldn't make himself stop loving Bella – but he could let go of the anger and resentment he felt over the unrequited feelings.

He knew that it might condemn him to a life of loneliness, anger and regret, but it wasn't worth fighting anymore. With all the lies he already he had to tell to the ones he loved, he didn't feel like adding himself to the list. He couldn't ignore his own heart anymore – at some point he was going to have to deal with it, and he might as well start now. Jacob knew that Bella was going to need as much help as she could get, and he might as well continue to hide the pain, just as he always had.

So instead of throwing a punch at the leech in front of him like he had so desperately wanted to only moments before, he closed his eyes and took another deep breath. He held it, waiting, calming, meditating, before releasing it and returning his gaze to Edward's. "I'd like to see her now," he said simply.

Edward nodded, understanding, but said, "She's not awake yet, Jacob."

"I don't care," Jacob whispered, finally able to pull himself away from the wall. "I _need_ to see her." Their eyes met again, and Jacob watched the flicker of jealously and uncertainty flare in the vampire's eyes, but he did not acknowledge it.

Edward flinched as recognition flitted through Jacob's eyes, and he was irritated at his inability to hide his expression, but he, too, chose to ignore it. He silently cursed himself for being so open with his feelings with the wolf, but he chalked it up to his emotional exhaustion. With a flick of his wrist, he motioned for Jacob to follow him down the hall.

They moved silently, the two predators, but their thoughts were focused only on the girl in room 147. Both terrified, both quiet, both stricken with grief. It was not enough to know that she was alive – it would only be enough when they could hold her once again. But the fear remained, because both understood the distinct possibility that she might never wake up.

And _that_…was an outcome that not even the supernatural could comprehend.


	17. Waking Up

**A/N: i am so sorry for the delay. i've been working on this chapter for what feels like forever - i only had a little bit of time here and there to work on it, so i apologize!**

**please please please forgive me, and please review!**

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_Your time is running out  
You should have known better__  
Only you can save you now__  
But you won't remember  
So who's going to save you now?_

"God Wears Gucci" - blessthefall

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Jacob did his best to prepare himself before entering her room – he had seen her in the hospital before, after the accident, hooked up to tubes and wires, her pale skin all bruised and torn from the flying glass and crushed metal. But when his eyes took in the sight before him, it took every ounce of his self control to keep from killing someone right then and there.

She looked fragile, brittle, vulnerable, as if Victoria hadn't just drained her of most of her blood, but of her very life force. Her skin appeared paper thin, waxy, almost translucent. Her eyes were rimmed in deep circles, as if the leech had also used her face as a punching bag. Her hair was thin, dirty and stuck in patches to her head. Thankfully, they had dressed her in a hospital gown and covered her with a blanket, but Jacob knew that long scratches traced every groove of her lower limbs. His gaze fell to the thick gauze bandages that had been wrapped around her wrists and he fought back the urge to gag as he thought of Victoria sinking her long claws into Bella's skin. It sickened him to know that the leech had tortured her for the several days it had taken him and Edward to find her.

It angered him to think that if they had only gotten their shit together sooner, they might have found her days ago, that she wouldn't have had to endure this agony. But what enraged him more was the fact that it was her involvement with Edward that had started this whole mess. If the Cullens had just left her alone, she _would_ have loved him. They had been friends for most of their lives, and if this supernatural shit hadn't gotten in the way, life would have brought them together anyway.

He watched the ventilator pump air into her lungs and the IV as it slowly dripped in the blood and medication her damaged body so badly needed. Jacob felt his skin tremble with the desire to touch her, hold her, take all the pain away, but he knew now that he had done all that he could.

Jacob allowed his large feet to carry him to her bedside, and he sank heavily into the closest chair. His hand reached out before he could stop it, but he paused within millimeters of her skin. He was afraid of her delicate body, terrified that he might only hurt her more.

"It's ok to touch her, Jacob," came Edward's silky smooth voice, and it made Jacob flinch involuntarily. He yanked his hand backwards and forced it into his pants pocket. He couldn't deny the urge to caress her skin with his fingertips, but he also realized that he needed to keep his distance.

"I'll wait," was Jacob's cold reply. "But I'll be here when the time comes." Edward hesitated, and Jacob could practically feel the vampire weigh his options. He heard Edward's teeth open, then snap together again. When he heard Edward open and close his mouth a second time, Jacob snarled in frustration and whipped his head around. "What do you want, now, Cullen?"

"I'm sorry," Edward said apologetically. "If you would like, I can leave you alone with her for awhile." Jacob nodded stiffly. "I will be back later, but I am sure that Charlie will be here very shortly, so you are warned."

Jacob nodded again, and then sighed in relief as he heard the door open and shut. He took a deep breath, thankful to be breathing air that was not tainted with the stench of vampire, but as he leaned closer to Bella, he realized her skin still held the odor faintly. He wrinkled his nose, but did not move away.

His eyes drifted back down to her hands, and the tingling desire to hold her returned to his fingertips. He clenched his hands into fists in his pockets and instead pulled the chair closer to her bed.

Jacob watched her chest move up and down in a rhythmic manner, and he closed his eyes, listening to the faint thudding of her heart. It was weak, he knew, because it was not the strong sound he was so used to hearing. But it was still there, and he felt thankful for that.

Opening his eyes again, he was surprised by the overwhelming urge to talk to her. He turned around to see if anyone else was in the room, feeling slightly strange for talking to someone that obviously could not hear him, but he figured it couldn't hurt. He had things he _needed_ to tell her, and he doubted if he would be able to get everything off his chest when she awoke. "Bella…" he whispered softly. "I don't think that you can hear me… but…. I wanted you to know that I'm here. You're here. In the hospital. You're safe now, I promise."

He looked around again to ensure they were alone before continuing. "Victoria and her partner are dead… Edward and I… took care of it." He blew out his breath, almost chuckling. "How strange, right? Edward and me, working together." But then his eyes narrowed and he shook his head. "It wasn't by choice, trust me. And it wasn't easy either. But…" He struggled to find the right words. "But you're safe, and that's all that matters."

Settling back into his seat, Jacob continued to talk. "I don't know what I would have done if Victoria had…" He swallowed thickly, coughing against the words he knew that he had to say. "You know what I mean. Anyway…. " His voice trailed off again and he wondered how much to explain to her. "You know… there's something I need to tell you, and I don't know if I can't tell you when you're awake and staring at me with those beautiful eyes and interrupting me and distracting me and…"

He sighed and jerked his right hand out of his pocket, unable to continue without touching her, assuring himself that she was, indeed, alive. "Bells… You have to know that I love you. I've loved you for as long as I can remember, and sometimes I think even before that. You're it for me – I haven't even bothered to look at another girl. I can't…" he shook his head, changing his mind. "_I won't_ just sit by and let you _change_ for him," Jacob gritted his teeth against the new wave of anger that rose in his chest. "I love you too much for that. You don't have to _choose_ me… you just can't… choose _that_." He took reached out towards her with one trembling finger, tracing the soft curve of her cheekbone, down her jawline. "If you want to live out the rest of your life in the arms of another man, I promise that I won't stop you. I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. I've realized that I can handle being your second choice, being forever stuck in the friend category." Tears pooled in his dark eyes and he fought them, willing them to dry up in his sockets, refusing to blink and allow them to spill down his cheeks. "_But you have to live, Bella_," he whispered fiercely, and he bit his lip, struggling to keep the pain out of his voice. "You don't get to just decide to die, Bella. I won't let you do that. I can survive, knowing that you're out there somewhere, having babies and growing old, but I _will not_ let you be one of them. _Do you hear me_?" he ground out, his teeth tightly clenched. "_I won't let you_."

The steady stream of words finally stopped, and Jacob bowed his head, unable to hold back the hot stream of tears that flowed down his russet cheeks. He wanted her to hear him, to understand, to change her mind, to finally _get it_, but he wasn't sure if she ever would. She had known the truth, even before the accident, and how she could convince herself that vampirism was some kind of _virtue_, he would never understand. But Edward had given his word, and Jacob would make sure the entire pack kept him to it.

Bella finally had the choices that Jacob had wished for her – her mind was a clean slate, and there was no supernatural voodoo to cloud her judgment. A very small part of him was still hopeful that she would choose _him_ this time instead of the leech, but he squashed it deep down into the dark recesses of his heart – if he allowed that hope to live and grow, it would only destroy him, and he owed it to the pack to be better than that. He couldn't allow Bella Swan to rule his life anymore, no matter how much he loved her. The very small "if" in their relationship was not enough to come between himself and his people – he had to be the man his mother had dreamed he could become.

He raised his head again to watch as her eyelids twitched with REM sleep and he briefly wondered what it was she was dreaming about. But then he sighed – did it matter anyway? She was alive, and now the only person that could save Bella Swan was Bella Swan. It was out of his hands – he loved her, and that was the only thing he had left to give. He was empty, destroyed, torn apart, but he could still love her.

But that was it.

Jacob heard the click of the handle mechanism on the door and he turned to see Charlie framed by the light of the hallway. "Hey, Charlie," he said softly.

But Charlie's eyes only saw his daughter.

Jacob felt like a voyeur as he watched a myriad of emotions cross the older man's face, and he felt that familiar pain tug at his heart. This agony was such a private thing, and he did not want to intrude any longer. He started to stand, to leave Charlie alone with Bella, but Charlie held up one hand, gesturing for Jacob to sit again.

Jacob watched as Charlie slowly crossed the room to sit in the chair opposite him. No words were said, and Charlie let his quiet tears speak for him. Jacob pulled his gaze away, attempting to leave Charlie alone with his thoughts, but the throat clearing that followed told Jacob that Charlie had other ideas.

"So…" Charlie began slowly, his gruff voice softer than usual. "You and Edward…"

Jacob nodded, unsure how else to respond.

"Do I want to know?" Charlie finally asked, the questions obvious in his eyes.

Jacob shook his head. Now _that_ was a story he would never tell anyone, especially Bella's father and the Police Chief of Forks.

Charlie grunted. "Well, she's safe now, so I can't ask for much for than that." Jacob heard him take a deep breath. "Can I assume that everything's been taken care of?"

Jacob's mouth fell open in shock. Was Charlie asking him if Bella's kidnappers were…? "Um, what do you mean, Charlie?" Jacob managed to croak out. "I'm not sure I understand.

Charlie grunted again. "You're not stupid, boy. Just answer the question. Promise me that _everything_ has been taken care of. I'd hate to think I'd have to go back out there, and… _clean up_," he emphasized, raising his eyebrows meaningfully.

Jacob coughed, nearly choking on his own spit. "Um, no, Charlie. Everything is fine, I promise."

"Humph…" Charlie muttered, crossing his arms over his chest, but the hard look on his face softened. "I want to thank you, then, Jacob-"

Jacob cut him off before this conversation went farther than he felt comfortable with. "Just don't, Charlie, ok? I appreciate the sentiment, but just… _don't._" He knew that killing vampires and protecting people was supposed to be the reason behind his wolfy existence, but it made him sick to think of Charlie actually thanking him for killing another creature, no matter how much that creature had deserved it. He was tired of normal people being dragged into this unholy supernatural mess – it was bad enough that Bella was involved – the last thing he needed was to have to worry about Charlie, too.

Charlie nodded, breaking off their eye contact. "I spoke with Carlise," he said softly, changing the subject. Jacob sucked in a breath and held it, afraid of what he was about to hear. "He said that… Bella is septic – she has a blood infection. He said it started as an infection around the wounds on her wrist… a staph infection. And… the repeated cuts to her skin infected the blood stream."

Jacob's brows drew together in thought. "So… she has MRSA?"

Charlie shook his head, holding up his hands in defeat. "I'm not sure I understand either, but she hasn't shown much improvement in the last few hours, although he said the medication can take some time. But she has a very high fever, increased heart and respiratory rate, and a high white blood cell count." His eyes slowly closed again, and Jacob heard him take a deep breath, and when he spoke again, his voice was trembling. "But Jacob… they found a blood clot…. In her brain. They can't treat it until they treat the infection, or…" his voice trailed off and Jacob assumed the worse.

Charlie cleared his throat again, and Jacob watched him blink heavily against the water in his eyes. "Um, Jacob, would you… mind…"

Jacob nodded vigorously, standing. "Of course, Charlie. Take all the time you need. I'll be right down the hall if you need anything."

Charlie nodded back, just one tilt of the head, but Jacob felt the effort that the small gesture took. He looked back down at her, one more time, reluctant to leave her alone, but knew that if he had his choice, Charlie would be the best one.

Jacob walked out of the room, and down the hall to the waiting room, feeling an almost irresistible urge to turn around and go back. He was terrified about leaving her unprotected again, and foolishly, he felt like he was the best one suited to do the job. It was irrational, he knew, but the desire to protect was laced into his DNA, and it wasn't an instinct that was difficult to ignore. Silencing the screaming voice that shouted at him to turn around, he slowly walked down the hallway, searching for the waiting room. It was when he smelled the distinct aroma of leech that he knew that he had found it.

He turned to his right and found Edward in a small room, full of uncomfortably tiny chairs and an impossibly small TV with a picture so fuzzy that even his wolf eyes could not determine the show it played. He picked a seat on the floor next to the window, leaning his broad back against the stiff couch behind him. His eyes shifted to the creature sitting only a few feet away, watching Edward as he pretended to read an ancient edition of _Time_ magazine. It never ceased to amaze him how easily the vampire pretended to be human – his chest moved up and down easily, mimicking the rhythmic beat of the human heart, he blinked at fairly even intervals and he shifted his weight occasionally, regularly enough to the casual observer that it appeared like a very natural movement.

"Can I ask what it is that I am doing that is so fascinating to you, wolf?" Edward said softly, his eyes never leaving the page he was pretending to read.

Jacob shrugged. "I know that you answered my questions already about your human gestures, but I just can't get over how easily you pretend."

Edward's dark brows drew together as his eyes left the page to study Jacob's face. "I'm sorry if my behavior disturbs you, but I do not wish to leave the hospital until Bella has recovered. "

"Really?" Jacob snorted, rolling his eyes. "Couldn't figure that one out."

Edward's eyes narrowed in irritation. "I have done my very best to be cordial with you, but you insist on testing my patience. I would appreciate if you would extend me the same respect."

A low growl rumbled deep in Jacob's chest. "I would like to remind _you_, that the reason I don't like you is built into my DNA. I really don't have a choice in the matter, although I wouldn't like you _anyway_, even if we didn't have this _thing-_" One large hand gestured between them. "influencing my emotions."

"And what is it, exactly, that you find so offensive about my presence, Jacob?" Edward asked, the tone of his voice acidic. "I know that dogs are very base creatures, but I imagine that you are still capable of intellectual reflection.

Jacob actually laughed. He was surprised that after all of this time that the leech still didn't have a clue. "Fine. You want to talk to me like I'm an idiot?" he sneered. "I find your predilection for the consumption of human blood rather unsavory. I believe your habits are disturbing and nauseating in the simplest of terms – you describe yourself as a vegetarian, when in fact you are a predator in the worse way imaginable. You have used your charms to convince Bella that your detrimental fascination with her blood is _love, _when in all actuality, you have manipulated her into being your subservient _pet_. And if you're a believer in Freudian theory, you have used her Electra Complex against her, having somehow persuaded her that you are _actually_ deserving of her time, love, energy… _life…_" He emphasized the last word, letting all of his hate for the ridiculously pathetic creature seated across from him. "And how could I forget…? The most important point…" His lips curled into a snarl, his vocabulary of intelligent words suddenly forgotten. "You fucking sparkle, you douchebag. What the fuck is that about?"

Edward's eyes had slowly darkened as the harsh words had poured from Jacob's mouth, and felt the wood of the chair arms splintered as he had gripped them to the point of destruction. His iron body was completely froze, so still in fact, that if unless someone had been watching the rage as it swirled in his eyes, they might have believe him a statue. But as Jacob's final question rolled through his brain, he could help the ridiculous bark of laughter that shot out of his mouth. Jacob's eyebrows shot up in surprise, expecting fury instead of laughter, and it almost embarrassed him to think that his question had been more amusing than he had planned.

"I'm sorry, Jacob," Edward murmuring, wiping his cold palms along his icy cheeks as if to smooth away that laugh lines that lingered there. "That was not a question I was expecting to hear you say." But this the smile vanished almost as suddenly as it had appeared. "Given the circumstances, I'm going to apologize for my thoughtless insult a few moments ago, and I will assume that you feel the same." He raised an eyebrow at Jacob questioningly, but the wolf looked away. Edward sighed and continued. "To answer your question about our skin-" The corners of his mouth tugged up again.

"I suppose there are a few ways that you could interpret the answer. The first is the obvious, scientific explanation. When a beam of light crosses the boundary between a vacuum and another medium, the wavelength of the light changes, but the frequency remains constant. If the beam of light is not normal to the boundary, the change in wavelength results in a change in the direction of the beam, causing refraction." His golden gaze turned back to Jacob, who struggled to not look confused. Edward laughed lightly. "Like when you see rainbows in a glass prism." Jacob's expression cleared and he coughed when he felt the blush rise in his cheeks.

"To continue," Edward said, looking out the window at the sun. "Glass, for instance, has a higher refractive index than air. When the light passes through, a phenomenon known as dispersion occurs. The components of the white light are refracted at different angles, and the colors are the separations of the light that you see." He took a deep breath and looked at Jacob, who nodded. "I believe that refraction occurs when the sunlight hits our skin because our skin has a different genetic make-up than yours. This would make us appear-" he raised his hands and make finger quotes in the air. "- as you say, 'sparkly'." He lowered his hands and his gaze moved away from Jacob's, back to the window, and his voice deepened, the tone of his voice hardening. "However, it could also be assumed, as the world's best predator, that we are meant to be beautiful, that everything about me invites you in…. To attract our prey, perhaps we are designed to resemble items that humans typically find so appealing… like diamonds."

Jacob snorted and it caused Edward's head spin back towards him immediately. Jacob rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, leech, but there's nothing about you that invites me to be anywhere remotely close to you."

"Believe me, wolf, the feeling is mutual," Edward murmured in reply, the corner of his lips turning up again.

Charlie chose that moment to interrupt their rather awkward game of male bonding. "I'm going downstairs to eat. I haven't had a bite since sometime yesterday." His eyes flicked between the pair before settling on Jacob. "Jake, will you please come sit with her?" Jacob nodded, and a grim smile slid across his face. It was juvenile to feel pleased at being chosen over Edward, but he was only 17 and really didn't give a shit what was mature and what wasn't. "Sure thing, Charlie," he replied softly, and left the waiting room without a backwards glance.

When he entered Bella's room, he found a nurse by her bed, working with the tubes and needles in her arms. Jacob swallowed the growl that rose in this throat and instead said, "How is she doing?"

The nurse looked up and gave him a small smile. "Her vitals have not improved much in the last few hours, but her fever has not increased, so I suppose we can take that as a good sign."

Jacob swallowed again, but this time it was to push down the lump of tears that threatened to surface. "Is she going to wake up?" He was afraid to ask, but needed to.

The nurse shrugged. "She is not on medication to keep her asleep, so I believe she will wake when her body is ready to." She smiled again, but it didn't reach her eyes. She gathered her equipment and patted his arm as she walked passed.

He sank back down into the chair by the bed, taking her frail hand in his. He leaned towards her, his lips grazing against her cheek. "Please, Bells…" he murmured softly, pleading with her. "Please wake up. I'm right here. _Please, Bells_? I'll do anything you want, be anyone that you need, but I can't survive without you…"

He sighed, watching her face. Of course that wouldn't work. Wishful thinking didn't have magical powers. But that didn't stop him from wanting to be closer to her, feeling her faint heartbeat inside her chest, her sweet breath fluttering faintly against his face. He could hold her, keep her warm, remind her that no matter where she had disappeared to, that he would be here when she woke up.

Jacob leaned back, adjusting the handrail so that it was flush with the mattress. He carefully lifted the tubing, maneuvering himself around it until his large body was folded around her smaller one. He slid one thick arm underneath her neck, cradling her closer. He couldn't stop the sigh that slipped out of lips as she settled against him. _God_, how he had missed her.

"I love you, honey," he whispered to her, and then his eyes closed. And then he let sleep consume him, too exhausted to fight anymore.

* * *

Jacob awoke with a start. The room was sheathed in darkness, the only illumination the soft light above her bed. He blinked, his sharp eyes scanning the room, but he saw nothing. His upper body moved gently away from the mattress, and he disentangled himself carefully, not wanting to accidently hurt Bella. He had just lifted the last tube when he heard his name.

"_Jacob_…" the sound was soft, hoarse, and the most beautiful thing that he had ever heard.

His neck jerked his head around so quickly he felt his tendons crack in protest, and he looked down, his heart almost giving out when he realized her soft brown eyes were staring up him.

"_Bella…_" he gasped, and he couldn't stop his hand from reaching down to stroke her cheek, almost terrified that he would discover he was dreaming.

"Thank you…" she managed, and her tongue darted out to moisten her cracked lips. He turned awkwardly on the sheets, reaching for her cup of water. He held the straw up, and he smiled as she gulped it greedily. She sighed, and her eyes closed for a half second before reopening to gaze at him. "Jake…?" her voice was quiet, confused.

"Yes, honey?" He asked hopefully. His heart was full to bursting, overflowing with all of the things he had always wanted to say to her, but in the moment, it was all he could to stop himself from kissing her until they were both breathless.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked quietly, and her eyes were full of pain.

His brows knit together in puzzlement. "What are you talking about, Bells?" he asked, a deep pit of dread pooling in his stomach.

She sighed, and a small tear leaked from one eye. "You should have told me… it was wrong to keep it from me. I… trusted you more than _him_."

His chest tightened and Jacob forgot how to breathe. "Told you what, honey?" He choked out, but the answer was obvious.

Bella turned her head to look up at him again, wincing with the effort it took. "I always knew, Jacob, even when I forgot." Her delicate hand rose off the bed, and one trembling finger traced the contours of his bronze cheek. "But the accident gave me the opportunity to… learn things."

"Like what?" he said softly.

She gave him a painful smile. "Now I know that _you_ would never hurt me…"

Her voice trailed off, and she waited for him to understand. Bella felt overwhelmed by the sensation that she only have moments left, that she had to make it _see_ before it was all over. She wouldn't be allowed to stay – she knew that now. But he _would_ know before it took her.

Recognition hit him like a 10 ton truck, and he felt like his lungs would collapse under the weight of it. "_Bella…_" he breathed, and he lowered his face to hers, capturing her tiny, cool lips with his warm ones. She gasped, her upper body rising up off of the sheets to be closer to him.

It was agonizing and freeing, this kiss, but it was also desperate and fleeting. As quickly as it began, she pulled back, and he groaned at the loss of her. "_Please_…" he moaned softly, his handsome features twisted with disappointment and fear.

To his complete surprise, her brown eyes filled with tears, and he felt her fingers trembling on his cheek. "I'm sorry, Jake…" she whispered, and her hand fell away.

"Bella…" he started to say, his tone full of dread. The hair on the back of his neck tingling, and he felt the growl, low in his abdomen, the danger obvious to his wolf.

But then he could not but watch as her eyes rolled back in her head, her spine stiffened, sending her torso rising upwards in jerky motions, her limbs rigid and flailing. Her body swelled with convulsions, and she began to make a sickening choking noise.

He was pushed to the side as the medical personnel flooded the room. The doctors and nurses surrounded her bed, shouting orders to one another.

"She's having a seizure!"

"Someone get the crash cart!"

"Hold on her on side! Keep her still!"

"Nurse! Give me Klonopin – we need to stop this seizure, now!"

"She needs entubated - she's aspirating!"

"Page Dr. Stevens! This could be the clot rupturing!"

"...aneurysm..."

"... low BP..."

"...erratic heartbeat..."

"Where is Dr. Stevens?"

Jacob managed to position himself in the corner, wedging himself between the wall and the window, but he couldn't see anything because of all the doctors. Tears flooded his eyes and he knew he could only blame himself. He slowly sunk to the floor, burying his head in his hands. His large frame trembled in fear, his shoulders shaking with heavy sobs.

And now all he could was pray.


	18. The Truth

**A/N: This chapter just flowed the other night, so I had it beta-ed yesterday, by my "rawesome" lady Taylor'sLizzie, so I hope that you enjoy!**

**I've been getting some fantastic comments, but I know there are those of you out there still not reviewing! (insert sad face here). Please let me know that you're enjoying it!**

**BTW – the **_**italics**_** in the first person tense are Bella's thoughts. The regular font, of course, is back to the third person tense the way the rest of the story has been.**

**And I know that I don't call either Jake or Bella by name in this chapter, but it just seemed to fit her state of mind.**

**

* * *

**

Sometimes I'm a selfish fake  
You're always a true friend  
And I don't deserve you  
'Cause I'm not there for you  
Please forgive me again  
I wanna be there for you  
Someone you can come to  
Runs deeper than my bones  
I wanna be there for you  
I wanna be there for you…

Flyleaf – "There for You"

_

* * *

_

I no longer felt like I was sleeping, but my body knew it wasn't awake. I opened my eyes to find him looking down at me, and his smile made me smile too. He was beautiful, and a warm blush crept across my cheek; I felt ridiculously blind for not having noticed it before now. I had been stupid, I had known that... But I almost wondered if it mattered, now – because he loved me too. And wasn't that the most important thing?

_I wanted to say something to him, but my mouth wouldn't open – there were no words. What we felt was too pure, too perfect, to be tainted by the messy act of speech. _

_It was easier to just to feel._

_He leaned closer to me, and I realized that he was going to kiss me. And I swore to myself that this time, I wasn't going to stop him. I craved him, and my skin felt alive simply because he was near me. His warmth was irresistible, and I felt my breath catch in my throat as he moved towards me. My body hummed in anticipation, and I never could have imagined feeling this way – and he had yet to even touch me._

_His mouth was hot, soft and better than I could have ever imagined. His lips were full, plump; had I been capable of it, I might have moaned, so overwhelmed by the taste of his skin against mine. His flavor had an ethereal quality, and I realized that if sunshine was edible, this is how it would have tasted. He touched me delicately, as if I would break, but I could still feel the passion – it was palpable in his fingertips as they grazed my cheek. He was warm, so warm, and I was dizzy with the effort it took to keep from swallowing him whole. I felt the strange desire to crawl inside of him, like I could live there forever, and never run the risk of actually losing him._

_My world felt fuzzy and soft, liquid around the edges, and I wondered briefly if I was in heaven. But the heat of his mouth on mine told me that I was someplace much, much better._

_He was a part of me now – this was a fact I could no longer refute. I had lived in a state of denial for so many years, believing that I could actually talk myself out of loving him. Why I had been so afraid of my feelings for him, I could never explain – it was as easy as breathing. It was natural, instinctive, and he held a larger piece of my heart than I had ever given him credit for._

_It was easy to trick myself into thinking I had been in love with someone else. It's harder to admit the truth than it is to live a lie. I had believed that truly giving yourself over to another person meant exposing your very essence to vulnerability – that if I simply kept my soul hidden away in some secret box in the deep recesses of my body that I would never have to feel the pain of loss._

_But I had been wrong._

_He had been patient, despite his occasional outbursts that I suppose were meant to be convincing. But he had never given up, had never forgotten about me, no matter how much my actions had hurt him. I had wanted to believe that I didn't deserve him, that I should spend the rest of my life in atonement for the pain that I had caused him, but he refused to see it that way. He thought me beautiful, and the more times I heard him say it, the more I began to believe that it might actually be true._

_I had fought him, for most of my life. Fought against his warmth, his love, and the unavoidable truth of our destiny. But he was my one constant,, when nothing else was, even when we were miles apart. I had counted on him somehow, although it was not a concept that I could ever explain in words. I had always loved him. Before we had met, when we were simply tantalizing sparks of light on the subconscious of our mothers, I had loved the thought of him, the very existence of what could be him, and I was grateful that my brain had finally accepted what my heart had always known._

_I had wasted so much time, in trying to pretend. I could only hope that he would understand - that I had just been afraid. Afraid of the depth of my love for him – it had just seemed too easy. To love the same boy since birth. Our fathers made no secret of the fact that they were dying for us to be together, that we had been destined since the womb. Our mothers used to joke that they should have arranged our marriage then – that it would have made it easier on everyone. He had known it all along – I had not. _

_He had been the only right thing in all that I had done. I could barely look at him, because every time our eyes met, I knew that we'd make it anywhere, through anything, despite what life threw our way. He was an endless beam of light, and it was natural, authentic. I felt him in each heartbeat, his love giving me the power to survive when my body wanted nothing more than to surrender to the pain._

_He healed me, made me whole. The only thing stopping me from feeling this utter and whole satiation was…_

_Myself._

_He never tried to tell me what to do, how to feel, who to be… he called me honey, gave me the most affectionate, tightest, best hugs that could ever be imagined, and he kissed the top of my head. He made me feel happy, free, and like the teenager I was supposed to be, rather than the role of old woman that I had been playing. He was genuine, reliable, and the epitome of warmth. Had I never reached out and actually touched the silky steel of his skin, I might have believed I'd only dreamed him up. Sure, he had a temper, but it was offset by his passion for the ones he was loyal too. I'd tentatively placed myself in the category, but I should have known that he had put me there long before I'd even considered wanting a place in it. He knew me better than I knew myself, and while that thought should have made me feel exposed, it only made me feel more confident in his love. He was sensual, confident, buoyant, and he made me feel the same when I was with him. It was easy to be with him, to remember that I didn't need to drown in him just to love him._

* * *

"Bella…" There was a choked gasp, and she felt his warm tears against her cheeks, but her eyelids ached.

Solid weights held her eyes closed, and she wished she could comfort him somehow. Her body felt frozen, practically paralyzed. So instead she found herself listening to the steady hiss of his breath against her neck, the constant _thump_ of his heartbeat on his ribcage, and enjoying the warmth of his body as he covered her torso with his own.

"Please don't go," he mumbled, and the words were agonizing, heart-breaking. He sounded defeated, and she felt her chest constrict in pain to think of him so broken. She wanted him to know that she believed in him, knew how strong he was, but her throat was tight, dry, hollow.

"I can't survive without you," he continued, and his voice seemed hoarse from crying. "If there was anything I could do, to turn back time, to get to you sooner, to somehow save you from this. I feel like I've failed you, and I hate myself for it. I was supposed to be more than this for you." He sighed, and she felt another hot tear fall on her skin. It was so warm that she almost wondered if they were searing her flesh, burning her with the pain they contained.

"I know that I couldn't have prevented this…. Aneurysm…" his tongue was thick around the words, and he coughed, choking on the bitter bile in his throat. "But I could have stopped you from getting in the car that day." He sighed. She felt him shift against the bed, and imagined him running a large hand through his ragged hair. "But I was too angry, too pissed at the leec- Edward that I couldn't let go of the wolf long enough to think about what it was doing to you… And I'm sorry. I should have been a better friend than that."

She wanted to rise up off the bed at that moment, smack him, shake him, angered by his idiocy. _Didn't he know? Didn't he realize? _It was all her fault, just like always. She had _used_ him, taken and taken and taken, her typical modus operandi, and he gave and gave and gave. She was selfish, and had practically ruined him in the process. She had been foolish to leave, irrational to think that running away to other side of the world and putting herself in more danger was a good solution to all of her problems. She had walked out on him, abandoned him when he had been the most vulnerable to her actions, and she had done nothing to apologize upon her return.

But her own body betrayed her, and she was forced to lay there, motionless, while her heart screamed at her to do something, to save this man from his own guilt.

There was no one to blame for the car accident that day. And it hadn't created the problem – these issues had been hot and thick and terrible between them long before those moments. Despite the pain and suffering that had been caused by the amnesia, she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. She was _finally_ awake, aware of the world around her, and the deeply entrenched emotions that she had kept so carefully hidden.

She wanted him to know, wanted to shout it for anyone to hear – that she could finally love Jacob Black the way she was meant to. There could be no more hiding, no more waiting, and she was sick and tired of being the one that hurt him, that one that caused him to believe he was less of a man.

"I was wrong, I know that now," he sniffed, and she hated herself for allowing him to feel so much pain. "I just hope that one of these days… we can talk about all of this. Work it all out. You deserve more than what that bloodsu- Edward and I have put you through. I should have never demanded that you make a choice like that. It wasn't fair of me, and I know that now. I love you too much to hurt you, and I want you to know that it's going to be different now – that _I'm _going to be different." She felt him lean closer, his lips against her ear. "I _will_be the man that you deserve, Bella, if it's the last thing that I do," he whispered fiercely.

If she thought she had known anguish before, she had been wrong.

If she had control over herself, she would have screamed, she would have cried. Her shoulders would have shuddered with body-wracking sobs, and her chest would have ached with the effort. Tears would have streamed down her face until her eyes had swollen shut, her lungs tight from the harsh weeping. He was wrong, _so wrong_, and he didn't even know it. He had _saved_ her, in every sense of the word, and now she was terrified that she would never be able to tell him just how much she loved him.

"And even if you don't… _choose_ me… I want you to be happy. But _please_, Bells, for everyone's sake, don't _die…_" His voice broke, and the whisper of his sobs echoed in her brain, scorching every angle of her heart with his intense sorrow. "Not now, not later… You _deserve_ a long, happy, healthy life… and if I only had the strength, I would walk out of this room right now, so that you could be free, away from all of this insane supernatural bullshit." She heard him sigh again, and his weight shifted again, moving his lips from her ear to her cheek.

He was _so_ close, if only her lips could travel those few millimeters to his…

"But I can't," he murmured morosely. "I may be an Alpha werewolf, but I'm sure as hell not strong enough to leave you. I'll be your friend, I'll be your _very_ best friend, I'll be anything that you want me to be, just don't…" his voice trailed off, and she felt his chest quiver with a gentle chuckle. "I feel like I did when we were little, me begging you not to leave and go with Renee to Arizona. I crossed my heart, pinky swore, flat-out pleaded with you not to go…" he huffed out another soft, sweet breath, and she felt dizzy as its saccharine scent drifted into her nostrils. "I wanted to be angry with you, after you were gone… but my small little eyes just cried themselves to sleep every night for _weeks_. It was the worst pain I had ever felt until… well, 'til my mom…"

"I miss her so much sometimes, Bells… Billy is great to talk to, and all, he always has good advice, but when I need girl advice, the only woman I can think of is Emily, and you know, her and Sam…" he groaned a little, and she imagined that he was rolling his eyes. "I don't know… it's just not the same, you know?"

He continued to talk, but it began to sound fuzzy around the edges, far away. She felt the panic rise up in her stomach, in tight, torturous knots, and she fought it, fought to stay with him, here, in the now, but it gently tugged on her until his voice faded away…

_

* * *

_

I thought of my father, a man that I couldn't help but adore. I was a lot like him, and in that moment, I was grateful to have inherited his awkwardness, his loyalty and his inability to communicate. I hadn't always appreciated his love for me the way that I should have, nor paid attention to him when he had done his best to teach me about the ways of the world.

_He had told me once, after… __**after**__-after, when I had been broken, when I thought my heart would never be able to heal, that I needed to learn to love what was good for me… well, now I was sure, so sure, that I hadn't __**needed**__to learn anything – it was already right in front me. What was good for me was here, and he was real, and beautiful, and…__**human**__._

_It had never occurred to me what an important attribute that might be. But I hadn't actually__** wanted**__ to be a vampire – all I had actually wanted was to escape from myself. I believe now that my mother and father's lack of a relationship had effected more than I had ever dared to believe – and I wanted to be angry with them for messing me up, for teaching me to stay away from the man I loved, but there was no point now. I __**did**__love him, and as soon as I was able, I would start over, make it up to him…_

* * *

"Bella?" She heard his voice again, and had she been able, she might have swooned. Just his voice did things to her. She wanted to answer, desperately. But instead she lay there immobile, confused, and her revelation about her feelings were more than frightening.

"I wish you could hear me…" he whispered mournfully. "I'm doing all this talking, and it doesn't mean a thing."

_Oh, it does! It does!_ She wanted to scream at him.

She heard him take a deep, shaking breath, and for the first time, she realized that _he_ was afraid. "Bells… I should have told you a long time ago… but I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't want things between us to change… well, _I did_, but I didn't want it to be for the wrong reasons. I wanted you to be with me because _you_ wanted to be, and _not _because of some spooky woo-woo wolf shit." It made her nervous to hear him nervous, and she wished she could twist her fingers into the sheets, twitch her foot,_ anything_ to relieve her anxiety.

"_I imprinted_…" it shot from his lips with in fierce gasp. If she hadn't been paralyzed inside her own mind, she might have literally fallen apart. Her heart sputtered inside her chest, and her lungs felt frozen in place. Her brain screamed for oxygen and she fought a raging internal battle to keep the hot tears hidden under her eyelids.

"On _you_, Bells…" She felt his hand on her cheek, and she nearly whimpered in relief. But then confusion washed over her. _How was that even possible? Wouldn't I have known? _

"I know that doesn't make much sense to you," he continued softly, and one large finger drifted from her temple down her face, stroking the corner of her mouth,. "And I'm surprised I was able to hide it so well… _from everyone_." He laughed, but it sounded bitter and acerbic. "No one knew, not even Sam…" He trailed off then, and she felt an itch in her fingertips, begging with her body to let them touch his immaculate bronze skin.

"And now _you_ know how much I love you," he said, his voice still low and quiet, full of sadness and heavy with grief. "I can take solace in the fact that now you know you love me, too. That's all I needed to know, Bells." He stroked her hair, softly, brushing away the snarls she knew surrounded her face. "I promise I can make you happy… if you just get me a chance. But…" His breath blew out in a huff, and it tickled her cheek. In another lifetime, it would have been comforting. "I understand… if you don't choose me. And… and you don't have to, so no pressure, Bells, I promise."

_

* * *

_

With him, it was all about feeling. There was no need to think – I had done enough of that in my lifetime, and it had led me in the wrong direction too many times. I was ready to take the plunge, to be free, to be happy, as I had always wanted. I hadn't been prepared before – don't ask me why. It's one of those things that I don't think I would ever have the answer for. I needed to be in a place where I could accept myself for who I actually was – perhaps I needed a slightly unhealthy, unbalanced relationship to teach what I should have been looking for all along – I was just lucky enough that the guy to show me the right way had been waiting in the wings for me.

_I had been taught that I was fragile, and that I needed someone in my life to take care of me, as if I were not capable of it on my own. But he had shown me differently – that I was strong, that I was brilliant, and that I could make my own choices, and survive long enough to live with the consequences. He had not drugged me with ideas and promises of mystical faraway lands that didn't really exist – he gave me breath, sunshine, and life. _

_With him I realized that I did not need to be coddled, or taken care of, although I was sure there would be times in the future where he would find the need to do both – but not because I required it, but simply because I desired it. I had often found myself wondering if it was true: this concept of soulmates. Now I knew – I was just a part of the puzzle, and he was simply the other piece, the other half to our whole. _

_I used to think that he needed someone stronger than me. Someone that could be the right kind of mate for an Alpha male. His aggression surprised me, his dominance aroused me, and his confidence scared me. I didn't think that I could be the kind of woman that he needed, but his endless determination to prove me wrong was beginning to have an effect on me…_

_His tongue played lightly with my lower lip, and I gasped, his intense heat bringing me out of my debilitating thoughts. It was almost like a burning agony, this slow, sensuous kiss. But it was **him**, just like everything else had been. His heat slid through my veins like molten lava, melting my insides until I was completely pliable in his competent hands. I was putty, I was supple, and I would have been happy to do whatever he wanted._

_I opened my mouth with a sigh, begging for his entrance, and he did not disappoint. He lapped languidly along the inside of my teeth, and I felt a searing ache in my chest; I recognized the fire of his name, as it was branded across my heart… _

_I am what he is, and he is what I've always dreamt of becoming. I have not been the best person. I have been selfish, misdirected and clumsy more times that I would ever care to admit, but he has forgiven me my mistakes, and I have struggled to accept that I deserve such love. He is without definition, without equal. I would never find a better man if I lived a thousand years._


	19. Closed Doors and Opened Windows

**A/N: I'm SO excited about this chapter! I've had it done for a few days now, but my "r-awesome" beta, TaylorsLizzie, was sick. Poor Girl. I sent her virtual soup and she was able to pull through! Yea!**

**This is the last bit of angst – for a little while away – so please enjoy and if you don't leave me some love, I might have to threaten to never write again.**

**Which would never happen, but please, don't make me feel sad and unloved. I love you – I'm posting this, right?**

**Just think about it….**

**

* * *

**

"When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window…"

– Maria, _The Sound of Music_

_

* * *

_

_It's a shame that it had to be this way  
It's not enough to say I'm sorry  
It's not enough to say I'm sorry  
Maybe I'm to blame  
Or maybe we're the same  
But either way I can't breathe  
Either way I can't breathe  
All I had to say is goodbye  
We're better off this way  
We're better off this way…_

Secondhand Serenade - "Goodbye"

* * *

She awoke slowly, fighting away the cobwebs that had grown thick in her skull. Was it real this time? Was she truly the owner of her body again?

Bella felt her fingers twitch as icy ones gripped them. She tested her hand again, and was beyond thrilled when she felt it obey.

"Hello, my love," came a musical voice, and she knew it was Edward. A sense of fear and disappointment settled into her stomach, causing her to wonder why she would be frustrated that _he_ was the one at her bedside; but she pushed the thought away almost as quickly as it had come.

_I wish it were Jacob_.

Bella forced her thick eyelids open, and her vision was cloudy, bleary with sleep. "Hey," she managed to croak out, and she licked her dry lips.

A cup and a straw appeared in front of her mouth, and she was almost startled. _Vampires_, she reminded herself ruefully. Her eyes opened wide and her gaze flicked to him in shock.

_She remembered._

"You're a vampire," she blurted out. He chuckled a twinkling laugh and her hands flew up to cover her flaming cheeks. "I'm sorry," she murmured, her body hot with embarrassment.

"Don't apologize, love," he said softly, nudging the straw to her lips. She took a few careful swallows and gave him a grateful look. "I am pleased that your memories have returned to you." He placed the cup back on the tray table next to her bed. "I feared that the rupture of the aneurysm would negate all of your progress. I am glad that instead it cleared your mind of the fog it was under."

She forced back a grimace at his elegant words, and she found herself surprised by her reaction. Before, his pretty language had dazzled her. Perhaps her realizations about Jacob had also cleared her mind of the spell he had somehow placed on her.

Bella tested her muscles slowly and found that she was _sore_. Her face contorted with pain, and she flinched when his frozen hands wrapped around her waist to help lift her into a sitting position. He took them away from her quickly, the hurt evident in his eyes.

"Edward…" she sighed, and her words trailed off. She didn't know where to begin, but she knew she had to say something _now_, before she lost her courage. Bella may have realized that she didn't care for him the way she had believed, but she didn't want to cause him pain either. There was just no reason to lie to herself anymore. Her life was fragile, and it was too brief to waste any more of it. Their eyes met, and he pulled away from her slowly, rising to stand next to her bed.

He gave her a gentle smile. "You don't have to say it, love," he returned softly. "I know things are different between us now. I felt it that night after I took you home from the bonfire." He sighed softly. "It just… wasn't like it was before." Her eyes roamed his face, and she noticed he looked drained, almost exhausted, which seemed strange for a man who couldn't sleep. He took her small hand in his, and it took everything she had to keep from shivering at his cold skin. He still deserved her respect, and she refused to break his heart further by rejecting his touch.

"I don't want you to feel bad for the way our relationship has turned out, my love. I never expected to have this time with you, and I am grateful to whatever Gods may still listen that I experienced this with you." He smiled again, and it was confident and easy, but she could still see the lie that it covered. "I have spoken with my family. Once you are well enough to return home, we plan to travel to Italy for awhile. We are hoping that our presence there will sooth the Volturi. Once we explain your accident and the amnesia, Carlisle believes that they will accept our wish to leave you as human." He shrugged and allowed their hands to drift apart.

Bella willed away the tears that hovered just below the surface of her eyes. She refused to cry anymore – she had cried enough over these last months. "Thank you, Edward," she said softly, unsure of what else to say.

"I only want the best for you, my love," he replied, his voice laced with compassion, love, acceptance, and heartbreak. "But it is time that we move on. My family will miss you, and I… _we_ would like to visit… from time to time, if that is acceptable to you."

She nodded vigorously. "Of course it is," she insisted. "I will always love you, Edward." He flinched at her choice of words, and she felt a ball of sadness collect in her throat. "Please believe that. I just… there's so much I can't give up to be with you… I hope you can understand. My dad needs me, Renee needs me…" Her voice trailed off.

"Jacob needs you, too," he finished for her. Her eyes flew up to meet his and he nodded sadly. "I always knew that you loved him, Bella. Even when you didn't. I knew that eventually the time would come when you would realize it, and that it would end our relationship." He laughed quietly, but it sounded very bitter to her ears. "I desperately wanted eternity with you, but I knew that it was not the future for you. Why do you think I fought so hard to keep you human?" His fingers traced lazy, icy circles on the top of her hand. "You would regret not being with him. His thoughts about you have betrayed him more times than he would care to admit – I know that you were destined to be his mate, and I have worked hard to convince my heart that this is your true path."

He sighed and she watched the emotions that danced across his perfectly sculpted features. "I am glad that we were able to have this closure with one another." He smiled again and reached up to stroke her cheek gently. "I will always love you, but it is time that I move on and let you live the life you were supposed to have." Edward leaned forward and placed his marble lips on her forehead. She closed her eyes, and the traitorous tears spilled out from beneath her eyelids. "Goodbye, my love."

He stepped away from the bed, turning to leave, but her right hand shot out to grab his wrist. He stopped, and slowly spun back towards her, his eyes wide with surprise. "I'll always love you, Edward. I'm just sorry it wasn't the kind of love you were hoping for."

"Don't be sorry," he murmured. "It was more than I could have ever dreamed of. I did not deserve this happiness – I am only grateful to have been on the receiving end of your love, no matter how brief."

He kissed her hand for what may have been the last time, his golden eyes meeting hers. She let him carefully lay her palm back on the mattress. "I love you," he said gently.

"I love you too," she whispered back. Edward turned away from her then, and she watched him move towards the door. The tears flowed faster now, and while it hurt to see him go, her heart pounded in eagerness. She could be with Jacob now – she could love him the way that he deserved.

Neither of them anticipated the thunderous bang of the opening door. Neither of them knew that Jacob was on the other side. Whether it was because they had been too distracted by their own sadness or because they had been too busy saying goodbye, neither of them expected the angry entrance of a rather furious teenaged werewolf.

Edward froze in shock, his body tensing as his mind was suddenly bombarded by Jacob's infuriated thoughts. "Jacob-" he began, but a hot fist flew inches from Edward's face, abruptly ending the conversation.

Edward jumped back, his supernatural speed carrying him away from the intense physical reaction of the large man that now filled the entryway. The offending blow landed in the drywall and Bella gasped, suddenly afraid that she would not get the reunion with Jacob that she had hoped for. "Jacob!" She shouted, yanking back her sheets to run to him. She had to stop this, had to make him understand that Edward was _leaving_, that they would finally be able to be together. She had planned on telling him when they were alone, but apparently the wolf wasn't waiting for the "right" moment.

"Stay in bed," Edward commanded from next to her, and she jumped in surprise as she realized he was standing next to her again, his cold hands forcing her back against the mattress. "You're going to rip out your IVs." She smacked at his hands in vain, desperate to get across the room to Jacob.

"Oh, look at the pretty picture," Jacob snarled from the doorway. Bella's mouth fell open. She hadn't expected this kind of greeting from him. "The vamp girl and her leech back together again." She became practically dizzy with confusion as her mind fought to make sense of what he was saying. _Back together again? _

Then it hit her. Jacob had overheard their conversation and misunderstood what she had meant when she had told Edward that she loved him. "And they all lived happily ever after." He laughed acidly. His shoulders were tight with tension and he trembled with the effort it took to keep from phasing and killing the pair right then and there. He shook his head violently, as if to clear their painful conversation from his memories.

"No, Jacob!" she cried pleadingly. "You don't-"

He threw up one hand in her direction, like he was blocking her words from his ears. "I don't want to hear it, Bells," he whispered brokenly. Her heart soared momentarily as he used her beloved nickname. But then, his tear-filled eyes met hers, and those hopes were instantly crushed. "My heart just can't take it anymore." With that, he turned and left the room, his hand slapping viciously against the wood door as he vanished into the hallway.

"Jacob!" she wailed, and her body curled in on itself, melting painfully into the thin hospital-issue mattress.

Edward rubbed her back soothingly. "It's ok, love," he said softly, his cold hand tracing the lines of her shoulders carefully. "He'll be back. He just misunderstood – but he can't stay away from you long, I promise."

"Just go, Edward," she ground out harshly, and she immediately felt bad for taking her anger out on him.

Bella opened her mouth to apologize, her face still buried in her pillow, but he spoke again before she could. "Don't worry about me, love," he replied quietly, and she heard rustling as he reached down and covered her shaking body with the blanket. "Please call if you need anything. We'll always be here for you, no matter what."

At that moment, she wanted to be angry. She didn't want Edward making promises about future reunions. She didn't want him reassuring her that there was nothing to apologize for. She was tired of always being the one in the wrong, of always being the way to break both of their hearts. She was weak and selfish, and it was infuriating to know that no matter what good intentions she had, she continually made horrific mistakes that hurt the ones she loved most.

But she sighed. It wasn't Edward's fault that she was such a moron. She lifted her head gingerly from the pillow and moved her head as carefully as she could, now all too aware of the pain that still lingered in her bones. But as she scanned the room, she realized that Edward was gone too.

And now she was alone.

The floodgates broke then, and she allowed her body to shake with the pent-up sobs. "No, no, no, no, no!" she moaned, and her lungs constricted painfully. She fought to breathe, but the agony was just too much. Her vision blurred with tears as her heart broke into a million pieces.

There might not be a way to fix this. She may have finally broken Jacob Black, the man that had done nothing but love her for his entire life. The man that stood by her while she continuously used and abused him. The man she had chosen over eternity with Edward. The man, she now realized, that she loved more than anything else in the entire world.

She knew in that moment, if Jacob never came back, she would never recover.

_

* * *

_

All those arrows you threw

_You threw them away  
You kept falling in love, then one day  
When you fell_

_You fell towards me  
When you crashed in the clouds_

_You found me…  
Oh, please don't go  
I want you so_

_For I lose control  
Get these left-handed lovers out of your way  
They look hopeful but you_

_You should not stay  
If you want me to break down and give you the keys  
I can do that but I can't let you leave…_

- Barcelona "Please Don't Go"

* * *

Mere seconds that seemed wrapped into days, weeks, even months later, she felt a sense of déjà vu – sleep was slipping away from her once more. But, this time, it wasn't ice that greeted her, when she awoke:

It was _**fire**__._

She was almost afraid to move, to acknowledge that she was awake. She didn't want _him_ to move – it terrified her though, to realize just how much she wanted him to _stay_.

It had all come down to this – She almost felt like laughing - that hysterical, out-of-control laughter that the insane often find themselves burdened with. It was one of those horrifying, endlessly traumatizing moments where it's everything and nothing all rolled into one. The finale, the climax, finally in sight and yet there is nowhere to go, no place to turn. There is no changing what had happened. The transformation was final, complete, absolute.

She knew in that moment that her life had irrevocably fallen into place - It was the beginning and the ending of her entire existence, her birth and her death all in one moment.

And she had yet to even open her eyes.

She felt his heartbeat stutter inside his warm chest, and she knew that he knew she was awake. But it was almost too much. She couldn't be afraid anymore – love had _finally_ found her, had stopped being this abstract, somewhere-out-there concept, and had become her anything and everything; Jacob had suddenly become her sole reason for breathing, for blinking, for_ living_.

Love was no longer this _thing_ that just _was_, to being everything that she was and all that she would ever become. Love was a living, breathing, growing, changing, evolving… _essence_. It was overwhelmingly wonderful and incredibly painful.

Bella fought to keep control over her own body. She was trembling – she could tell by the way his arms had tightened around her, the change in pressure practically immeasurable, but she knew him better than he could have ever imagined. He was afraid, and it was all her fault. She had emasculated him somehow, made him less than he was capable of being. She had made him wait, made him suffer, but she couldn't help the swirling echoes of betrayal as they raced through her body. She wanted to scream at him, _Where were you before? Why did it take you so long to find me...? This experience, though, this new concept of forever, it makes me afraid. I worry that I am not enough…. And it's confusing. Self-doubt is most certainly a new experience for me. But yet, I find myself loving you without reservation. This connection to you… that I am not afraid of. I fear… disappointing you. Do I deserve you? Am I worthy?_

But this was her moment. She had to make him see, and it had to be now. It was new, it was different, it was real, and way beyond supernatural.

"Jake?" She meant to sound confident, but it came out more like an awkward, choked gasp.

"Hey, Bells," he whispered, his voice husky and quiet.

"You… you're here," was all she could manage.

His body moved uncomfortably behind her, and he suddenly felt like a stalker for climbing into bed with her without asking first. She felt his hips shift and she reached back to grasp his waist to keep him in place. "Please don't leave," she pleaded, and she twisted awkwardly around in the small bed so that they were face to face.

Jacob couldn't stop his hand from slipping through the space between their bodies so that he could cup her cheeks in his large hands. "I won't ever leave you again, Bells," he swore, and his heart soared with joy when she smiled for him. "I'm sorry… for earlier." He dropped his gaze from her face, and she was surprised to see the skin of his face tinge with a blush.

"I just… Edward's…" she fumbled over her words. All she could think about was making sure that Jacob never left her side again. Now that she finally had the chance to tell him how she felt, she couldn't get the words out.

"Oh, honey," a grim smirk split his lips. "I shouldn't have done that. He's… it's just…" He blew out a frustrated sigh. "I know that you lo-love _him_, and I want you to know that I can be your friend. You deserve that much from me."

Her mouth dropped open. _He still didn't get it_. "Ja-"

"Shh.." He put a warm finger against her lips. "Let me just finish this, or I'll never be able to say it again. Just let me say it, ok?" Jacob looked so sad, and it broke her heart to see him this way. "I know that since the accident, things just haven't been the same, and I shouldn't have jumped on you earlier. He's your boyfriend – it's your life. I can't make your choices for you – But I just can't do _this_-" his large hand gestured between them. "-anymore. Not like this, anyway. If we're gonna be friends, that's fine – you just need to tell me you only want to be friends. I can handle it, I promise, but-"

"Shut up, Jacob." Bella said firmly, locking her gaze with his. "Stop talking."

His brows drew close together, his handsome face twisting in confusion. "Bells, I need to say this, Ok?"

"No," she reinterated. "You don't." And before her shyness could get the better of her, she snaked her free arm around his neck and yanked down his head. He allowed her to move him, her pressure pushing their faces closer together.

"Bells-" She silenced his mouth with her own, and she groaned into his lips as they touched for what was only the second time.

He froze for half a second, before the tension oozed out of him. Jacob didn't stop to question it, didn't stop to wonder why – all that mattered to him in that moment was the feeling of Bella's mouth on his. His large body shivered, her touch filling his veins with electricity. She tasted sweet, like honey and cinnamon. Her scent surrounded him, and he let himself drown in her tiny embrace. She was his entire universe, the very reason for his existence, and for the first time in his life, Jacob finally understood that she was _home_.

* * *

**now please please please leave the love...**


	20. Wonderwall

**A/N - I must apologize for how long this chapter has taken. I've honestly been working on this since chapter 19 went up in early December. It's come in bits and pieces and I'm very happy with it – but there are so many wonderful women to thank for it:**

**Pavarti, kennedymommy3, and Ynotjacob for pushing me with Writer's Challenges (you make me wanna be better! *hugs* I heart you); **

**TaylorsLizzie for always listening to me whine and taking time away from her busy life to read and offer feedback; **

**and then Shadowlynx for saving my butt and beta-ing the final product. **

**Love you Ladies – don't know where I'd be without you!**

**So finally: here's Bella and Jake's "big talk" about their kiss, and then some loving! (woohoo!) I'm so happy to finally have some goodness between them! I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

And all the roads we have to walk are winding  
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding  
There are many things that I would  
Like to say to you  
But I don't know how  
I said maybe,  
You're gonna be the one that saves me  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall  
Today was gonna be the day  
But they'll never bring it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you've gotta do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do  
About you now…

_Wonderwall_ - Ryan Adams

* * *

If Bella Swan had stopped to contemplate the Jacob-Black-inspired thoughts that were currently racing through her head, she might have been embarrassed by their intensity. His heat made her body tremble, and her insides had long since become shapeless puddles, like liquid lightening flowing under her skin. His large hands controlled her, his rough palms leaving goose bumps as they skimmed along the delicate ridges in her neck, to the firm lines of her shoulders, to the softness of her waist, pulling her hips into him. She gasped at the contact, her body automatically responding to the close proximity of his.

She shuddered, and the tension returned to his massive frame. But instead of pulling away, his fingers threaded through the silky strands of her hair, as if he were challenging her to attempt to escape their heady embrace. His mouth was hot and soft and for the first time, Bella realized that his kiss was not about _claiming_ her – it was much more than that. It was about finding equal footing, discovering a level playing field; they were a true mated pair, and it was about realizing the truth, uncovering reality, _coming home_. This kiss, it was not about addiction or craving or obsession – it was about _want_, and Bella was overwhelmed by the simplicity of her desire for him.

She no longer desired perfection – for the very first time, she was _whole._

He watched as her eyes slid closed, her lips still parted, wet and swollen with the pressure of his kisses. Her lashes fluttered, as if in time to silent music – but then the tears glittered on her skin, and he realized she was crying. He didn't move to close the few inches of distance between them, as he couldn't help but be mesmerized by the soft dance of the crystal liquid that was gliding down her porcelain cheeks.

"Oh honey… I'm so sorry…" he whispered, and she winced at his defeat laced tone.

"No, Jacob!" she gasped as forcefully as she could. Her head shook as vigorously as she could make it.

"I don't have the words to explain it to you, and _God_, I wish I did, but I know that… it _can't_ be like it was with Ed- _him_." Her eyes opened again to see his brows draw together and the sadness creep into his expression. "No – that's not what I mean." She sighed, feeling frustrated with herself. "I don't _want_ it to be like it was with him. I mean… he loved me, I know that. But… I didn't need to be saved. I mean, there were times that I did, but not _that_ kind of saving. _He_ always thought that I needed to be rescued from myself, that I didn't know what was good for me, and it's not supposed to be like that. I want to be _me_, I want to know that I can take care of myself… and then, with the accident… I finally had the chance to look at _you_, and look at _him_, without anything else getting in the way." She sighed again and risked a glance into his eyes and saw the confusion there. "Am I making any sense here?"

He smiled a little ruefully. "I'm not sure what makes sense right now. But before we take this conversation any further – because I _desperately _want to hear what you have to say - can I say something first?" She nodded, sucking her lower lip in between her teeth, gnawing at it nervously. He chuckled softly. "Don't be scared, honey – I have some things I need you to know before you pour your heart out to me about _him_." She nodded again, still anxious, but he blew out a quiet breath and continued. "I just want you to love me." It was a simple statement, and it shouldn't have surprised her; that Jacob was able to take her breath away with just a few words. But he knew how to cut to the quick of her, how to force her to reach beyond her own boundaries. It was_ infuriating_, but so very _Jacob_.Bella blinked at him, her tongue lax in her mouth, completely unsure of how to respond to him. He smiled at her, and while it was sad, Bella also detected a sliver of hope, and it prompted her to attempt a small smile back at him. She felt his shoulders relax under her fingertips and she was glad that her tiny attempt at reassurance had worked.

"For awhile, I wondered if that was asking too much of you. Other times, it frustrated the hell out of me that you could be so damn blind to the fact that I've always been standing right in front of you. But now… I decided..._Shit._" He huffed out a breath and removed one hand from her waist to run it through his ragged hair. "Before you woke up, I told myself that I was going to let it all go, to be the friend that you needed. I thought I could forget about my anger, my resentment and my fears towards you and actually just be the buddy you'd always seemed to see in me." His eyes darkened and the muscle in his jaw jumped as his teeth ground together. "But you know what? _Fuck that_. I can't be your friend. I've been in love with you for so damn long that I can't even remember a time when I didn't love you. I deserve better than this, but I know I can't walk away from you. And I don't want to be mad anymore. What I want is an explanation. I mean, what the hell, Bella?" Her lower lip trembled and he fought the urge to take it all back, not wanting to hurt her, but he plowed ahead, knowing he would never find peace if he kept everything hidden away.

"Ever since you came to Forks, I've seen you look to others, not once taking care of yourself. You take care of Charlie all the time – which I know he appreciates. You've been wonderful for him. I haven't seen him this happy in years. But he's also your father." He raised an eyebrow at her meaningfully, and she looked away, knowing he was right. "I know that he's not that good with feelings, but he should be the one taking care of you. And I think he's realized that – how to be a good dad. Shit, Bells, you should have seen him while you were… _gone_. I thought he was going to fall apart, but he was so _strong_. That paternal side of him really came out – Billy and Sue were so proud of him. I was, too."

"And then Cullen." Bella's eyes snapped back to his face and she felt the beginnings of a glare form on her face. Jacob glared right back and she felt herself shrink under his gaze, unfamiliar with this side of him. "Now don't give me that look – I'm not going to say it. I think I've said how I felt about him enough times that you know it. We barely start becoming friends and suddenly you're so far up Cullens' ass that I started to wonder if you were planning on hibernating there for the goddamn winter, and just as fast, he's disappeared and you come running to me to pick up the pieces. I didn't mind being there for you honey, honest, I didn't. I was just happy to be a part of your life again." She felt the tears threaten against the surface of her eyes and she willed them away, trying desperately to stay strong – _she refused to be weak._

But then he wasn't looking at her anymore, his eyes locked on the wall above her head, focused on a place that was far away from her hospital room. "But you looked to him and his family for every part of your happiness – you forgot about me and the guys, and even your friends in Forks, like Angela. I know she's been asking for you – Charlie says she's been calling. Jessica, too – I know that you two haven't been the best of friends, but it sounds like she was worried."

"So many people care about you, Bells. As much shit as you've been through in the last year – I felt like you should know that. You're never alone… don't you ever forget that, either." She felt her heart constrict as Jacob's eyes welled with unshed tears, but he kept talking, as if he didn't even know they were there.

"But looking back on it, that point in our relationship wasn't very healthy. I mean, I was so damn excited that you wanted to be friends again that I let you walk all over me. I should have stood up for myself – asked you to be the kind of friend _I _needed and not just the little bit you felt like giving me." A blush rose in her cheeks, embarrassed at her insensitivity and selfishness. Bella knew she had mistreated him, but it was agonizing to hear Jacob describe it. As if he sensed her pain, he said gently, "But don't feel guilty, honey – that's not what I'm trying to do here. Our relationship has been rather… unbalanced… these last few months. But I don't want you to forget that it wasn't really fair of me to do what I did to you, either. Yes, you needed a friend, but I should have been helping _you_ learn how to put the pieces together, not being the one to do it for you. You needed to be strong – without me. You needed to be_ Bella_ without me – or Cullen."

Bella felt overwhelmed – this was not the way she had expected this conversation to go. She hadn't realized that Jacob had blamed so many of her mistakes on himself – when she truly didn't believe it was his fault at all. She opened her mouth to correct him, but he laid a soft finger against her lips, carefully shaking his head. _He wasn't finished. _"I want to be everything you have every wanted but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of an impossible choice – I've already given you everything that I am but I'm so afraid that it's not going to be enough for you. You've stretched me too thin – I love you, with every part of me. I'm not even sure where I end and you begin – but I've got to ask you this: is it enough? Am I enough for you? Just me – Jacob Black. There's only so much I can offer you – but it's all I've got left."

Bella's lungs felt tight. He sounded so heartbroken and it made her hate herself even more, and question whether or not she even had the right to ask to apologize to him. "I'll never have money like Cullen. I'm not going to be able to take you on fancy trips or shopping sprees. I can't buy you a big house or a Mercedes. But there is one thing that I can give you that _he_ can't – "

"_A life."_

"It won't be a perfect one. I'm not even going to pretend that it will be. But it will be _real_. I want to build a home for you – with my own two hands. I've been dreaming about a big living room so we can have the pack and their families there – for dinners and holidays and princess birthday parties. I want a large bathroom so you can take those long baths you like so much. I want the kind of kitchen my mom used to talk about – one where you can domesticate me and teach me how to cook so I can take care of _you_ sometimes." His words were filled with so much love that she felt like she was choking – but something about his tone also filled her with hope, with the conviction that they _would_ be happy, and that maybe, if he could love her _this much_, she could forgive _herself_.

"And then I want to build a family with you – little kids with your eyes and your smile and your dry sense of humor. They'll be beautiful and feisty and moody, and if they're anything like me – they'll be stubborn and loud and pushy, but damnit – they'll be _ours._"

Bella couldn't stop the smile that crept across her face. "Oh, _Jacob_," she breathed, and her small fingers reached for his cheeks.

He pulled back from her, his expression pained. "_Please_ don't," he croaked. "Just… _don't_. I can't do this with you looking at me like that." She nodded, trying to understand his frustration and ignore the shooting pain in her heart at his rejection. His breathing was ragged and she could feel him trembling against her. "I won't be able to handle it if you leave again. Last time… Italy… it wasn't, well… good, to say the least. I was so _furious_ with you. I thought you'd finally begun to realize that this whole 'us' thing wasn't as one-sided as you convinced yourself that it was. I was hoping, _God_, I was hoping, that you'd finally realized that you loved me too. And then you left. You couldn't have hurt me much more than if you'd ripped out my heart and stomped on it, right there, next to Pixie Leech's car." A mocking glare rose again on her face at the sound of his crude nickname for Alice, and it forced a small chuckle out of him. She smiled at him, pleased that she could still make him laugh. "Shit, sorry, _Alice_. Right." He smiled back at her, and for a few short seconds, she saw that familiar spark dancing in his ebony eyes, catching glimpses of the man he was _before_.

_**Before **_before.

But then the heartbroken, pleading look reappeared on his face. Jacob reached down to carefully pull her small body closer to him before his grip moved to her cheeks, his calloused palms cradling her delicate skin. His voice was husky, rumbling with hope and pain and need. His breath was sweet and hot against her skin and she closed her eyes, letting his earthy, saccharine scent surround her. _Pine, sunshine, salt…_

"_Please _tell me that I'm not crazy. I need to know that that kiss meant something to you, too. I'm so far gone on you, honey, that I'm not sure if I can find my way back. You're inside my veins, Bells, buried deep in every part of me. You're it for me – _screw the imprint_. I loved you the first time you flung mud in my hair – I haven't looked at another girl. That may sound pathetic or something, but _shit_ – if only I could make you _see_." She couldn't hold back the tears this time, feeling such intense relief her bones practically melted as the tension left her body. All the dust, ice, and stone that had been hiding her heart fell away, crashing painlessly into the depths of her soul and she was finally _free._ He made it _so easy_ – it would be simple to love him. It would be effortless and natural and real and it would be perfect in the most authentic way possible.

Taking a deep breath to steady her frazzled nerves, Bella realized in wonderment that she could _breathe_ for the first time in her life. It made her dizzy, her mind whirling with the heady intoxication of oxygen. It was almost unbearable, and she forced herself to take shallow gasps of air, bringing herself back down to earth, to focus carefully on what Jacob was saying, but she was so giddy she found it difficult to hide the slight trembling in her hands. She blinked, several times, watching as Jacob's handsome features sharpened and became clear in her vision again.

He was watching her, waiting expectantly, and she couldn't stop the smile that burst across her cheeks. He was _so _beautiful. "Have you ever just felt… like there's a part of you that's missing? That you're simply waiting? I feel like there's something that I should be doing, a place I should be heading to, but instead I feel utterly frozen. I am anxious and nervous and excited and I can't seem to get over how much I _miss_ you… when it was never you that left. There's been such a distance between us and I feel lonely with you just a few feet away. I'm floating out here, like gravity has somehow forgotten that I exist. I've never been so lost before, but I've realized that… I'm _glad_. I don't want to be _that_ girl anymore. I don't even know who _she_ was." Bella exclaimed desperately, her eyes searching his for understanding.

"I was wrong before – so utterly and completely wrong that I can never begin to explain it to you. I'm not sure if it was me, or if it was him – wait. No, it was me. This was all my fault. I let my head do all of my feeling and it took me to a place I never want to go again. I'm just so – stupid. But I can promise you this – you will never have to question my love for you again. If it's the last thing I do – I will prove to you that you're the only one I want to spend my life with. Did you hear me, Jake? _My life._" The words left her lips as a whispered, quiet prayer, anxiously hoping for acceptance, forgiveness and solace.

And he gave it, as he always would, his mouth descending to meet hers in an exchange of comfort, love and hope that they could now exist in a world that was honest, real and open to the possibility of life and all the joys and hardships that it entailed. His tongue stroked hers softly, and a small whimpering sound escaped her. Her insides felt coated with honey, all slick and soft and warm and sweet and everything she didn't know she could be. She found herself wanting to _touch_ him and get lost in the sensory experience that was their bodies and everything in between.

Jacob was the first to pull back, and her heart overflowed at the love in his eyes. "I'm yours, Isabella, always," he whispered gently, his thumbs rubbing soft circles on her heated cheeks. Bella nodded, a bit numbly, overjoyed and overwhelmed by their exchange. He chuckled softly. "Sleep now, honey. We'll talk more later." Her heavy eyes closed, and she felt his warm lips press a delicate kiss to her forehead. She snuggled deep into his chest, her ear cuddled above his heart, and let his gentle rhythm lull her into the most soothing sleep she had ever had.

* * *

No heels, no shirt, no skirt,  
All I'm in is just skin.  
No jeans, take 'em off,  
Wanna feel your skin.  
You a beast, oh,  
You know that I like that.  
Come on baby,  
All I wanna see you in is just skin…

_Skin_ - Rihanna

_

* * *

_

Oh god, oh god, I want you so much I can't even begin to describe it and yet I feel like this could be the strangest decision I've ever made in my whole life. How can one choice seem so right and wrong all at the same time? You make me feel **everything**, and I feel like you should have been the one to save me… and yet I can't decide whether or not I actually need saving anymore. I want to think that I've finally found myself, that I've dug my way out of this ridiculous hole I'd created. I don't know where it started or how I got here but I do know that I've finally realized that I don't have to drown in it anymore. I'm so relieved that you could be there, to watch and wait and remember and dream of me when I couldn't do the same for you. Why do you make me feel this way, why do make me feel this heat and this indecision and this effortless way of breathing? I don't need music to feel like dancing because you've created a pulse inside me that could not florish until the day you found me. It's a cold and broken hallelujah, but a joyous one all the same.

_I'm free – do you hear me?_

_I'm free._

_My body has been screaming – Come home, __**be**__ home, don't let it chase you away, don't let it scare you off. I ache, oh, how I ache… haven't you felt it, deep inside my soul? It's cracked, brittle and burned around the edges, swaying in the breezes like ashes of burnt paper and I'm ruined and off and bright and beautiful and I feel your innocence creeping under my fingernails. You make me tight and pulsing in places I hadn't known existed…_

_You make my head hurt, because I can __**feel**__ you inside me, melting into the cracks and crevices I thought I had filled and covered, and you're exposing my truths and all the disappointments I wanted to hide from you. It's __**always**__ been like this, between us, and now I see it too - that it wasn't __**me**__ who should have seen __**you**__, it's always been you who __**saw**__ me. _

_You - _

_- Jacob_.

* * *

A ragged gasp jolted her awake, her breathing heavy and deep. Her body felt swollen, languid, and Bella wondered a bit numbly if she was dreaming, but she was so _damn hot_.

Sweating.

She shifted against the sheets, feeling them cling to her warm thighs and her long hair was sticking to her scalp. As her skin slid along the cotton, she realized the radiating heat moved along her belly, from her waist to her hip, then resting softly against her stomach only to sink gently into the dip of her pelvis.

Bella froze.

A soft snuffling snore echoed in her ear and she realized that the source of discomfort was the large russet skinned man curled up next to her in what Bella now believed to be the smallest bed in the history of the world.

Intense, tantalizing fear gripped her, shallow breaths captivating her lungs. Bella quickly reassessed her body, taking note of the large hand that surrounded her left hip bone, while the other hand comfortably nestled between her thighs, inches from the one place on her body to remain completely untouched by a man. Her eyes slid carefully to the right, and seeing his sleeping face softened some of the tension in her shoulders.

_Oh God, Oh God…_ _Jake, hand, bed – Why am I not wearing more clothes?_ Bella's eyes widened in disbelief as she realized that she was wearing nothing more than a pair of cotton boyshorts and a tank top that accentuated more than it covered. She closed her eyes again, straining to recall how she came to be in such a compromising situation with a boy, who only days before, had confessed his everlasting, mystically induced love for her.

_Hospital… Charlie… car ride? _Bella's eyes flew open again as she remembered being released from the hospital earlier in the day. She had been so exhausted by the journey home that she had barely made it inside the house. Jake must have brought her upstairs to her room… but how did he wind up _in_ bed with her?

_His huge arms were wrapped around her, carrying her effortlessly up the stairs. She wrinkled her nose at the overwhelming heat in the room, her fuzzy gaze flicking to the sputtering radiator in the corner. "Window, Jake, hot," she managed to mumble incoherently, and Jake chuckled quietly. He placed her carefully down on the bed and then moved across the room to the window, sliding it open a few inches before turning to watch her haphazardly fling her bedding off the mattress. _

"_You're going to get cold, honey," he said thoughtfully as another blanket hit the floor._

"_I have you, don't I?" she said archly, and her drug-addled mind balked at her mouth's forwardness. She frowned to herself, unsure which parts of her body were still connected._

_Jake appeared just as shocked, his mouth falling open an inch or two before snapping shut again. "Uh, sure, honey – but I thought you'd want to sleep, or-"_

_She cut him off with a floppy wave of her hand. "Bed. Sleep. Jake, too." Her eyes were already half-closed, but she tugged at her pants as her back hit the mattress. "Help?" came her garbled plea, and she watched his skin flush pink beneath its' russet exterior as a few inches of her porcelain white hip came into view. _

"_Okay," he replied, but his voice sounded strangled. She heard his careful footsteps as they approached the bed, but she was feeling too uninhibited to care about the current state of her undress. She felt his warm fingers glide down her covered calves before gently sliding down her cotton pants. Bella gasped as contrasting temperature of her room and the breeze from window mingled against her skin, stimulating nerve endings she never knew had existed. _

_She heard Jacob's sharp intake of breath, and her foggy eyes opened to see his eyes dilate to an inky black pool of emotion her mind could not pinpoint in its' current foggy medically-induced euphoric haze. Bella felt her mouth open, her tongue working to formulate a somewhat coherent sentence, but her eyes closed against her will. Her head lolled to the side, her brain succumbing to the power of the sedatives she had consumed, seemingly anxious for any excuse to curb what was apt to be one of the most embarrassing and inspiring moments of her life…_

Bella winced at the memory of the unabashed disposal of her clothing. _It was the painkillers_, she attempted to rationalize, but she couldn't ignore the part of her brain that whispered it wasn't. It was difficult for her to admit just how _hot_ her best friend actually was. _Good grief!_ Bella gave herself a mental slap in the face. What was _wrong_ with her? She had technically been Edward's girlfriend up until a few days ago, and here she was, thinking inappropriate thoughts about a man she had once been firmly convinced was only her friend!

She had forced herself to ignore her attraction for Jacob, and it had worked for awhile, but then the heat crept further up her body as she recalled more than one dream that had involved her hot, _platonic_ friend. She had lain out _much _more tonight than she had ever intended, but she couldn't help but wonder if it was time to let go of her fears and _really _give her relationship with Jacob the effort it deserved. Edward was gone – she had practically _told_ him to leave – and here she was, panicking about sharing a bed with Jacob; an act she had so casually indulged in with Edward on numerous occasions.

Her eyes moved sideways again, and she felt a strange mixture of relief and disappointment flood her as she discovered that Jacob was still clothed in his typical uniform of cut-offs, and for Charlie's sake, an old t-shirt. Her gaze slid along the portion of his upper body that she could see from her current angle, lingering appreciatively on the solid mass of his biceps and defined curves of his chest.

She had seen Jacob sleep many times before, but that was _**before**_before. It was different this time. It felt _right_ to watch him now – _**before**_ she felt like an intruder, only watching from the shadows. But now she was much, _much_ deeper that she had ever imagined wanting to be, and it pleased her that the concept didn't frighten her.

His heavy breathing stuttered, as if he could somehow feel her gaze on him, and his thick fingers tightened on her hips. She clenched her lips together, fighting to keep in the hiss of air that threatened to escape. _He can't wake up __**now!**_Bella felt a wave of panic swell up in her throat as she watched him shift against the pillows. But then his breathing resumed its steady pattern and she sighed, easing the tightness from her lungs.

Her eyes refocused and she found herself studying him again, barely controlling the urge to reach up and slide her fingers along the silken hairs that had slipped over his eyes. _Why can't I want him?_ She wondered to herself. _Why am I so afraid to be physically close to him?_ Tactile affection was not new in their relationship; he had always been touching her, holding her hand, giving her hugs, kissing the top of her head, cuddling her against him when she felt cold. Did it mean more now simply because she had admitted to feeling more for him than just friendship? Or was it misdirected projection of Edward's prudish and careful ways? Could she be flirtatious and initiate intimacy between the two of them?

Bella felt her cheeks flush pink – and she desperately wanted to believe it was embarrassment induced, but she didn't have time to decide before she heard a sleepy, husky voice in her ear. "What are you thinking so hard about, honey?"

She let out a surprised squeak and yanked her hands free from his embrace to slap them over her face. Her face flooded red and this time she _knew_ it was from embarrassment.

Jacob laughed, and she felt its throaty tones tingle down her spine. She fought not to shiver, but she knew he had noticed when he asked, "Are you ok, honey? You aren't having chills, are you?" He began to lean away to examine her more thoroughly, when Bella's hand reached out to stop his movement, surprising them both completely.

"_Wait…_" she whispered. Before she could stop herself, her fingertips found the hem of his soft t-shirt. Bella's eyebrows raised in question, and he nodded wordlessly as he watched her hands disappear under the cotton. He felt her fingers hesitantly caress his hot skin, and his head fell back, his eyes closed, a soft _hiss_ slipping from between his lips.

Her fingers froze, and he felt her uncertainty. He lifted his head to gaze at her, his eyes hooded. "Don't stop," he murmured thickly, and his tone sent delicious tremors down her spine.

"Can you…" her tongue felt heavy in her month, and she couldn't finish the sentence. But he nodded his ascent, reaching down to tug his shirt over his shoulders, tossing it away, forgotten in the darkness of her bedroom.

"I just want..." she tried again, but found that there were no words to describe the fluid, sticky-sweet state of her body.

But he understood, relaxing against the mattress. His hands collected the comforter into his palms, as if to anchor himself in place. "It's just me, Bells," he whispered softly, his tone rough. "It's just skin, honey."

_Skin._ Her fingers resumed their journey, delicately tracing the grooves of his abdominals, reveling in his iron silk texture. She stroked him, gently, unabashedly attempting to memorize every inch of his glorious body. She felt him tremble beneath her touch, and it made her bold, traveling upwards to his pectorals. She found one dark nipple, and circled it with one finger, mesmerized as she felt it pebble under her ministrations. A strangled noise crept out of his throat. "Do you want me to…" she trailed off, afraid to ask, afraid of the answer.

"_God_, no, honey," he rumbled. "It's almost _too _good..." his hands flexed on the blanket, and her gaze slid down, realizing that the heavy fabric hid his lower half.

"_Oh_," she squeaked out, feeling the heat flooding her body. Her instinctive reactions were frightening – it had never been like this with _him_.

Bella felt his hand grasp her chin, turning her eyes to his. "Don't, honey," he commanded, his eyes dark and swirling. "Don't be afraid of me." She nodded, a bit dumbly, confused and uncertain and _swollen_.

She blinked, and then found their positions reversed, her on her back, his hips settled firmly between her knees. She gasped in surprise, never ceasing to be amazing by his supernatural speed. She heard him chuckle at her expense, and her hand swiped at him in the darkness, a gentle _smack_ as her palm found the heat of his chest. "My turn, honey," he whispered hoarsely, and Bella felt her heartbeat accelerate in anticipation. "Don't be afraid of me," he repeated, his large, warm fingers stroking delicate lines down her thighs. "It's just skin."

_Skin_.

"Close your eyes," he coaxed, and she obeyed, allowing her lids to close and her mind to focus on her tactile senses. He continued his gentle caresses, waiting for her body to calm under his touch. "Relax, Bells…" he murmured. "Relax…. It's just skin."

_Skin_.

She felt her spine melting into the mattress, willing her muscles to unclench, soaking in the warmth of his body against hers. His hands began to work, massaging lazy circles against her calves, tracing the sweet curves of her hips, tickling the softness of her belly. She gasped as his fingers moved upwards, sweeping the roundness of her torso, just avoiding the swells of her naked breasts.

_Skin._

He outlined each arc of her ribs, the dip of her belly button, the curl of her hip. Goose bumps rose across her tender flesh and she arched into his touch, anxious for more. She felt foggy, disconnected from her consciousness, separate from herself, distanced from her fears and anxieties.

"Oh, _Jake_," she breathed, and it was exhaled like a prayer, a dream, a disembodied voice that was carried away on the breeze, and it made him smile.

_Skin._


	21. A New Day

**AN: I am an epic fail at life. Forgive me for my horrific posting as of late. Like I said before, I'm taking master's classes, and then there was a death in the family, and we moved, and it's end of the year testing for my students at school... but I'm still an epic fail.**

**Now I must do the pimping:**

**Ynotjacob - You are my literary soulmate. I want to sit in your shower and cuddle with the babies. Just saying. You are amazing, and this chapter would NOT have happened without you.**

**Taylor'sLizzie - Thank you for pre-reading, as always. Love you, Loca.**

**I am Naranwien's FanFicBabyMama. Check out her work at www(.)fanfiction(.)net/u/2376201/naranwien. She's amazing and she twitter-tackles me everytime I'm online. I told her that I would pimp her out cause I heart her that much, so there you go. Seriously. Check her out.**

**Also - I'm definitely on Twitter now. Sometimes I just ramble about stupid crap, but other times I'll post teasers or info about updates. I'm on there as Goldengirl2707.**

**There you have it. Please read and review with all my apologies for being lame and allowing RL to control me.**

* * *

_And my mother's eyes are with me_

_In the chilly winds of autumn_

_If I ain't here by winter, she'll know why_

_I've seen all that I dare_

_I've seen more than my share_

_Forgive me if I stare with my mother's eyes…_

**Bette Midler – **_**My Mother's Eyes**_

* * *

Bella felt the morning sun on her face, taking in the bright spots of light on the back of her eyelids. It felt warm, perfect, and she momentarily basked in its glow. Sunshine was not a common occurrence in Forks, and for a fleeting moment, she wondered if it was a sign of good things to come.

Flashes of the night before suddenly seeped into her consciousness, and her eyes flew open. She felt the automatic blush creep onto her cheeks and she mentally prepared for Jake's teasing smile as her gaze slid sideways.

A strange mixture of relief and disappointment filled her, as she took in the rumpled, empty spot next to her. Her hand tentatively touched the sheet; it was cool – he hadn't been here for a while. She should have known that he wouldn't stay the whole night – he probably had to patrol, or at least check in with the pack. According to Charlie, he had spent all of her hospital stay curled up in a chair beside the bed, only leaving to go to the bathroom or to use the shower. He had at first refused to leave her bedside even to eat, until Charlie had finally broken down and brought food to the room. If Charlie hadn't understood Jacob's devotion to his daughter before then, he certainly did now.

Deciding that she should be grateful to have some alone time to think, Bella hesitantly tested her sore body, delicately stretching tight muscles that had seen little to no use over the last month. A hiss of a breath escaped her lips as she strained against the pain in her chest. Looking down, she stared at the deep purple marks that still painted much of her right shoulder, and she remembered the doctor describing the catheter that had been used to clear the bleeding in her brain.

She couldn't stop the shudder that ran down her spine as she gingerly touched the entry point along her collarbone. It terrified her to contemplate just how close she had come to death. The combination of the sepsis and aneurysm had almost ended her life, and she was quickly realizing just how much time she had wasted pining over her relationship with Edward.

While their relationship hadn't been perfect – she could honestly admit that to herself, now – he had certainly loved her. But she couldn't deny any longer that Jacob had been right. He _was_ her natural path, monsters and magic and all. She knew that Jacob would forsake the wolf as soon as he had the opportunity, but she couldn't help but love him for it anyway. The wolf really was a part of him, whether he wanted to believe it or not. Jacob had been strong, loyal, and protective long before the wolf had made its appearance – he was born for it, and she hoped he knew just how proud she was of him.

But, last night… the blush crept up into her cheeks again, and her eyes closed tight against the embarrassment. She couldn't believe just how forward she had been with him. While the amnesia had given her the opportunity to see how she had truly felt about him, she hadn't been prepared for how those feelings would mix with the existing ones once they returned. She _was_ in love with him, which now she was freely able to admit. But, the physical intimacy was still very scary.

It had almost seemed easier to try and push Edward's sexual boundaries, because something inside her had always known he would stop her, that he would never allow her to get close. There hadn't actually been any kind of _risk_ with Edward. But, with Jacob… it was _different_. Jacob _wanted_ to be close to her – he had never hidden that from her. She would be leaving herself open, would have to be vulnerable with him, and that thought terrified her.

A gentle knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. Bella frowned. Charlie should have left for work already, and Jacob would never knock. "Come in?" she called out hesitantly.

The wood separated from the frame as the door was pushed open, and she was beyond surprised to see Renee's head peek around the corner. "Mom!" she cried, wincing in pain as she attempted to shove herself away from the mattress.

"Oh, sweetie, you stay there," Renee admonished, crossing the room to the bed and pushing her gently down again.

"I didn't know you were here!" Bella replied softly, allowing her mother to fluff her pillows and rearrange her on the bed sheets.

Renee gave her a sweet smile and cuddled up next to her daughter on the small bed. "That's okay, honey. With everything that's been going on, I didn't expect you to realize I was still here." She gave Bella a conspiratorial glance. "Besides, you were a little out of it last night."

Bella groaned, clapping a palm to her heated forehead. "Don't remind me."

"Oh, honey, don't you worry about a thing," Renee murmured, rubbing a soothing hand down Bella's right arm. "We all say silly things when we're on painkillers. I'm sure Jake hardly remembers that you practically propositioned him before you passed out."

Bella's mouth fell open and she pushed the back of her head deeper into her pillow, praying it would just swallow her up. "Good grief!" she squawked, believing in that moment that she had never been more embarrassed in her entire life. "You _saw_ that?" Her face burned, and what she had secretly felt was a wonderful, _private _moment with Jacob was now _tainted_ by the fact they had never really been alone.

"No, honey!" Renee admonished, her hand gently slapping against Bella's upper arm. "I have better things to do than spy on my teenage daughter and her boyfriend. I came up to make sure Jacob didn't need any help getting you in bed." Her eyes crinkled in amusement. "Guess he didn't need help after all," she suggested with a wink. A strangled squeaking sound came out through Bella's nose and Renee laughed. "Don't worry about it," she said again. "I'm sure that Jacob appreciated the offer."

"Mom!" Bella groaned. "I didn't know what I was saying!"

She took a deep breath, attempting to will away the blush that threatened to set her whole body on fire. Renee had always been absurdly honest with her daughter while she was growing up, about what it meant to be a sexual being; although _Renee_ had always been the one sharing, while Bella sat quietly blushing furiously, and wishing that the ground would open up beneath her, taking her away from her mother's ramblings about what a quality physical relationship should _really_ be like. But _this_, however_,_ was different. Nowthey were talking about _Bella,_ instead of Renee, and Bella decided that she liked _this_ kind of conversation even _less_. "Besides… I don't think – I mean, I'm not… Jake and I – Ugh!"

Renee adjusted her body so that she could face Bella, and she gave her a suspicious look. "He's not pressuring you, is he, Bella?"

_Oh, yeah, __**definitely**__ more embarrassed now._ "NO!" Bella practically shouted, yanking the covers viciously over her face. "Jake's _not_ like that, Mom!"

Though she couldn't see her mother's face, Bella could practically _feel_ Renee's thoughtful gaze on her. "You know, sweetie, there _are_ ways to please a man that don't involve intercourse."

"_Mooooom_!" Bella moaned. She _definitely_ did not need to hear this conversation.

Renee tsked her gently. "I'm serious, Bella. I know that we've had this talk before, but now that you're growing up and becoming a woman – and goodness only knows that Jake is undoubtedly a virile man... I mean, have you _seen_ the size of those muscles? - it's only natural to have these kinds of urges-"

Struggling to contain the tears of humiliation that threatened to spill from her eyes, Bella threw the covers away from her face. "It's not like that with Jake, _okay_?"

"Good," replied Renee, with a smile. "But that doesn't mean it won't be someday, and I'd rather you hear this from me than from one of your girlfriends. I know how you teenagers experiment these days, and there's _nothing_ wrong with that – but you should be _safe_," She raised her eyebrows at Bella meaningfully, as if to emphasize her point.

Bella clamped her eyes shut and managed to spit out, "That's not even what I'm worried about, Mom."

Shock replaced the teasing expression on Renee's face. "What do you mean, honey? Is there something else going on that I should know about?"

Bella sighed. How could she explain how she felt about Jake without sounding like an idiot? It didn't make sense in her own head, much less when she tried to verbalize it. "I, uh… kind of realized that I didn't, uh, _love_ Edward the way I lo-loved Jake. I mean, I cared about Edward and everything, but I was so afraid of Jake that I couldn't make any sense of how I felt about him."

"Afraid?" Renee repeated, her eyes narrowing. "He hasn't hurt you, has he? I know he's Billy's boy, but don't think that I won't-"

"No, Mom," Bella interrupted, a small smile crossing her face. She could only imagine Renee trying to take on Jake, werewolf and all. "He just meant… so much to me that I was afraid of what it meant. I mean…" she paused then, taking in a sideways glance at Renee. "I don't want to hurt your feelings when I say this, but things didn't work out between you and Char – _Dad_, so I was afraid that falling in love so young would only end… badly."

It was Renee's turn to sigh this time. "I'm sorry that you feel that way, honey." Her expression softened. "What happened between your father and me had nothing to do with you. We just weren't meant for each other. It was one of those whirl-wind romance kinds of things, and while I loved him desperately when we married, we only _got_ married because I was pregnant. We didn't take enough time to get to know each other well enough. And besides, there's nothing wrong with falling in love when you're young. You're _supposed_ to fall in love. Just because you've known Jacob your entire life doesn't mean that he isn't the right one for you." She patted Bella's arm again. "Your and Jacob's relationship is _nothing_ like your dad's and mine." Renee gave her a sad smile. "My middle-aged daughter, right?"

Bella nodded slowly. "I guess… I get that now. And Edward was always so patient with me, and he's kind of… old fashioned, I guess. There was never any reason to feel afraid of being vulnerable with him because… he would only ever, uh…" She coughed a bit, still not sure if this was a discussion she really wanted to have. "Kiss me. I didn't have to be nervous because there was never any '_what if" _in our relationship."

Renee nodded knowingly. "And now that you don't have those safe-guards anymore, you feel nervous about making the wrong decision?"

"I guess," Bella squeaked, feeling the blood once again rise to her cheeks.

"Sweetheart, Jacob loves you. I may not have spent any time with him since I moved away, but I know that both Billy and Sarah would have taught him how to treat a woman. He'll never do anything that you don't want." A sudden wicked grin spread across her face, and she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "And a man like that _will _know how to treat a lady." Bella sighed. This had to be one of the _worst _conversations she had _ever _had.

"And like I said before, there are other ways to please a man that don't involve sex. Shoot, honey, there's some things you can do that don't even involve taking off your clothes!" Renee exclaimed, and Bella groaned again. "Seriously, Bella, I need you to listen to me. There's oral, or you can please him with your hands, and you can even rub on each other, I believe you kids call this _dry-humping,_ and-"

"Mom – Mom – Mom – _Seriously_! Stop!" Bella screeched, clapping her hands over her ears as Renee began to ramble. "I do _not_ want to have this conversation with you. I know all about… _those things_."

Renee laughed and gently ruffled her hair. "Alright, sweetie. But, before I go home, I'm taking you to the doctor." Bella pulled the covers up again, wishing she could just _die_ and forget this whole conversation ever happened. "Trust me – you'll be glad I did!"

* * *

_I'd like to know you more,_

_Tell you you're fine_

_Even though you're not…_

_When you worry so much,_

_It makes me want to cry…_

_Fragile like the leaves come fall,_

_Red yellow gold, I love them all,_

_I guess it's just the way we love…_

_I'll hide out in your space_

_Emptiness on my face_

_I'll be keeping you safe_

_When you're cold and alone_

'_Til you come out and play…_

**Sarah Fimm - **_**Afraid**_

* * *

Bella found herself in the kitchen a few hours later, freshly showered and peacefully alone. Renee had left to run errands to prepare for her return trip to Florida, and Charlie was scheduled to be at work for a few more hours. Determined to get back into familiar routines, Bella took it upon herself to look through the cabinets and the fridge – Charlie had been understandably busy and had chosen to neglect grocery shopping in the process.

Opening the first cabinet door, she was not surprised to see the flour bag was empty and the potatoes had begun to sprout little green hairs. She sighed. How Charlie had managed to feed himself before she moved in, she might never know.

As she added more items to her growing shopping list, she felt a pair of eyes lock onto the back of her head. Anxiety skittered down the length of her spine and she spun quickly around, terrified that she would come face to face with a pair of crimson eyes.

Instead, Bella stumbled backwards as she practically planted her nose into the middle of a rather warm chest. Her gaze jerked upwards to meet a face filled with delighted amusement, and she slapped at him with as much aggression as she could muster. "Good grief, Jake!" she exclaimed, clutched at her chest to try and control her rapidly beating heart. "You nearly scared me to death!"

He let out a chuckle, one that rumbled deep from inside him. "Sorry, Bells," he replied, but there was nothing in his expression to indicate that he was sorry at all. "I wasn't sure if you were gonna pass out on me again."

She glared, moving away from him until she felt her back bump against the countertop. "I don't know what you're talking about," she sniffed indignantly, crossing her arms over her chest with a huff and her gaze sliding down until she could focus on the leg hem of her jeans.

Bella didn't hear him move, but felt his body heat as he closed in on her. While her peripheral vision caught the movement of his feet as he planted them on either side of hers, she still tried to pretend like she hadn't realized their bodies were within inches of each other. But she couldn't stop the shiver that ran through her as his heated breath landed on the curve of her neck. "I think you know exactly what I'm talking about, Bells." His voice was husky and rough, and it made something low in her belly tighten. She heard him take a deep breath in, and she nearly died when he said, "Damn, honey, are you_ trying _to kill me?"

_Oh no, oh no, oh no!_ Bella's mind screamed. _He can __**smell**__ you! _Bella wanted to get away from him, but she couldn't do anything but try and flatten her spine against the counter. She still couldn't look at him, but she also couldn't stop herself from murmuring, "Maybe I am."

It seemed to stun him for a moment, and he froze, his nose only millimeters from her ear. "Are you… _flirting_ with me, Isabella Swan?"

"Um, _no_?" she managed to squeak, unable to turn her head to look at him, completely unsure where her mouth would land with his face so close to her. Another gravelly laugh oozed from his lips, and she cursed her body's lack of self control as another tremble raced through her.

"Are you sure you want to do that, honey?" He asked, and his voice was teasing, but she did not miss his suggestive undertone. "Teasing a teenage werewolf?"

"That's probably not a good idea, is it?" Bella replied softly, and she mentally smacked herself for sounding so shaken. Involuntarily, her lower lip found its way between her teeth, and she heard his chest rumble again.

"Please don't do that, honey," He choked out, and then she was on fire – every inch of her body was touching his, from her knees to her shoulders, and she gasped as their hips collided.

Suddenly, she could feel just how _much_ he wanted her, and she would have been lying to herself if she didn't admit that she felt the same way. Against her will, her pelvis flexed forward against his, and she couldn't suppress the shudder that wracked her body when his nose ran the length of her neck.

"Bells –" Jacob let out a frustrated groan, and she suddenly felt 100 degrees cooler. She blinked and looked up, only to find him on the other side of the kitchen, sitting at the table, his head cradled in his massive hands.

"Jake?" She said hesitantly. "Are you okay?" Bella was still trembling from their brief encounter, but nevertheless felt the urge to move towards him, to comfort him for whatever mistake she had just made, but her body was still refusing to cooperate. But given what had just happened, keeping several feet of space between them sounded like the safer option.

"I shouldn't have done that," She heard him mumble.

Her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. "Done what, exactly?" She felt the tension crawl into the muscles of her shoulders, and she fought to keep the panic from her voice. "Shown up today? Told me you imprinted? Decided you wanted to be with me?" Bella coughed violently against the bile that threatened to rise up in her throat. "A lot of stuff has happened recently, Jake – I think you're going to have to be a bit more specific."

His head jerked up and he stared at her, eyes wide. "No! No, no, Bells!" he stuttered, falling out of the chair and back over to her side of the kitchen, yanking her up into his arms. She gasped at his sudden movement, surprised to realize her feet were no longer touching the floor. "I swore to myself before I came over that I wasn't going to push you, and here I am, crowding you and flirting and I can't believe I did that! I'm so sor-"

"Jake!" Her voice sounded strangled and he immediately set her back down on the floor, capturing her pale white cheeks between his palms, his eyes frantically searching her face for signs of pain.

"Oh, shit, Bells! Dammit! Now I've hurt you again – Shit! I completely forgot about the pain, and – Oh, my God!" He flung himself backwards again, plopping rather ungracefully onto the floor, flinging his large arms over his face, as if to hide himself from her gaze.

And in that moment, Bella found she could do nothing but gape at him, her mouth opening and closing to the point where she had distant thoughts of her uncanny resemblance to a fish.

How had they gotten to this point? What happened to _JakeandBells_, where everything was simple and carefree, and natural? What happened to it being as easy as breathing? Why was there suddenly so much pressure to be something other than what they already were?

She didn't have expectations of him, other than for him to continue being her best friend – but now, whether or not that meant they would continue to kiss on a regular basis, she still had yet to figure it out. But what she _did_ know was that she never wanted their relationship to be awkward – and that's exactly what it had become.

Recovering herself, Bella moved across the space between them, kneeling down next to him on the floor. "Jake?" she whispered, but he refused to look at her, his arms still wrapped unceremoniously around his head. "Look, Jake," she sighed. "I don't exactly know what happened just now, but…" He still didn't look at her, so Bella huffed out a breath, and flopped down on the tile floor next to him. If he wouldn't come to her, then she could certainly go to him, especially after everything that had happened these last few months.

"I don't have any expectations here, okay, Jake? I know with everything we've said to each other over the last week, it's been a little… uh… _confusing_, but that doesn't mean anything really has to change between us." Jacob groaned, and Bella realized how that must have sounded to him. "No! That's not what I meant!" She added hastily. "I just meant that I still want you to be my best friend, and that we don't have to change all the rules, and – crap!"

Another groan came from the space of linoleum next to her. Bella sighed again. This was definitely _not_ coming out right. "Jake – listen. I just don't want you to feel nervous because we're… uh… exploring furthering our relationship." _God_, if that didn't sound like something straight out of an after-school special, she didn't know what did. "How about some _new_ rules? Would that help? You know, for, like… like how this is going to work?" Bella cringed. _That _sounded horrendous too! What was _wrong _with her?

"Rules?" came Jake's muffled voice from underneath the layers of skin and t-shirt.

"Uh, sure," was Bella's surprised reply. "Rules. You know, like…." She thought for a moment. _Great_, it was her idea and she couldn't even _think_ of anything. "Well… for one thing, you need to stop worrying all the time that you're going to hurt me. I'm still sore and everything, but I got enough of the 'fragile Bella' thing from Edward, and _trust me_, it got really old after awhile." Then she made a conscious effort to snap her mouth shut before she could say something else idiotic, like how Edward's concern for her safety kept them from doing anything more than kissing.

One arm came down beside her. "What else?"

"Uh… Stop worrying that you're pushing me too much. You're a good guy, Jake. You're never going to do anything that I don't want you to do, and even if you did, I'd tell you, and you'd quit. And besides, I trust you enough to know where the… _physical_ boundaries are…" A deep blush rose in her cheeks, and she turned her face away, towards the back door. She was pretty sure he could tell she was doing it anyway, with his super senses and all, but it made her feel better knowing that he couldn't _see_ her.

Reality was overrated, anyway.

She heard the other arm flop to the floor. "Anything else?"

"Umm…" Bella worried her lower lip between her teeth again. "Could you _try_ and call before you show up in my kitchen again? Or, at least tell me if you're going to come over? I mean, Charlie loves you and everything, but once we tell him we're together, he's going to want to play up the whole over-protective father thing - show you his shotgun, and all that - so it might be in your best interest _not_ to antagonize him."

"Once we tell him we're together?" His voice sounded strained, and she instantly regretted making so many assumptions.

Her palm connected with her forehead. "Gosh, Jake – I'm sorry! I know we haven't really talked about it, but –"

She was interrupted by a very warm mouth against hers, and suddenly any other thought she'd had flew out of her head. His arms slid around her, pulling her chest against his. A soft mewling sound escaped her throat as his tongue gently grazed her lower lip, and she instantly felt foolish for being so vocal. But then he answered her with a groan, and a hand tangled itself in her hair. His whisper was rough against her mouth, "_God, Bells…_"

Something twisted in her gut at the heat in his voice, and her body knew that he simply wasn't close enough. Before her mind caught up with the rest of her, she turned inside his embrace and wrapped her legs around his waist. Her brain numbly reminded her that they were _supposed_ to be talking, but the only thing that she could concentrate on was his mouth on her sensitive flesh and the fuzzy notion that he still had too many clothes on.

The warmth of his skin soaked through her clothes and she gripped the collar of his t-shirt to keep her itching fingertips from crawling up under the offending cotton to touch the silken hardness of his chest.

The taste of him inside her mouth took her breath away, and her heartbeat roared in her ears. Somehow, completely against her will, she tore her lips from his to trail a shaky line of kisses down his jaw until she felt the shell of his ear against her tongue. She carefully traced its outline with her bottom lip, and she felt him shudder beneath her. "_Jake_…" she murmured softly.

His chest trembled under the damp touch of her palms. "Yeah, honey?" He replied gently, his voice full of lust and love and other things that she couldn't recognize. Bella managed to find the strength to stop hiding, and leaned back to face him, completely unsure what to expect. What she found was _beyond _arousing.

Jacob's eyelids were hooded, his irises swirling in blackness, and suddenly she was drowning inside him, where it was warm and safe and _beautiful. _And then it wasn't _her _heartbeat thudding inside her chest, but _his,_ and she realized that he was anything and everything in her entire reached up with her right hand to stroke his swollen lips. "Can't we start again?" Bella asked, though it sounded desperate, even to her own ears.

His chuckle was deep and rich, rumbling from someplace full inside him, but she still heard the emptiness that he tried to hide. "Start from where, Bells?" His arms tightened around her and she tucked her chin against his shoulder. "If there was a place with no monsters and no magic, I would take you there, honey. I promise you I would." But then he paused; his tongue felt thick and the words got caught somewhere inside him. "I can't fix this for you, though, I can't change it, and I can't make it better… I've failed you in that way."

The sound of his pain made those knots inside her stomach turn inside out, and she reached out to grasp his cheeks in her hands. "_Don't_!" she whispered fiercely, forcing his gaze to meet hers. "It's not your place to apologize. I _want_ you. I _need_ you. That's it. That's _everything_." Tears streamed down her face, and she choked on them. "I just want…" She laughed bitterly. "I love you, okay? You big, crazy, hard-headed idiot. _I'm in love with you_."

Jacob's eyes crinkled around the edges, and Bella felt the relief swell inside her chest. He reached up and cupped her chin in his large hands. "You don't have to be afraid anymore, Bells… you know that, right?" He seemed so _sure_. And staring into his beautiful face, she hoped that it was enough.

* * *

'_Cause it's almost like,_

_Your heaven's trying everything_

_To break me down_

'_Cause it's almost like,_

_Your heaven's trying everything_

_To keep me out…_

**Five Finger Death Punch – **_**Far From Home**_

* * *

Bella didn't know how long they sat there, their bodies tangled and unmoving on the cold tile, before Jacob suddenly stiffened inside her arms. "What's wrong?" she asked, pulling back to gaze into his furious face. He didn't reply, jerking his head around to stare at the front door. "Jake?" she said tentatively, feeling uneasy.

"There's a _leech_ outside. And, from the smell of things, it's on your porch!" He growled, shifting out of her arms so that he could stand. "Don't move…" he whispered, turning until she was completely blocked by his body.

"_What_?" Bella whimpered. "How can that _be_? Who could-" Jacob shushed her with a quiet rumbling deep in his chest. She blinked, and suddenly realized that she was trembling all over.

She didn't want to believe it – after _everything_ that happened, there was _still_ someone out there? Edward had said the whole family was leaving for Volterra; if they had known that one of the Guard was going to come for her, why wouldn't they have warned her? A flash of fear shot down her spine: what if they _couldn't_ tell her? What if Aro hadn't believed them? What if he had taken them prisoner somehow? _Oh, God_, they had already sacrificed so much for her – what if it had all been in vain?

The knob twisted and she heard the tumbler click –

_God, why hadn't Renee locked the door?_

Jacob's growl intensified to a near roar, his entire body vibrating in anticipation. Bella closed her eyes – _she didn't think she could bear to watch this _-

"It's just me, wolf," came a musical voice through the door. "Bella? Can I come in?"

Bella released the breath she hadn't even known she was holding with a _whoosh_. It was only Alice...

_Alice?_

She moved to go around Jacob to reach the door, but he locked his arms around her, shielding her from the entryway. "Just _wait_… just a second, Bells, _please_?"

Bella sighed into his back, curling her fingers into his t-shirt. _Stupid shirts, _she thought, _why did he even wear one? _But she was trying to soothe him, as if to remind him that she was his and his alone. "Jake, it's just Alice – you know she's not going to hurt me, right?"

She heard Alice's tinkling laugh from the other room. "Yes, Jacob, please? I honestly just want to talk."

Jacob's arms then fell away, and Bella peeked around him to see Alice's radiant face. She grinned back before looking up at Jacob. "Please, Jake?"

He grumbled and crossed his arms over his broad chest. "You don't need my _permission_, honey. I'm not looking to control your every move… But she _is_ a lee – _vampire_." He turned to glare at Alice, who simply smiled and batted her eyelashes innocently in his direction. He snorted, but leaned down to peck Bella on the lips. "I've got to go, anyway, Bells. I didn't plan to be here so long, and I've got to head back for a meeting with the Council. Call me if you need anything, alright?" He turned to looking meaningfully at Alice. "And I do mean _anything_."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Just some girl talk, wolf, I promise. I'm not here to steal her away." Her expression softened and she looked back at Bella. "She's where she belongs, anyway."

Jacob's hard stance relaxed a little, and Bella saw one corner of his mouth curl up with a triumphant smirk. He pulled Bella into his arms for one more crushing hug, causing an unnatural _squawk_ to escape her lungs, and he laughed as he left the kitchen through the back door, pulling off his shirt as he went.

"Love you, honey!" he called softly, and she heard his smug snicker as her face flushed bright red from the combination of his sweet words and his current state of undress.

Bella watched him go until he disappeared into the trees. _God, he was beautiful, and there was nothing 'sort of' about it... _But her thoughts were interrupted by an indignant "_Hmph_!" behind her. She turned to see Alice's beautiful pouting face.

"Oh, Alice – I'm sorry!" Bella rushed across the kitchen to Alice's waiting arms. "It's so good to see you!" She struggled to keep from cringing at the feel of her friend's icy embrace, not wanting to ruin their reunion. "I just, uh – you know, got distracted…"

Alice laughed. "No worries." She stepped back to look Bella over with a more critical eye. "Not that I understand what you _see_ in him, but I'm still so very happy for you. We _all_ are," she added meaningfully, and this time Bella _did_ cringe.

"Everyone, huh?" she asked, a little breathlessly, unsure if she wanted to hear how Edward had been doing since their breakup.

"Bella, _stop that_," Alice warned, wagging a pale finger at Bella. "He's _fine_. It's what he wanted for you in the first place. He didn't _want_ you to be turned. He _wanted_ you to be _human_, to have these experiences, whether or not it was with him. And we all love you enough to let you have that."

"But I didn't want you to _leave_," Bella whimpered, feeling her lower lip quiver, and it made her feel whiny, which she _hated_. "I miss you already."

Alice sighed. "I know, Bella, but we've all got sacrifices we have to make, right?" She waved her hand dismissively. "Besides, a few decades in Volterra means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Not to us, anyway." Her expression suddenly became sad, and Bella's heart lurched. "But there's something you need to know, Bella… that's why I'm here."

Bella swallowed, _hard_. "What's that?" she asked, and she realized it sounded breathy, even to her own ears.

"I've… been _seeing_ some things, and I thought you deserved to know about them. For your own sake… and for your wolf's sake, too." She looked at Bella apologetically. "Can we sit down? You look a little… shaken."

Bella nodded, unsure if she could even trust her own voice at this point.

She allowed Alice to steer her towards the couch and push gently on her shoulder until she sat. Bella numbly realized that she was frightened, but it was this vague concept that left her wondering if she was having some kind of out-of-body experience.

"Bella?"

She blinked, and realized that Alice was staring at her. "What did you want to tell me?" she whispered, and she was absolutely positive she didn't want to know the answer.

"Now, he hasn't completely decided, Bella, and you know how my visions are subjective," Alice said, as if it was supposed to make her feel better. "But he's weighing his options… he _wants_ you, and I'm not sure if our presence in Volterra is enough to placate him. We've sworn that we won't stay if he tries to harm you, which is the only thing that is keeping him from coming here and changing you himself. But I promise you, Bella, if it's the last thing we _ever_ do, we _will not_ let him take you." Alice grabbed Bella's face suddenly, forcing their eyes to meet. "It _won't_ happen."

_He…_

_**Aro**_**. **

And then, everything in Bella's world felt very strange and fuzzy around the edges, and her peripheral vision was covered in white. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real.

The Volturi were coming to_ Forks_.

Aro was coming for _her_.

She couldn't breathe. _Jacob._ Where was Jacob? She had to tell him, before it was too late. "_Alice_?" Someone was talking. Who was that? "_You have to tell Jacob, Alice…_" Her throat felt scratchy, raw, like she had been screaming.

_Had she screamed? _

Her world was blurry, wilting and dripping like a faded watercolor and then she saw a face. It was familiar and she squinted, but it was too much, too fast, and she was being shaken - shaken so hard that her teeth were chattering. She felt a roaring in her ears, a pulsing that was so deafening it _had_ to be coming from inside her.

_What was __**happening**__? _

"BELLA!"

* * *

_I ache, oh, how I ache from you… I am hollowed, bloodless and burning. This agonizing emptiness boils so deep inside of me that I've forgotten how to swim, and I've decided it might be better to simply relax and drown in its hunger. There is no sun, no moon, no tilt of the axis to help me find my balance – you stole my gravity and I'm choking on the purple haze of defeat you have left behind._

_A flameless candle left dim in your wake, the cold pounding of my heart not familiar with the stranger in my bed. This ardent loss of sound has me dipping, spinning, blinded by your confusion. I've built my world on more than one lie and the foundation is faltering under my truth. You weren't there, you weren't there…_

_**Please, tell me you weren't there.**_

_The crystallized anguish leaks from behind my eyes and I can feel it searing the skin of my body. I am full of your venom and weakness and I want to coat myself with its honeyed perfume, wrap myself inside of it so that you can never breach these walls. _

_If only sleep could numb the pain, but in my dreams I find that version of you waiting – and I know it was simply a sugared translation of you that has been presented to the world. It was not that one that could be counted on to know the ins and outs and the ways of the soul, to be authentic and brilliant and filled with sunshine. _

_You are dark and deep and endless without caring - without repercussions, or obligations. The waves push me on, and I fight them, struggling against the weight of the current, so frantic to disappear from your fantasy that I realize you are holding me under water. _

_Muscles twitch and dance, your laughter pouring from the stars and I hate them for joining your army. Your beauty does not deserve more ammunition – they are weak and spiteful of the lush warmth of the earth, choosing an existence void of heat and growth._

_No tea or poultice could soothe these expressive gashes in my flesh, and I cannot will them into scars – there is no healing, no expectation of normalcy. It is simply what you __are__, and what I have allowed myself to become in your presence. The world has gone dry, and so I have no tears for you, my eyes exhausted in their hunt for your truth. You have gained nothing in destroying me – there is no prize, no bounty for my soul. I mean little to the world around us – there will be no congratulatory notes – the universe will continue to exist without me in it, and for that, I must be grateful. I can't bear to think of any mourning because I don't believe in any loss. _

_I am nothing, I have nothing and there is not enough air to fill my throbbing lungs._

_Only darkness and waiting and __**abyss**__…_


End file.
